Waffling On

William's operation

2009-12-20T12:27:00.005+10:00

The operation to reconstruct my sons arm occurred on Thursday. I have uploaded the xrays to show.. anyone who is interested? There is more to this story but I should get some lunch and back to the hospital so I will just leave the photos for now.

The plate in his wrist.. Or is that his elbow? Woops.

My hiatus

2009-10-31T20:48:00.005+10:00

Tonight I had time to read a few of my favourite blogs after a lengthy hiatus of my own. I noticed Big Mama had her own hiatus for her own reasons. I felt for her and her deliberations with teenagers which I know and understand. And Szelsofa had lots of lovely pictures and information - she too has an old bathtub for nature in her garden! I need more time to catch up on so many of the blogs I have always enjoyed. But I noticed the joys and sadnesses of many. The funny observations. It was a thoroughly enjoyable experience.

I have had time - frustration - crazy issues that prevented me from feeling free to play on here.

But - Sara (oldest daughter) bought a house and is busy renovating it before she moves in. Her youngest son turned 1 on Tuesday.

Anna got her license finally last Thursday. I burst into tears at the Transport Department Office. It was her first try - she was so reluctant to attempt it in case she failed. We have barely seen her since.

Jane is still way down south with her uncle apparently attempting her Higher School Certificate. Unfortunately almost everything I read on her Facebook just breaks my heart.

William causes no trouble - and we are waiting for his operation that will be done at the Royal Children's Hospital in Brisbane wherein they will remove three tumours on his arm and attempt to reshape his arm. I cant take holidays until this is all over because I will be needing to use them for his hospital stay and recovery.

Christian and I want to go camping - so long our weekends wasted on me having assignments to do. But this weekend was windy and the water would be choppy - and our chosen destination we need a nice calm weekend.... maybe next weekend.

The birds are all thriving though!

My sofa saga - the search for dog friendly lounge suites

2009-10-31T18:47:00.007+10:00

I started looking for new sofa's quite some time ago. I knew that they had to be pretty tough, easy to clean and blend with my taste for old stuff. I like timbers and flowers and I still like colour... and well taste is a personal thing isn't it? It isn't my taste to have the clutter I naturally accumulate but there is nothing that can be done with that. I have not succeeded in teaching my family not to clutter my spaces.

Our rented house is the same size as a postage stamp. I kinda plan on buying one (a house not a postage stamp).. in the near future. Or not. I wait for when the shit is over to make such decisions. I still look. And I kinda save.

Anyway - on the Internet I found a post about dog friendly sofas and a sofa I liked. I will link this later when I find the damn site. I carried the entire article around for the majority of this year - kept losing it and finding it...but tonight it is definitely lost. Or maybe I just liked the dogs and one of them does look like Rocky! So - the sofa starter came from this picture.

And this one too..
Leather that can handle the scratches and wear with it. I also liked sofas like his one...

But it is probably a bit too modern for me. The leaves on the floor of the photo kinda make it feel like home though. You wouldn't believe the things my dogs bring inside for me!

I love classic chesterfields however - the space issue. And I think the reason this photo appeals to me so much is probably just the books. Clever marketing ploy huh? The sofa is beautiful but add a feature wall behind of just books... hook line and sinker for me.

But no I am being sensible. This sofa is going to cost me a lot of money and needs to last me some time. If I buy a house it has to have the existing furniture I have dragged around, found, or Christian has made for me because I will be broke for some time.

I loved this.

Locally I couldn't find the aniline leather I needed - bomber jacket type stuff or the stuff you find on boat shoes for men? Where you scratch it and it just rubs out or looks better for it. I could find comfortable sofas - that were ugly. I could find beautiful sofas - that were uncomfortable.

I found the one below at Rockhampton and I liked it but Christian did not. It was also $7000 just for it alone, so would of come in at the absolute top end of my budget after purchasing a second one.

It was amazingly comfortable and spacious and had an ottoman with it.

But - on our second shopping trip to Brisbane I found this one that met all purposes except that maybe I would of liked the lighter tan better like the original Internet post that first attracted me. But - we are messy. My partner works in the dirt and will sit on the sofa before changing. My dogs think dust bathing is a perfectly acceptable activity before sofa lounging. My son attracts bike chain grease and mud flat dirt.

Christian and William test the sofa in the store in Brisbane below.

So - I paid the deposit and was told by the saleswoman that it would take one to two weeks to be delivered to me 600 kms north. I then got the invoice that told me I would have to wait until the 25th November before it would arrive. I was so upset and rang immediately .. and was told .... just 8 weeks to wait. Ok... I can do that. Eight weeks came and went and I rang - and nope.. the computer said that I was happy to wait till 25 th November. Yep... I cried on the phone. I have no shame. (I can't believe I did that!)

Anyway - last week it finally arrived. It is gorgeous and smells so good, divinely comfortable (just ask the dogs) and yes the scratches do just rub out if you gently rub them after the dogs jump on. But there is an irony to something that was just meant to make me happy made me so frustrated and angry.

Dotti likes to lick it clean which I probably shouldn't tell people. But she really does lay there and lick it with a very pleased look on her face. I LOVE being able to clean up her shedding fur with a damp cloth.

Which Waffle Worthy?

2009-09-04T18:43:00.004+10:00

Well I am in the mood to waffle. But unsure where to start! It has been a long break! Life just gets like that.

Ok - I am going to start with the ugly one. My bosses horrible death. Well it would of been quick I guess. Sometimes thinking about stuff is just too hard. But sometimes writing it down makes it easier. So I am going to give that a go here.

Lisa drove a lovely Ford - the flash one not like mine. Same year model - but the nicer ones. I don't know an awful lot about cars nor do I care about them - unless its a Morgan. Yep - that is how my brain waffles. I am not terribly interested in cars - I can appreciate a nice one, and appreciate classic cars but it just isn't something of my concern today. Lisa liked nice cars.

Anyway Lisa went south for a week to attend a funeral of her aunt. The funeral was delayed and they had already taken a week off work and they had to come home. Very shortly after .. her mother, step father and brother and herself were involved in a terrible crash. Their vehicle went to overtake a ute towing a caravan and it sideswiped the ute (or caravan? I am not really sure) and then it powered into an oncoming smallish four wheel drive. The Internet had pictures of it and it was horrific.

So the accident was completely horrible and words just cant describe it.

And I didn't consider her my friend - she was my boss. And mostly I avoided her until I had to move to the top centre - and then she was lovely to me. You see I cause trouble. I argue with lazy workers and I have been dreadful in the past to anyone I think is mean to kids. So - I used to get called up to the boss only for confrontational things. And I hate confrontation. I would be in trouble for being mean to the lunch relief because she left my children alone - or told them they were stinky (the kids are not stinky - the poo is stinky - I get cross at vocabulary like that and I say it.. "Don't tell my kids they are stinky") or when I lost my temper because they allowed too many children in the bathroom and allowed an unsafe work environment.. I would give the other staff member a verbal blast - they would dob and I would get in trouble. So - I always thought she hated me and I avoided her. I upset her staff.

But I was sent up the top centre with her .. and working with that co-worker was lovely and I loved it and... Lisa was just lovely to me. Even when I did get into situations wherein coworkers and I had conflict - she was very understanding about it and it all seemed fine.

Well - when her shocking death occurred and we were told - I put that picture on my facebook. Two of my coworkers objected very much and it was just bad timing. I didn't put that picture on there to be malicious. I put it to explain the shock. Especially as at the same time many people on Facebook that I have loved as a child were adding me as friends and I needed to explain to them why I wasn't so good at answering them.

Actually I feel quite violated because it is my Facebook and I should be able to post what I think or feel on there. And being told to remove it was just offensive. I am completely aware that the pictures of her crash were shocking. I cried at the shock of it.

The majority of our workmates have been so brilliant dealing with this. Some of us cry at the little things - when we think of her beautiful daughter not having her mother at her wedding etc.

Please dont speed. Please be careful.

Ducks are a dabbling

2009-06-03T20:05:00.002+10:00

Or my arse is on show.

Kinda similar!

I adore my partner. But he has the ability of my mother to absolutely speak over me. It doesnt matter what I am trying to say they just talk louder and over me. I usually attempt to speak another two times and if they keep speaking over me... I just stop talking - get very sad, they never ever notice and I find a way to go away quietly when I really want to scream.

I got terribly jealous last week when I read a home carer's diary of one of my kids. She takes the kids to feed the ducks and stuff. I don't. I am barely allowed to let them get dirty.

Hurts are Hurts. Little or big.

Ducks' Ditty
All along the backwater,
Through the rushes tall,
Ducks are a-dabbling,
Up tails all!
Ducks' tails,
drakes' tails,
Yellow feet a-quiver,
Yellow bills all out of sight
Busy in the river!
Slushy green undergrowth
Where the roach swim—
Here we keep our larder,
Cool and full and dim.
Everyone for what he likes!
We like to be
Heads down,
tails up,
Dabbling free!
High in the blue aboveSwifts whirl and call—
We are down a-dabbling
Up tails all!

I wish I was allowed to play with the kids like that.

Highs and Lows - Ebbs and weaves

2009-06-01T21:49:00.004+10:00

I deleted this one because I worried I could get in trouble for commenting on truths! But it is funny how when you write something down and get it all into perspective - it just FEELS better. An action plan of sorts.

Or probably, in my case - inaction!

We are going to the Gold Coast to stay at a holiday resort in a tiny cabin for three days and attend dear friends engagement party on the Saturday night. We will go to Dreamworld on the Sunday and shop the rest of the time before driving home Monday.

That is my focus for the week. That and making sure my kids at work are happy. They will be.

Right! I better get ready for work!

Redecorating - Povo style

2009-05-17T20:08:00.006+10:00

Long time no post a waffle - I know.

Heaps has happened, and no Anna (my second daughter) still doesn't have her driver's license despite numerous threats of throwing her out of home, never giving her another lift etc. She has started a new dreadful habit when I take her out driving on her Learner's plates. She makes sound effects like "Woahhhhhhhhhhhh" when she brakes and "Arghhhhhhhhh" when she turns a corner or merges with traffic. The driving instructor is just going to LOVE that. Worse than when she used to take her hands off the wheel if she thought I was nagging her and say "Look Mum I am a good driver... no hands!"

My Mama gifted me with a patchwork quilt just before Christmas and since then Christian and I have painted our bedroom and started the decorating. The house we live in is about the same size as a postage stamp, so it is nice for me to have a retreat. The frogs on the dressing table were a gift from Sara (oldest daughter) for Mother's Day. There is a story to that.
Yes - I know I have neglected that wardrobe for too long. I will give it some attention at the end of the month when I have some holidays. I haven't applied a coat of shellac to it since I let the chickens live in it when we first moved to Gladstone.
Oh - I could of turned that picture around and cleaned the mirror I guess.
The my retreat idea actually didn't work. When I come home and sit in my little chair... family tend to follow me in there and sit on the bed and computer chair.
We have also built a safe area for our outdoor setting and a few more gardens. Rocky (the dog) kept digging underneath our outdoor table and we were afraid he could topple it and it would kill him. And he also kept embarrassing me when I hosted any meal outside because he would flick dirt all over the guests feet.

Anna always complains that I never finish projects and there is some truth in that. But I have a new waterfall and fishpond and the birds are well cared for!

Ok - somewhat calmer

2009-02-10T20:31:00.002+10:00

I feel a little bit silly waffling like that for the past few blogs.
Our dog Rocky has to be desexed. I have to pay for him to be registered as a dangerous dog and he gets a special dangerous dog collar, a muzzle and signs that have to be erected on our fence warning of the dangerous dog.
Shame I am not allowed to put signs on the neighbours fence warning that they are idiots.
Nothings going to change. Rocky will still be ... the dog on my bed at night, my warner of intruders, my greeter at all opening of any doors.... and we can afford this. Actually - I consider him worth every cent... times a million really. I wish he liked baths but other than that... he is everything I like in a dog.
Damn shame he chose to shake the little dog. But I know he would do it again.
I adore my family. I wish they wouldn't fight. I wish some of them wouldn't choose to live so far away. It's not all days by the water having fun and mad meal times. Some of being a family happens to be... arguments and nasty comments and selfishness.. raised voices and tantrums and restless nights on the sofa until the dogs drive me nuts and I have to creep back into my own bed.
The simple fact is.. I love them.
BUT.. get this. My works gone a bit crazy of late. Insecurity that I think is due to outside pressures that myself and my coworkers have no power to control has .... hmmmm dampened spirits?
But our numbers of children have been low - and without children we don't have jobs. That has been picking up daily for us. But our boss has decided to shuffle the workplace arrangements to "REDUCE THE TENSION" (that's what the crazy memo says) there has been a shuffle of assistants to begin in two weeks. And I love working in my room with my group leader... and I adore the age group I have. I will be moving into the Kindy room.. so to 3-4 year olds. Most of these children I had as 22 month olds until 30 month olds and I loved them all. The woman who is the group leader in that room is lovely. So where is the catch? That woman goes on maternity leave soon. I have mucked around and not completed the qualifications I need... and it is most likely I will have to work with someone .......... for want of a better word... yucky.
I work with two year olds.
Sometimes I find their language quite appropriate.
Arghhh and Gah.
Oh - as my little blonde haired two year old often tells me... "BULLSHIT". She said that too me today... and usually I tell her not to use that word and chastise her... all I could do was nod and tell her that I agreed... it was.
Oddly enough.. she then didn't say it again.
The children are going to get a new person to look after them that I find quite cruel. Part of me thinks being with my old kids will be lovely. But I like what I do - who I work with and the wonderful age my kids are.
I really only have a few assignments to finish and attend to some idiot posters that I just hate doing for the course. I decided today I was going to have tomorrow off sick and do the damn things. And when I got home... I realised my partner has tomorrow off due to the rain and my kids will be home. If I stayed home.. I wouldnt get anything done. I would be taxi, cook, companion and mediator. Hand holder and appointment maker, general cleaner and tongue biter....
It is bullshit. I love working where I do and I should of attended to my studies. I just get too damn busy at home .... Rain is forecast for the rest of the week... how ghastly.

Rocky was declared dangerous

2009-02-09T22:06:00.002+10:00

The council's letter stated that he had attacked a person.

That of course was bullshit.

The councils spokesperson said that it was just a typo.

The horrid little man said that Rocky's,,, puncturing the little dogs neck was dangerous and not necessary and I became instantly annoyed and thought of all the parents who have attacked me verbally because their kids have bite wounds, skinned knees or bumped foreheads and told me it was my fault.

The fact is... dogs are dogs. They behave like dogs. Children are children. They behave like children.

If you are a dog lover.. dont move to Gladstone. The pound keepers will put your entire dog in with a on heat pure bred bitch. We witnessed the pound keeper then kick our own dog to try get him off her.

Oh I am mad at MOTH for letting Rocky get the little dog. But I cant stay mad at the little dog no matter how often he barks and be's horrid.

Rocky has to be desexed now... and council will give him a dangerous dog collar... a muzzle and some signs for our house to say he is dangerous....and we have to pay large fees to register him.

I am so mad at MOTH. As he and Anna fight I just get more and more demented.

Absolute paling in comparison

2009-02-09T21:41:00.002+10:00

The news is constant with the awful stuff happening in Victoria. I remember the fires in my own hometown of Cootamundra and the ones recently when I wasnt there but I still worried....

I guess its just awful selfishness that I still worry about my own ... much lesser problems?

Jane is in Laidley... and I havent spoken to her yet. She rang Anna for the money she lent Anna but I declined to get into that telephone conversation. I hear both sides...

Today William got offered a soccer trip to the UK that would cost me... about 8 k... and I semi lost the plot because I just cant afford it. And that makes me feel bad.

On the weekend MOTH took me too Brisbane to attend to something stupid I did... and made us hurry.... (We had to pick up a computer that somehow I got wrangled with fixing when really I have never claimed to be good at hardware stuff... I barely manage with software stuff... but I wouldnt quit... and I took it to a friend who knows more and then... it had to come back.. and its still fucked)

MOTH drove through his hometown where I lived with him for a while and I didnt cope very well. I was still terrified of the place... and just so glad I escaped.

My dog Rocky was declared dangerous. I will add to that in a minute with a seperate title. My daughter Anna and my partner are fighting in a way that upsets me ... so awfully that I am scared to speak and I wish I could run away.

But I cant... I have work, my family has to live and pay bills and someone has to cook and clean...

The kids at work are lovely and so alive and clever. I love this job. It makes it so sad knowing I cant keep doing it - I cant afford to, and if I could afford to I am growing so tired of this town that I just have to leave soon. If I want things to get better I have to go back to administration. I don't think I can be a legal secretary anymore because now I do answer back. Childcare doesnt pay. Most of the workers are lovely... but oh my goodness worrying about the others is just... horrid.

My tears are selfish. I shouldnt expect to have decent relationships with the two children I barely had any impact on raising. I shouldnt cry over them.

I just dont have $8000 to send William off to the UK for soccer fun. And if I did have it... I think I could take us all for that amount of money. I am the queen of free or cheap. But he just never asks for anything.
And It felt awful telling him.. I just dont have the money. I dont have anything. I pay off a car every week I never get to drive. I dont think anyone would lend me the money to buy another one...I dont get to say what time my windows are drawn.
And the only time I got excited because I thought I had a friend of my own... she only wanted to hang around me for what MOTH can provide. And that stuff... annoys the crap out of me.

I know I am whinging way more than anyone should be allowed to... but I got one more. My apologies for my waffling.

She didn't listen.....

2009-02-02T21:14:00.003+10:00

Saturday night as it grew late and my friend was about to leave, Jane told me that she had something important to tell me. My friend left some ten minutes later and Jane springs on me that in the morning she catches the train to join her Uncle on the extreme outskirts of Brisbane - who has agreed to help her return to school.

She kept asking me to respond... but I had nothing to respond with ... I can't say no - she will anyway. I can't say "Go with my best wishes" - because now I have to explain to MacDonald's here why Jane isn't here to accept the shifts she went to go and get... after much coercion from me. Because I don't believe she wants to go to school for the right reasons and I don't believe moving 700 kms away from her parents (not just me and her stepfather but her father too 100kms north of us)is for the benefit of the family... and because I just know too well the trauma and expense of setting her up for a new school or beginning only to find she .....

Gah.

Poor Uncle. I wonder if I ever told him how difficult it is to get her out of bed before midday? Jane gets chance No 107 (I could be overusing poetic license a little again) at basic attending school.... and achieving somewhat harmonious living.

There is an even more sinister side to it all from me than just Jane's continual betrayal and bad choices. And the ghastly bit is me. Not only do I feel the frustration and hurt at what she does... but the fact that I actually breathe a sigh of relief because it simply is easier with just Anna and William - makes me feel so very terrible. What an awful mother. I find my own daughter such a conflict.. so very strange to me... unpredictable, taciturn and absolutely unable to care about the feelings of the rest of us....that I am actually relieved (when I am not worrying about her safety) that the house is just back to us.

Anna explains it as it has always really just been us - and somehow I understand that. Doesn't make it less sad.. just makes it a bit easier to concentrate on the positives..... William just knows to come for a hug sometimes and head back to the Tardis. (That is what we have always called his room).

I don't understand or like or.... have enough patience with the self harm - the sleeping all day, the churlish remarks, the refusal to help with chores without a song and dance worthy of a slavery story, the fact I worry more than any parent should that she could be stealing.. and I feel suitably revolted in myself for feeling all of this.

And I don't know what to do to stop it all.

So instead I deal with Anna's mad plans to go blonde, attend soccer sign up with William and just deal with my week at work as best I can. Hoping no one see's too through me as a failure as a parent to two of my kids.

It isn't easy being a parent

2009-01-26T23:15:00.003+10:00

The house we live in is the same size as a postage stamp.

Ok - Sometimes I take poetic license to extremes. But it is small.

All my younger children are home again.

That is good - because I love them and I like them near. That is also bad because three bedrooms , two proper adults (well we like to think we are), two largish dogs, one teenage boy and two teenage girls in a three bedroom house poses problems. A normal family would probably say - well the two girls share one room and the son in the other. That doesn't work here.

The girls would kill each other.

Jane got fired from MacDonald's. The maintenance worker told of the girls giving away free food... thus misappropriating... and I guess stealing from their employer. Of course it is stealing. My apologies there.

Jane tells me she wants to go back to school. Firstly we sent her to boarding school because she was difficult to make go to school... then I did the six months drag her out of bed and make her go to school thing... and then she quits and works full time... and its not that I don't think she is smart. It is not that I don't think she is smarter than most people.

It is just that she has blown chance after chance after chance.... and this time... sure come home.. sure Mum will fix it... but this time you need a vocation choice... even if it isn't her immediate choice...

And Jane don't listen to the others who tell you.... oh its ok Jane I stole - I cut myself and I didn't fight depression and fucked up.

And Jane don't listen to your stepfather who is just fed up with my antics and my children's antics and he just wants a decent boat.

And Jane don't listen to your older sister who acts like a little cuckoo bird.. you know she stinks at sharing.

Just once Jane.. listen to your mother. Just stick at something, I don't care what it is really - there are avenues to anything if you really want it... and just don't .. just don't steal.

My horror hasn't left from the first time. (Stealing I mean) First my absolute denial... when someone close warned me she was I said... No Way - not one of my kids. Then the betrayal... I stole because my parents wouldn't give me what I needed... when she was stealing stuff for babies and dolls....???? The... absolute horror of the whole thing... the female detective losing her temper with her when she refused to answer or rolled her eyes... her own solicitor getting cranky at her for her spoilt behaviour....

And this time... knowing I cant say much... but knowing just from her attitude that she doesn't seem to understand that giving her friends free food from the company... is stealing. I cant say... FOR FUCKS SAKE DO NT STEAL.... I cant make it worse.

But I gotta pretend every things just fine as I figure out how to get her some other kind of training/job... then Anna's and William's (albeit smaller but still real) problems and not lose my temper at my own job.....while my partner faces instability in his job.

She slept all day today and when she did wake... she asked me for a driving lesson just before she knew I had friends due to arrive. There was no fuel in the manual car... and it takes me ages to prepare for guests. If she had of asked me in the morning there would of been no problem.

I just feel so bad... I never make her happy.

The letter... after yet another ghastly event

2009-01-17T17:14:00.003+10:00

The Chief Executive Officer

Dear Sir/Madam,

Re: Local Law No 3 – Keeping and control of animals

We deny that Rocky is a dangerous dog and regard him as both a loyal family member and necessary protector of our property. His presence is a deterrent to break ins, robberies and trespass that occur in our neighbourhood. The vacant and abandoned property that is (blank address) has had a regular traffic of vagrants and homeless people and thefts in our area are a regular occurrence.

Rocky hasn’t a dangerous nature. He is friend to all and I regularly take him to my work at a local childcare centre to meet with the children. Our teenage children and ourselves have regular and frequent visitors to which Rocky is known as a gentle and obedient dog. His interactions with other dogs have been extensive in his 6 years and he loves to play with other dogs.

The “acquired sufficient evidence” as sited in the letter from council on the 14th January is information that we should be given.

The incident in which the local law officer visited our premises on the Sunday morning 4th December prior to 9 am occurred at approximately 4.30pm the previous day, and had unusual circumstances to it.

The neighbours of (blank address) have in the past had two dogs - Sam* and Leah* who are both Jack Russell’s. Rocky and these dogs have had a pleasant relationship. Both Sam and Leah have in the past regularly and often managed to make holes to come into our yard and the street. Rocky played with them. Indeed, the three of them could be counted on to warn both houses of any visitors. Countless times I and other members of my family have put them back into their yard and repaired the small holes.
The neighbours informed Christian that they had obtained the tiny fluffy dog as a charitable exercise for the RSPCA.

The new dog has not been very neighbourly. He yapps constantly when he is alone and consistently at any activity in our yard; is aggressive at the fence and marks his territory along the fence line.

On the Saturday afternoon of the 3rd Rocky was in the front yard with MOTH on their way to the car for Rockys’ regular run up the hill. The neighbours walked past with the new dog and Rocky uncharacteristically ran to the new dog and picked him up by the neck and shook him before Christian realised what he was doing. Rocky was acting like a dog – affirming his position in the pack – or his territory.

We were told by your local law officer that the small dog suffered a few puncture marks that were treated at the vets. We saw the small dog only half an hour later happily standing up looking out the window in his owners’ car. The next day the small dog was happily yapping along our fence line aggressive at my hanging out the washing. Daily since, the little dog has shown by his aggressive and healthy antics at our fence that he suffered no permanent injury and in fact displays a perverse and continuing antagonistic behaviour towards all members of our family.

Whilst I concede Rockys’ actions must of been utterly terrifying to the owners and we regret the incident occurred, the actions of Rocky were entirely within a dogs instincts. The little dog suffered minimal injuries as to just consideration to the size difference of the two dogs. I firmly believe that if Rocky had of wanted to be harmful to the little dog more considerable injuries would of been inflicted.

Rocky is a delightful ageing dog who loves to please us and loves to socialise. He warns of intruders and then greets them warmly once they are inside our gates or doors. The little dog next door displays aggression and constant noise which would of encouraged Rockys’ not so friendly actions to show the little dog who has dominance in the territory. The little dog has not in any way been affected or shown any sign of stopping his dominant behaviour. Rocky will be leashed in future on the way to the car for his exercise trips to avoid any further conflict with the little dog.

The little dogs’ behaviour has been of annoyance to our household and still is. Under normal circumstances I would never complain because we really do love and understand dogs’ behaviour. Our neighbours do not attempt to modify or discourage this dogs’ behaviour in any way even though their previous dogs were sweet little things that obeyed commands and shushed when I told them too.

If the story that the little dog came from the RSPCA is true – I have a fairly good idea how it came about being there. I personally don’t believe the story because I have never understood these neighbours to be charitable in any way.

Ok... so best I edit the last two paragraphs! Of course I changed the names of the other dogs to protect the innocent! They have been missing pretty much since the new .... pure bred fluffy thing...I think its a pomeranian?... awfully cute....arrived....

I have never liked these neighbours (Oh except their kids I mean - I adore the two girls - they have moved out though. Smart kids too.)

People can just be so horrid.

You know... Rocky and Dotti occasionally get into tassles together. Not often - but sometimes. Rocky likes to fight Moose up the road who is a possibility as one of his fathers... along with Digger, Teddy and that brown dog up the road that we called Sam. Rocky just LOVED fighting out at the Brady's farm. Just loved it. There is not often blood... just the flash of teeth and show of aggression. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. Dotti likes to fight people too... but there is never any blood unless you are stupid enough to pull your hand away too fast from her mouth.

I throw my drinks at my dogs when they fight too madly. They are big and they break things if they get too carried away. It also horrifies guests. I mean it... horrifies them. Especially because we don't ever get worried by it until they are close to something they can break. The quick shock of the liquid makes the fight over.

Anyway.. if this one is hanged on Rocky we have to pay a mad yearly fee to have a dangerous dog - he has to be muzzled in public, he has to be desexed (I wont mind that one - it is MOTH who insists he isn't... Dotti is desexed) and we have to have signs saying he is dangerous... he will have to wear a tag saying he is dangerous... I already have the big fences etc....

Bloody hell. People are arseholes. I have always disliked this neighbour but MOTH can't help being nice to people he shouldn't be.

This town and dogs are a bit of a disaster. Dogs are banned from almost anywhere. The dog park is usually absolutely feral with knee high grass, sandflies and is located near the rubbish dump.

Once Rocky got put in the pound for his indiscretions with the lady dogs - and when I picked him up he was in a cage with a pure bred husky bitch humping her... and the poundkeeper tried to kick him off her... That incident meant I had trouble with Rocky and any van vehicle that looked like the pound keeper... he thought the pound visit was fantastic and wanted to go again.

Another time I tried to deny it was Rocky the pound man was complaining about and claimed he was at home all night. Sadly, the pound man had Rockys collar as proof of his whereabouts. Embarrassment much.

I gave MOTH a terrible time about this incident. I blamed him because MOTH just consistently does this... he loves Rocky too and doesnt seem to forsee trouble. Actually, I think I have been really mean to MOTH. And it is silly because .. well I love MOTH. I just wish to hell that he hadnt trusted Rocky out the front when we knew Rocky was having a hard time with the little dog.

Survival - a matter of opinion

2009-01-11T19:41:00.003+10:00

Anna and Schoolies week. The week High School graduates celebrate the end of their schooling.

Naturally - Anna got in trouble. She spent pretty much her entire high school life looking forward to this week and she got into immediate trouble. Arrested on the first night actually.

Cutting a long story short... She tells me she had lost her friends on the beach with the thousands of other schoolies, and when she came upon them they had already embarked on an altercation wherein one of her friends... (Laura - a very sweet girl) was being wrestled on the ground by a stranger who was pulling her hair. Anna immediately jumps in to defend her friend... and the police drag her off, handcuff her take her to the watch house and later arrest her.

When Anna told me the tale the day after she managed to make it all sound funny for me. Of course it wasn't.. it was horrible. There probably was a better way for Anna to react than to just jump into the fight.

Then I saw the pictures of Laura's injuries and I suddenly felt quite violent myself.
That incredible hunk of her hair pulled out by complete strangers?

I filled out Anna's court forms (we were on holidays for her court date) and she got a $250 public nuisance charge with no conviction recorded.

Later in schoolies week she managed to get herself a fine for drinking alcohol in a designated alcohol free zone. She probably wouldn't of got the fine if she hadn't of lied. Her friend admitted she was underage and just got a warning. Anna lied and said she was 18 and got the fine.

Anna returned from Schoolies adamant she had a wonderful time - notwithstanding the fact she has incurred considerable debt from her adventures.

Anna's formal

2008-12-01T21:23:00.004+10:00

Ok - late but finally! Anna attended school for 12 years so she could attend school formal and Schoolies week. Exhausting - but it is all over.

There are tons of stories I hope to get to tell. But really - it is simply over. I took the day off work and drove up to be her slave. My youngest daughter Jane was a lovely also slave.

Crabbing The Narrows

2008-11-18T21:37:00.006+10:00

Weekends for me are normally just cooking, cleaning, shopping, taxiing and keeping my head above water. I am meant to be doing assignments for work too. I wagged again on Sunday. We drove the boat along The Narrows and searched for mud crabs. The water was beautiful and smooth. My worries flew away and I didn't give a thought to the washing, painting, decorating, cleaning, assignments and attending to my personal relationships outside my home.

I think you can click on the photos to get bigger shots... the yellow thing above the crab is to measure the shell to see if the male crab is legal size. The females simply cannot be taken at any size in our state.

Ahhhh... you wonder why I include a shot of a perfectly normal looking mangrove? Because of what is in it.

Just a little bit closer!

Baby eagle plays dead - perfectly still as you get close. He is almost as big as Mum and Dad who hovered close around us and just watched.

I love days like that.

Tom

2008-10-30T21:05:00.008+10:00

At 6.14am Monday 27th October my oldest daughter Sara and her partner Chris welcomed Thomas Raymond into the world. It was Chris's birthday on the 26th so he had to endure the long labour after a day out golfing enjoying a drink. I was thousands of kilometres away and amazed that Sara kept texting me until just after midnight to keep me informed. I had a sleepless night just waiting and worrying. I was ridiculously sober.

I wasted my two days off work and did buggar all really. I considered having the full week off - but after wasting the two days I figured best I get back. No more wasting my days off for my kids.

Here is my grandson Jay with his new brother Tom. Jay looks dreadfully serious doesn't he?
According to Sara Jay is besotted by his brother.
They are Manly fans - but we don't hold football against them of course.
She is probably going to want to kill me for posting pictures of her hours after giving birth on the Internet. It is OK - I have done heaps worse.
Sara has big boobs hey? She has to be pleased about THAT!
The happy (and the gappy?) family.

My colleague and friend welcomed her granddaughter the exact same day - but we were first so therefore - we won. Today she bought her tiny granddaughter - Charlotte Louise into my work to show her off... and I burst into tears. I wont get to see Sara,Tom and Jay until the December Kylie Minogue trip .....

For added ~~bullshit~~ drama Jane chose Monday to cut her wrists again. So - her father has rescued her from the tent and she... well... I don't know. She is safe in a house with people that love her again. People that cannot understand and feel utterly useless.... and I can't describe this properly. It is - for one second we were all happy and celebrating and the next we were all appalled and feeling useless and... well... I really can't describe this properly. I don't really know what happened.. I sent Jane the phone photo of the baby and Tuesday morning my second daughter rings to tell me Jane has been in hospital and has stitches and bandages.... and her father had to go and get her. I have to give my children's father that - in a crisis we work together. Occasionally we snip and snap at each other. But.. he comes through when he is needed. I don't know if Sara knows anything about that - and am a little worried about her reaction to that. Maybe she knows more than me. The kids dad and I always feel we know everything last.

Then - just to top the week off... I have been looking for MONTHS for a suitable new car. MOTH (man of the house aka Christian) tells me it is my car. But he definately has opinions. Our ford falcon has almost 700,000 kms on the odometer. The car is a bloody legend. But now - it has had it. The registration runs out on the 1st December. I find a well priced 2 year old ford falcon that will suit our needs. We need to tow - and we have had good luck with fords. But I didnt wait for MOTH to go and secure the car at the dealership. So he reacted by firstly arriving at the dealership and yelling at me and secondly when I get home and my girlfriend Meg is waiting for nibblies and has wine... another family train wreck occurs in company. Oh... heck it has been a week.

Anyway - we bought the car. I needed him as a co signature on the loan because I only clear $500 a week and I didn't wan't to owe money for more than 3 years. I pick it up tommorrow. But this week has just been... incredible. It probably wasn't a good idea writing about it except to serve once again as my sometimes diary.

Anyway -as I clean up after the train wreck that simply was another week, and hide the blushing and trembling from you that is my embarrassment... It will all be fine really.

Oh - and I hate working without my regular coworker. I hate bullshit workplace politics. But - I just took on a car loan so I can't quit now until I pay for it. I am going to save my holidays for a week there are no dramas and do the things I like best.

2008-10-26T20:06:00.005+10:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Sara has had a show and is at Windsor Hospital with contractions at 6.5 minutes apart... resting, watching TV and not laughing at any of her mother's extremely funny jokes. So baby should be with us soon enough. I am taking a few days off work to celebrate... (or because good excuses are hard to find and I put in for these days when we first found out about her pregnancy ages ago).

I rang Dad - he had completely forgotten Sara was pregnant. I told him about the wonderful pictures of Uncle Bill and Jane and the Priddles at the departure of the Coral Princess - and he told me to print them all out and bring them when we get there in December.

Peter - he told me that you guys return from Sparky's (the dog) showing in Sydney. Please let us know how he went.

Jokes about how old I am - you can all ~~fuck off~~ stuff off with. I am a young, fun Grandmother.

I think they are going to call the baby Thomas Raymond (yes the hideous complications with THAT... maybe they are just joking on that too. Bad taste funny jokes seem to be absolutely rampant within my girls at the moment.)

I have a bottle of bubbles on standby as I wait impatiently unable to concentrate on much. I really should make my self concentrate on the pictures I promised for the baby's room.

Any of the Stevens' family reading this... don't forget to tell me EVERYTHING.

Jay is being babysat by Sara's step father-in-law. I hope he gets a few days off too.

Love Nanny Mel.

P.S. Jill - tell your daughter to hurry up. We could fit in lunch and some baby shopping if she would just be a little thoughtful and do it at the same time!

Long time - no post

2008-10-22T19:35:00.003+10:00

I have no real excuses. Nothing all that interesting happened that I felt the need to write about it. Heaps of things happened. I wasn't all that productive on the home front - I still have projects unfinished and lists all over the place. I haven't been fishing or boating as much as I would of liked. I just went to work, came home, smelt the roses whilst watering the garden and admired the mad lorikeets, galahs, crested pigeons and finches that expect me to feed them.

My son and partner have had fishing adventures. Mostly on weekends I just do housework, fiddle with assignments and prepare food for friends and family. Drink wine and enjoy their company.

William is sorting freshly caught prawns in this photo - the medium size ones we ate and the smaller ones they used for bait. The normal adventures with mudcrabs that escaped in the boat and had to be caught.

Heaps of adventures with my daughters - especially the teenagers. Right now - Jane IS living in a tent at a caravan park charging her ipod and phone in the communal bathroom. She came home last week claiming her father was impossible but she was willing to live under our rules because she understood she had no choice until she was comfortable financially. That lasted two nights - on the second when I said "No" to her sleeping at her friends house that had that day been to court and is facing juvenile detention ... everything flew out the window. Well - no - actually this time nothing was thrown.. barely even words if you don't count... "Fuck you all I will live in my tent." I was a bit amazed because I didn't think Jane could actually assemble a tent - but hey wonders never cease! Hopefully this wont last too long. I will go there on Saturday morning and see if I can find the right words JUST once for this girl. I stupidly got her a babysitting job that allowed her to have the money to catch the train back to Rockhampton. I will feel a bit stupid when that parent asks me for Jane to babysit again and have to explain Jane is no longer available... sitting in her tent at some caravan park so she can work at her beloved MacDonald's. She has lost heaps of weight and seems a little over confident - but she is still taciturn and it makes her suffer more than she should. I KNOW she is suffering with no money at the park but until she rings I will not do anything.

Gawd - enough of that - its making me dizzy.

Anna owes more money than many 30 year olds, however her most important concern is the Year 12 formal and whether or not I chose a nice photograph for her schoolies passport. I fixed her computer and had it here for three weeks with her brother and his mates happily using it and when I delivered it to her... within one week it had a virus that had her crying on the phone. That is pretty incredible when you consider she isn't on line at her fathers.The teenage girls plug their stuff into Anna's pc... oh who knows. Anyway that is another job for Saturday. The irony lay in that her father DID get her the Internet... and the PC is not working. Oh - and because Anna is the opposite of taciturn (word web says voluble... and I have never heard that word said!) SOMEHOW when I am talking to this little lady who keeps borrowing money she cannot repay I am somehow considering buying the accessories for her formal ..... ARGHHHHHH.

Sara (my oldest daughter) is now heavily pregnant and due in the next two weeks. Finally - someone told me the sex of the baby (apparently I can't keep a secret so I wasn't to be told) and......... I bloody told Anna - and when Sara rang her.... Anna said "Oh and Mum said the baby is a boy." Brilliant ... just brilliant.

My girls and me. Good grief. I am guessing you can see why I haven't posted.

BUT - Sara stuffed up too. She rang Jane (Jane..at her tent in the caravan park after recharging her mobile phone in the communal bathroom) - and Jane said "Don't worry Sara - I will give you the $150 for the Kylie Minogue tickets for our girls trip in December" and Sara said "Oh - don't give it to me Mum paid for them all on my birthday". Brilliant Sara. I will NEVER GET EITHER DAUGHTER TO PAY FOR THEM NOW.....

And then all of that idea seems to be stuffed up too... because I didn't book time off at work and three people have already beaten me to the dates of the concert. Actually I haven't even booked our airfares for that trip yet. I think if Sara is not too mad at me for not going to see her and the baby.... that I should just gift it to her and she should do with it as she pleases. I would love to see my family at Cootamundra. But the amazing thing about them is that they will understand .... I am a little furious with my mother when I told her about my daughters antics.. she was so... oh all my Bowral friends children are so successful and perfect. And sadly my reaction was.... well my daughters happen to be pretty... so fuck your successful, perfect and sensible kids..... ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

Ohhhh... and I was demented over that afternoons conversation. I remembered every single thing I felt my mother didn't do for me. And I cried when I realised that's how Jane feels... Jane thinks we just sent her away to boarding school and that the others were preferred. I never even had the chance to do ANYTHING for Sara... her family had all the keys there. I don't feel comfortable intruding there. I didn't want to be the intruder. But I am.

And just when work was looking and acting perfect.... it has became horrendous. And I don't think it would be prudent for me to post about my misery with that here. Suffice to say - this world can be a pretty cruel place. It is unlikely I will quit. I have no debts - so I can if I want. My girls have few expectations of me. I know two of them love me and I love my times with them. My son wont mind one bit if I say we are off to live on a houseboat. MOTH (Christian my partner) seems to just tolerate anything I do. I adore the kids I work with. There are about 18 staff at my work. Two I find intolerable, unprofessional, mean and occasionally stupid. I don't know what to do. I will just do my best at remaining tolerable, professional, kind and using my brains. Parenthood isnt easy.

Lots of things in life are wonderful. But lots .. just are not. But I am fine. I may have to find committees and stuff to join again soon. Oh well.

I have a kayak

2008-08-17T19:47:00.005+10:00

MOTH bought me a kayak on Friday.

I have wanted one for sometime - but generally he would dismiss it as yet another of my not so sensible desires. For example - I have always wanted a hideously expensive lamp. With four kids who always broke everything, always owning errant dogs and now grandchildren to continue the carnage... I still want this lamp. I am the one who throws the ball to the dogs inside. I am accused of being the one who decides to dance with my daughters at midnight to songs from You Tube.

I SUSPECT he bought it for me to prove I wont use it.

That is probably why when I woke up Saturday morning after he had left for work he had tied the bloody thing onto my car. I was very pleased to receive the gift but I didn't mean I wanted to go kayaking NOW. It is Winter still for heavens sake! In my very glamorous winter nightwear I stared at the car and kayak out the window. I know I said I wanted the damn thing - but I have errands to run, and I am not completely sure I can lift or tie this thing back on if I did try to use it.

When Cheree arrived we both stared over it with our cups of tea. We considered driving her car to Barney Point Beach and getting a bucket of sand to tip over the kayak to explain to MOTH that we did try it and would try it again once the warmer weather came back. But I have that dent in the car that isn't fixed and I figured the salt water wouldn't be so good. Or we were too lazy to even try that.

All we could think of was the water would be bloody cold.

MOTH arrived home much earlier than expected and he was keen to take it out. He had first go around Callemondah dam and I declined to have a go.

But this morning he assured me it was not as windy as yesterday afternoon and I did have a go... both at the Callemondah dam and in the Auckland Creek. The water was no colder than I remember it in the warmer months - only the wind made me feel cold where I splashed myself. I get a wet bottom because I am very unco-ordinated in the getting in and out of the kayak.

Next weekend I will attempt to row my little boat from Callemondah to the Yacht club. MOTH didn't know I had the camera.. so only pictures of him playing in it were taken.

But I do love my little kayak.

The volkswagon crash

2008-08-04T20:45:00.007+10:00

I was away with Anna and William at the end of June beginning of July. When I returned my beloved brother told me of a terrible incident wherein my father and step mother had a car accident. My father is fond of old cars. Well old machines really. Maybe because we cant afford new? Who knows? But he lovingly restored his VW. And he loved it. They were on their way to a VW rally in Wagga when a large dual cab 4x4 lost control overtaking on a crest and rolled in front of them. Dad took evasive action and... well.... the pictures tell the story...

It could of been much worse. I shudder to think how much worse. My step mother had her arm broken and a plate in it and spent her very first night in hospital. She would of hated it. Joan likes her home and her pretty smells and things. I hate thinking of her having to go to a hospital.

The VW wont be able to be fixed. I can see the misery in my fathers face. My nephew to me just looks like my beautiful little brother.

It was just magnificent though that Dad and Joan didn't get seriously hurt. Horrific that it can take just a second to... destroy something someone worked so hard to preserve.

I can see in some of those photos.. that on the left the t-model ford has been removed from the shed so the VW can go in. That is saying something. My father spent the last 40 years preserving that car... and he moves it to put this broken car in. The car of his youth... that he drove across the Nullabor with his best mate from college. (Not the exact one...)

I was shaken. I am not ready to lose these people. I dont ring or write or visit as much as I should. I just like to know they are there.

They are fine... thank dog.

Climbing Mount Larcom

2008-08-03T22:04:00.012+10:00

This morning MOTH, my son William, my workmate and friends Cheree and Tonya and Tonya's son Christian set off to climb Mount Larcom. The photo below is taken from about 3/4 of the way up the walk.

Mount Larcom is only 632 m above sea level but the highest peak in our area. The walk is meant to be EASY... and takes five hours. It took us just over an hour and a half up - we spent an hour at the top and probably just over an hour down. Or else I am delusional because I am so bloody tired. I have attempted this before and failed. I just quit last time. I was grateful to have Cheree and Tonya this time. Because there was no bloody way I was quiting if they didn't.

Our dog Rocky and me at the top. He probably is part dingo. I don't know. He and our other dog Dotti sleep in our beds, hog our sofas and molest all visitors. We like them. Many others do not like them. Dotti can rarely come on outings because she is deaf.

That is V for victory. And proof I crawled up the damn top.
Viewing where our cars where.

My son William didn't seem as pooped as I was. I still smoked anyway.

Cheree is not doing V for victory she is giving me rabbit ears.

All around us gorgeous views. Exhilarating.

Magnificent.

The narrows where we boat and fish and crab.

At work we have a "Biggest Loser" competition wherein whoever loses the most weight wins the weigh in money from the contestants on Fridays weigh in. I like to be competitive. So I made these for us for our return. None of us ate them. I hate their will power.

Quick fill in

2008-08-02T22:27:00.002+10:00

Oh! I haven't still been partying!

MOTH has been sick - and naturally because he is male his sickness is far worse than any other sick person has ever suffered. He had a week off work and hogged the sofa and the television (I think I will scream if I have to endure another episode of Deadliest Catch.) He is cranky and not like the MOTH I normally share my life with. My patience is thin, but thankfully I think he is on the mend.

My closest friend was devastated by the actions of her teenage daughter. Common theme, no one to blame - simply teenage girls can be so selfish. I spend 7.5 hours a day with this friend and vicarious traumatisation is very wearying. And pretty fair to say I have already done my share of teenage daughters who break hearts. My own daughters and hers - beautiful, smart, funny and with basically good hearts who want to grow up too soon. And absolutely understanding the desire to be a grown up because we already did the teenage years.

At work there are lovely women who make me proud to be part of their team and happy to be with. There are also a couple that simply make life miserable when life shouldn't be.

I have a couple of challenging children at the moment. One I haven't warmed to and that makes me feel bad. I haven't had a challenging child before that I didn't end up loving like crazy. This child just manages to make me angry and it disturbs me that I have no nice feelings for this child. The other challenging child just captured my heart and makes me roar laughing and she is naughty (we aren't allowed to ever use words like naughty) but she is just such a funny little whirlwind...and it bugs me that the little whirlwind makes me happy and laugh and the other child that has behaviour problems simply makes me angry. A conflict within me. I can fight with the whirlwind all day and not feel any awful emotion. The other child just makes me feel awful emotions. I cannot cuddle her. I cannot sympathise with her. It is a really odd feeling. And I do feel like a monster to not be able to love that child like I love the others. The whirlwind honestly is just as naughty as that child. Maybe naughtier. I certainly feel bad that I cant seem to warm to this child.

All my other kids at work are complete angels. Funny, smart and best of all they like my singing. Brilliant caring parents. I bribe my two year olds with toileting... jelly beans for wees or poos. I do it out of my laziness. I have 12 children I have to change 4 times a day. It is hard work - so I get them to use the toilets as soon as I can. Bribes work. Some kids are smart enough to make one wee worth five jellybeans but I am willing to pay that. I know they haven't finished the toileting. It isd easier for me to watch them on the toilet than it is to take them to the change table. I can do other things standing at the door of the bathroom. I have been so lucky with these kids. They are all (well excluding my battle with the one) just amazing and wonderful.

My father and stepmother had a terrible accident... and the 1955 Volkswagen my father had lovingly restored is a right off. It gave me a bit of a fright too. I like knowing they are there. I don't ever want them not to be there.

I am climbing Mt Larcom tomorrow with some friends from work. I have failed this walk before. I got cranky and gave up and sat by myself. I am not failing tomorrow.

My 40th birthday party

2008-07-06T21:21:00.013+10:00

Forty friends and /or colleagues (including 14 children) attended the 40th birthday party that wasn't meant to occur last night. I invited everyone from work because of cause it is rude to not invite someone.. but thankfully only the lovelies came. I wasn't going to have a party - it was one of those things thrust upon me that I didn't back out of ... and hosted at a girlfriends house because APPARENTLY some of my friends don't approve of my dogs and their... manners (which are impeccable). But my friends home is definitely more party friendly than mine.... and the gesture breathtaking that people will do these things for me.

My friend (and boss actually) said NO CHILDREN OTHER THAN YOURS AND MINE... and I had to beg for some children to be allowed to attend. For as long as I have lived here - those children and our celebrations have been together and the thought of having a celebration without them wasn't very appealing to me.

Photographs can be so bloody awful - Kelly's face is actually gorgeous - that is just one of those moments.My daughter Anna trying to get the cake on the plate... with Madison (her long time friend and someone I just know to expect to be around) and me....

I think I am probably opening a present or simply enamoured with whatever I am drinking with this photo. I gave the camera to Mitchell aged 12 and asked him to take photos. We had heaps of ceilings and single balloons.

My youngest daughter Jane is handing me presents to open and Madison in the background... my partner (aka MOTH - Christian with his back to us) our friends Keiran and Christian in the background.

Hope and me and the .... cold brutality of photographs when one is drinking ....

These ladies are my workmates. Jill in the purple is always good fun and amusing. MOTH bought me a pinata...a lime green dragon that we filled with lollies for the children. Hmm... the children who are all growing so big now. It was lovely looking at the children that came... from toddlers to smart children, from children to teenagers...

However - we all know pinatas should be approached from smallest child to biggest - two strikes each etc...... Jill watched one child swing and decided she wanted a go - completely misunderstood the two strikes per person rule and just flogged the poor little thing till it exploded. The children didn't mind - they just wanted the lollies. Mitchell came and found me shortly after to offer me the half of his loot find... how beautiful?

I guess I posted this picture to show food or something? See the cake? Simona made that for me. I play trivia with her on Wednesday evenings and she offered to make me the cake. It was beautiful. Strawberries in every layer.

The kids amused themselves while the adults made merry. They fought with the balloons and played on Playstation 2 singstar.

I think that game is called throwing the Morgan or something. No kid came to an adult crying so all was good.

Shortly after the next photograph the adults pushed the kids off the singstar and proceeded to make idiots of themselves... with much joviality and some utter rudeness. It was wonderful. I took a nap.

My new friend Andrea (on the right) and my long time friend Hope got on like they had known each other for ever. I have only known Andrea properly a short time (she is the friend who bought me cake and a gift and card after that awful incident at work when I had to take the blame for the small child that was scratched and bitten)

Behind the girls is the banners and streamers Joy bought me while I was at the Gold Coast last weekend. She rang me yesterday and I had to use her voice for a little while to help me calm down. It worked.. it always does.

I fret about stuff like... will everyone be happy. Will everyone be fed?

I will add a small childhood story from my life.

It was my birthday and I would of been only 11 Iuess. My parents divorced in 1977 and I was quite saddened by this occurrence. We had moved house, and my mother had a boyfriend and we shared the house with a lady who was ok... usually. I asked my mother if I could have a party and she said yes... and stupid me invited my friends. My Mama was most likely suffering from depression but I was a stupid kid who didn't think about anything other than how wonderful it would be to have a party. When my friends arrived... Mama had made a cake but didn't ice it and all we had to drink was cordial. That was it. Nothing else. I used bravado to act like it was all fine. I remember my heart pacing and my fear and horror. And kids are nasty.

The next day at school... one person led the way but two followed to ask for the return of their gifts. I felt utterly humiliated. I gave them back the gifts. I don't think my mother ever even noticed. I told myself it was my fault for being so greedy to think I could have a proper party. I then ruined my brothers birthday party.... insisting on pass the parcels with old crap we had owned and games...because I so wanted his to be nice.....

I was bossy and horrible and told all his friends they were not getting their presents back.

In the cold light of day... I didn't run out of food or booze. The night was wonderful. I have good friends and I love life.. I am very lucky.

Peter Pan's shadow.... it happens more than we think!

2008-06-21T19:33:00.003+10:00

Remember Peter Pan's shadow?
Well - it happens more than you thought! One of the lovely young ladies from work was walking her dogs along the beach and took a happy snap.

Yep - that's another errant shadow!

As a dog does

2008-06-03T23:02:00.002+10:00

I just got a text message from my dear Mr T.B. Brady. It certainly isn't the only time this friend has helped me.
But if I had to thank all my wonderful friends (and some of you beautiful blogger people who just... really help me) it would take too bloody long.
But I LOVE THIS. (I am aware it is completely vulgar.)

Thought for the day.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog - If you cant eat it or root it... piss on it and walk away.

Sad farewells... Ms Fits quit on RYWHM!

2008-06-02T19:31:00.003+10:00

I guess it was just too bloody impossible for anyone to hate her.
One of my very favourite bloggers has quit.
I will miss the funny tiny leftie who gave me many moments of reading pleasure. Well... I doubt it really. Just have to keep an eye out for what she is up to next?
Marieke - you have been a pleasure.
I am hoping she was just premenstrual.

Malicious gossip and tragic incidents

2008-05-30T19:58:00.001+10:00

Last week at work a terrible incident occurred. Fifteen minutes before my shift was over one of my supervisors instructed me to toilet my children. I called three of my 2 year olds and left the sandpit area immediately. My mistake was not waiting for the supervisor to send someone else to the sandpit.

She gets paid $8 an hour more than me for being qualified and responsible.My teammates often gripe about this particular supervisors double standards and very rarely does anyone stand up for themselves and say no to her.

Anyway - a small child was hurt by another child whilst the sandpit area was unsupervised. And of course I felt just terrible. I left work saddened and horrified at the horrible incident. I shouldn't of left until someone else had replaced me. Ten minutes before a coworker and myself were playing ball happily with all these kids and the little child that was attacked giggling delightfully sitting on a bike near me. When I was instructed to leave the area I just did as I was told. Ten minutes later the child was scratched and bitten.

The anguished mother decided she wanted to personally tell off the person responsible... so two of my supervisors decided that was me and the following morning I endured a very personal attack by the mother. I wasn't given this as a choice - the supervisors involved on these days led me to believe there was not an option.

I have learnt since that I could of refused.

Anyway, as if that wasn't horrid enough.... about six months ago I came to work with a hangover. I mean it.. a rotten, thumping, pore seeping, wretched hangover. I am telling you - childcare is no place to ever have a hangover. Every maraca shaken, drum thumped, piercing scream, the hokey pokey hurts to the very core. "The wheels on the bus"? That bit where the people on the bus stand up sit down? Man - killer. The woman I work with usually laughed at me... as you should. It is the Australian way - laugh at the sucker because there but for the grace of dog... you could be there. But - being a good supervisor when another staff member mentioned my condition to her she also gave me some cheap perfume and chewing gum.

I have managed to upset a couple of women I work with. Anyway, cutting a long story short...well shorter... I was surprised to see my direct supervisor upset with some staff for gossiping... and as she muttered about their malicious activities I... didn't bother asking what they were gossiping about... Another coworker came down to me and told me to watch my back... and I thought she was referring to the fact my washing machine has been strangely putting fluff on stuff or I could have been used as a nose wipe by one of my children... and I went and checked the back of my shirt. Another coworker was talking to my supervisor about something being finished and she turned to me and said "I am so sorry Melissa" and I thought she meant because she must of thought she was interrupting me.. so I said.. "Don't be silly - nothing to apologise about!"

The malicious gossip was about me. That I was hungover and drank alcohol during my lunch hour which explains why I never eat lunch in the staff room. (I live across the road and come home at lunch time to do the washing up, play with the dogs, check the gardens and enjoy quiet time)

One of the supervisors told a family member who also happens to be one of my best friends and she came immediately to tell me. I rang my direct supervisor (who happens to be my nicest close friend at the moment) and said why the hell didn't you tell me? She said she knew how upset I was over the incident last week and wanted to spare my feelings. She also knew it was bullshit (she is a friend who knows me very well - including the fact I do drink alcohol)

My daughter Anna came home for most of the week this week. It was just nice having her home.
I bought myself some computer stuff that I think is pretty cool before all this crap happened and it arrived yesterday. My 22" monitor is just gorgeous EXCEPT it means everyone can see what I am typing/looking at and they all LOOK!
MOTH is fine as always and just amuses himself. He deals with everything with food and sex. Wish I could do it as easily.
A new friend was surprisingly wonderful and bought me chocolate cake and small gifts that really made me think.. wow sometimes life is wonderful. How thoughtful and lovely?
The majority of my colleagues were wonderful with their support, kind words and defence.
My daughter Jane continues to make her own life more difficult than it should be.
William pointed out some new tumours (he has hereditary multiple exostoses) and today we got yet another referral to a specialist. I took him shopping for new shoes and sports gear today while we waited for the doctors receptionist to type up our letter. William let me send him to the hairdresser for a real haircut - and I suspect he did that just to please me. He doesn't like having his hair cut, and today he let them cut it short and how I like it.
I have the flu and didn't go to work today. I suspect the flu is my own fault because it is policy to wear gloves for wiping kids noses and sometimes I don't bother if I think no one is watching. But the kids sneeze on me and I cuddle them if they cry... germ city and I guess I am rundown because I have been so upset this past week.

Still - was a bit shocking that such lies could be told by a couple of my workmates and for me to be so stupid to not see what was going on. My funny jokes have to stop. My direct supervisor and I do laugh and carry on about some of my activities outside of work. Only Saturday after the incident we went to Rockhampton for her sons football and to catch up with my girls and Sizzlers for lunch... and I did have a terrible hangover and complained all the food tasted like the brandy she gave me that I swear was dodgy. I was the one who passed out first at the work social club function. I do say silly things like "wine makes me clever" before we attend trivia at a local hotel with my workmates.
I enabled the sad women to try to spread such a horrid thing about me. I guess we live and learn.

The.. If I was your mother story

2008-05-18T22:20:00.003+10:00

I forgot something funny that happened.
The football ground at Rockhampton is right by the Fitzroy river near the racecourse.
Anyway - Anna and I are standing outside the grounds in the carpark opposite the river... when up comes another half dozen boys Anna's age from Gladstone. Anna is cringing because she has dressed to portray her misery for me... and she knows I will fall for it. One of the boys in particular Anna finds very attractive. Another.. she tells me is an arsehole and that I have yelled at before. (I don't remember that because the bloody kids grow faster than my memory... allows me to remember them)
A woman MAYBE my age walks up to the boys who have grouped just near us. This woman looks GORGEOUS. She is very tanned, in a short skirt with magnificent legs, slim and speaks in what I imagine is an American accent (but I could offend my Canadian friends because sometimes I cant tell the difference) and she loudly says to the boys....
"Now If I was your mother.. where would you want me to sit, because I am new at this and I don't know what to do."
The boy Anna pointed out to me that is already (rightfully) scared of me... says... delightfully for me...
"If you WERE MY MOTHER... I would say the other side of the oval... but your not... obviously so just sit at the Grandstand"
I roar laughing and say to Anna... who is disapproving of my laughing... "But really, my kids would tell me to go sit by the damn river outside the carpark...."
Anna says... "Well no frigging wonder Mum. Stop laughing. You don't even like that kid!"
That was before I realised he was very funny. I like him heaps now.

The football weekend? Or the secret weekend?

2008-05-18T20:23:00.003+10:00

Saturday morning I accompanied a friend to her sons AFL game at Rockhampton to deliver some cooked meals to my daughters and have a brief visit with them. So - here is William, Anna and a friend of theirs - Zak, early Saturday morning at football. Hmmm.... my kids are rather short actually. William commented that he wants to play AFL also.... and I looked in horror at the size of the other kids and the size of him. He never ever seems to understand he has a height disadvantage. Zak plays in under 17's and William plays under 15's for heavens sake.
Yes - Anna looks rather unkept in this particular photo. But she is demonstrating her misery. It wasn't until we got there that she said... "Goodness Mum I didn't realise people we know would be here - you could of made me do my hair!"
She is miserable over a boy. And whilst she tells me about her problems with the boy, her problems with her sister Jane and her father, her job, school, wanting to quit school and work in childcare, missing her friends, being expected to cook and clean and how there are never enough hours in the day.... I do hear her complaining that she doesn't like the food she is expected to eat. So I cooked her and Jane some meals, froze them and took them up.
As soon as we got to the AFL - Jane and Courtney (her partner in the shoplifting incident in December) asked if they could walk back to Jane's fathers house (maybe four blocks away). I cant refuse Jane any opportunity to exercise - so although I had hoped to enjoy that hour or so with both my daughters I still said yes to them walking home. I figured it was unlikely they could get into trouble in such a short amount of time. Courtney is a darling - she cant keep secrets. Jane too has boy problems and she wouldn't share anything like that with me. Anna will tell me too much but Jane wont tell me a thing. Jane also has a new mobile phone and I don't have the number.
As we drove off my friend shouted out to Jane - "Don't worry your mum has your number - she got it from the text message you sent her for Mother's day!" (Jane was the only one of my kids who didn't bother to contact me)
Anna needs another 12 logged hours (or so?) before she can get her drivers license. I wanted to give her lessons this weekend but my car has a fan belt that is squealing and that is why I opted to instead accompany my friend to meet with my girls.
This week I will attend to taking my car to the mechanics - and the weekend arrangement worked so well - that next weekend we will also travel with my friend to meet with the girls. Except we will drive further on to Yeppoon in Anna's car for the lesson and meet back at Rockhampton for lunch at Sizzlers and a visit to the zoo. All things going well - which sometimes they don't.
I gave Anna the money for a professional lesson this week. I hope she organises it and does it.
We are heading to Gold Coast again at the end of June for cheer leading Nationals competition and to meet with friends and family... and buggared if I want to be doing all the driving. I want her to drive.
Oh. My friends oldest daughter has a new boyfriend. Who happens to be Anna's first boyfriend - Robert.(I am classifying first boyfriend on the basis that he was her first lover) He was lovely. He treated Anna like a princess and Anna used to run around the house madly before he arrived making sure it was clean and begging us to be a) clothed b) sober and not make any jokes whatsover and preferably not speak at all and c) not to make any mess whatsoever.
My friend managed to keep this a secret from me for 5 1/2 hours. I am in awe. I would NEVER of managed to keep such a secret for that long from her. We discussed at work all week the fact we knew her daughter was interested in a boy. We discussed the potentials. I guessed Robert... and even did a little spying on Myspace etc..... but my friend said... nah couldn't be him. Her daughter HATES red heads. (My friend is a redhead)
Her beautiful daughter wouldn't tell her because apparently my friend cant keep secrets. Go figure huh?

William's birthday.. or my complete inability to keep secrets

2008-05-15T22:58:00.002+10:00

William will be 14 next week. And as I procrastinated and pondered and .... did it again... the only thing he really wanted... was the xbox360 which is already like.. ancient technology...and you probably should buy the elite one etc etc....
William is meant to empty the bins and water the plants on the front verandah. Especially since Anna left home, he never remembers either. Sometimes he is meant to get washing off the line or out of the dryer and put it away. It is all on his top bunk in his bedroom as we speak.
But he never causes me trouble or headaches OTHER than because he will not tell me when he needs new things - like shoes and toothbrushes. Lack of time, or wasting time - bad time management and lousy shopping .... I just got in a bad mood and decided I wanted to buy him what he wanted.
MOTH was late home indulging a little with his friends. I was a little bit wild. (Wild as in angry) MOTH was a little intimidated by my bad temper and as I hadn't consumed any alcohol I drove us to the mall... shopping after a fifteen minute quick read on the xbox 360. We probably should of bought the elite version. If we waited the K-mart lovely girl warned us - we would save a whole $15 next week. But I was just tired and wanted the whole.. birthday dilemma out of the way. So we bought the.. go pro box and a game... with lots of swearing and the russian immigrants steal cars and stuff...
MOTH made William find the present by telling him to take the garbage out and the stuff being out there. In MOTH's mind that is funny. Give creedence to the fact MOTH gets frustrated to death by my lack of being able to keep such a secret and wait for the birthday. But I really cant. MOTH wanted to keep the game at least as a secret. I rang Anna to tell her of the torture... and she understood Mummy cant keep secrets.
Anna is a little upset because the love of her life... was a little mean today and she feels her heart is breaking. Sunday... I will make try fix it... but you cant really. When you are 17 and you think your boyfriend has been mean... the sun has stopped shining. She was good because she ... at least or only.. could understand my absolute impatience....
My brother told me to buy a Wee2 or something. So did Sara I think. But I felt.. William just never bothers me. He never tells me I dont provide enough. He never asks for ANYTHING. He never tells me how great anyone elses parents are and how he has nothing. I dont even notice he has inadequate footwear until it becomes a state of embarrassment. I knew he wanted this thingo.
And I couldnt wait just one week till his birthday to give it to him.
But... as I purchased it... his mates Reggie, Jayden and Sam came to the counter to say G'day. So... that gives me an excuse. As if they would of kept a secret?

Chucking a sickie...

2008-05-14T23:06:00.003+10:00

Yep - I did it. At my work you have to call in sick at 6.30am. I think that is ridiculous... but that is the rule. You also have to have a doctors certificate if you are sick on a Monday or a Friday.
I wasn't REALLY sick - if you count having a temperature and name of an ailment. But I have been a little stressed worrying about a family member, Anna has so many things on her agenda and so many decisions to make, I have unavoidably made conflict with a couple of my colleagues that I just... wish would go away.... and I have heaps of sick days up....
I chose today because there was a performance at work so the kids would be attending that and not really know I was missing. Wednesday is also the only day that my room doesn't have full attendance.
I chose today last week actually - and made sure the person I would like to relieve me was available.
We are meant to complete a module a month of study to keep our jobs. And I find when I get home from work I am tired - and I have dinner to prepare, washing, some housework that cannot be avoided, MOTH to attend to, friends to entertain and be a friend too, bills to pay, blogs & emails to read, Anna wants someone to whinge too, William needs to be reminded to move away from the television/xbox/ps2 and attend the real world... the garden needs attending and the capsicums need roasting. Ok - so I do anything but my homework.
So - today the plan was to knock over some of the dreaded assignments.
I sat in the garden for an hour. I pondered some madness that always troubles me. I fed the birds - both the lorrikeets, crested pigeons and galahs out the back and the finches out the front and watched them for a while. I filled in my holiday application for the end of June beginning of July to take Anna to her gymnastics (ok - cheerleading) competition and meet my aunt and cousins for a possibly wonderful and exciting reunion... (possibly because one shouldn't get their hopes up plans can change and I could get the holiday application rejected) I opened my books and the files on the computer.
Then Meg rang and said.. I am at The Valley... want to do lunch? Of course I do ... I am starving. We choose a local Chinese restaurant... and horror of horrors... not one but TWO of the parents of the children in my room work there. Serves myself right for not paying attention to what people do for a living. I recognised them but couldn't think... where... and when it suddenly dawned on me....... bloody hell there was no escape. Hope they didn't notice I had three plates of all you can eat. I ate Meg's left overs too actually. Hardly the behaviour of a sick person!
And when we got home and had coffee and Meg left - yep. I napped. Then I cooked Anna and Jane lasagne, noodles and fish pie becaue they complain to me that they dont like the food at their fathers and I am going there this weekend to take Anna for more driving lessons and deliver food. Jane claims she is now a vegetarian - so I made vegetarian lasagne and noodles and veggies for her... and meat ones for Anna. Jane is eating fish still.
I did complete ONE assignment. Bloody hope it passes.

Mother's Day

2008-05-14T22:37:00.003+10:00

Early Sunday morning a friend and her family and MOTH, William, myself and Dotti the wonderdog went to the Marina for breakfast to celebrate Mother's Day. The two MOTH's took the dogs for a walk while us Mums COOKED... but enjoyed the beautiful scenery weather and company.
It was my choice to only take Dotti - because I think she gets left behind too often. She is deaf and... out of laziness I guess sometimes it is just easier to leave her at home.She does obey hand signals... but funny enough she doesn't seem to see them when there are children to play with at a park or beach and other dogs to see. Actually we have had some downright disasters where she has to be chased for miles before she realises she is meant to come to us. Lucky for us - she never tries to escape from home and she is... getting a tad beefy....
A football was kicked around and rescued a couple of times from the harbour. It was a pleasant morning.
When we got home.. MOTH and William gave me a terrific present. They went fishing. After I had washed up breakfast and repacked our picnic/camping box I had a glorious three hour nap.
And William and MOTH eventually returned with two cod, five summer whiting (my favourite) and two mudcrabs. Yes, cod are ugly but they taste great.
My oldest daughter Sara sent me a bottle of scotch (a rather large one at that) and an ipod shuffle. MOTH owes me the majority of the scotch.
The ipod thingo just loaded itself with music from my computer.. which meant I was horrified because it had heaps of crap on it I don't want to listen to. It took me a couple of nights to figure out my own playlist. MOTH however... very much liked the first couple of nights when it was loaded with.... too much...
I enjoyed conversations on the telephone with both of my oldest daughters - although I guess a lot of it was just the... terrible struggle of day to day living, obligations, desires and fears. My youngest daughter Jane didn't ring me at all. Monday night she told me she had forgotten.
We made our phone calls...and I did very little really. Another girlfriend visited in the afternoon and I had acquired a ST Kilda track suit for her son from the girlfriend in the morning... and little Morgan was delighted with the track suit.
My friend gave me a harness for my dogs... and I took Rocky for a walk in the evening. He was so well behaved - normally he is an absolute shit for me...I thought the harness was a miracle. The next night I took him for a walk with it and he was an absolute shit again - I think he was just pretending to be a good dog because Dotti got to attend an outing while he stayed home.
The harness doesnt fit Dotti's somewhat wide girth. I might buy her one this weekend. We could probably do with some more exercise!

Tides wait for no one...

2008-05-05T20:44:00.002+10:00

MOTH went crabbing this morning. I knew he wanted me to come too - but I have to complete the study for work.... and it is hideous saying "No I cant come I need to do this" when really I would much rather drive about on the boat and look at the scenery.

I never do much on the boat. I do have a boat license.. but I doubt very much I can actually drive our boat. The boat I got my license on... was very similar to a car. Whenever MOTH asks me if I want to drive.. I decline. I like being the passenger. As a matter of fact I don't really help with anything on the boat. If MOTH asks for the net.. I throw it at him.. I don't use it. If MOTH is busy with his own fish... I get snappy and cranky because I need help with mine because it looks like it could be spiky. I will jump off the boat and hold a bucket on top of a crab and yell for him to help. I never touch them myself.

I can go one further on the horridness of me. I rarely even peel/crack my own crab. I wait for MOTH to do it for me. I love eating mud crab but it bores me to open them.

Anyway - the high tide was very high today. The low tide was very very low. And he got stuck. And because he was at The Narrows that has not very good phone coverage it just meant I had phone calls from his mobile phone that I couldn't answer or reconnect to.

I wasted worries with the non connecting calls worrying something ghastly had happened to him and Rocky the wonder dog. They just didn't watch the time and couldn't use the boat ramp because the tide was so low... so they were stuck.

I did a tiny bit of my assignments. Mostly I was annoyed that I was stuck at home with the assignments and the entire rest of the world was out having fun. I would of rathered being stuck in 0.4 metre low tides on The Narrows.

2008-04-20T22:14:00.004+10:00

Although we have fenced the yard at the front and on the sides, Rocky the wonderdog kept escaping by scaling the back fence. So this weekend we cut down all the bushes, trees and vines and pulled it all away - erected taller posts and attached dog wire to thwart his desire to play street and bridge troll at night time.

Big job, huge mess and effort by MOTH, William and myself. However, the ugly fence will soon be hidden like this one when the weedy vine grows over it. And I like the green look. And the stress of hearing how Rocky wouldn't let a neighbour walk over the bridge will be gone! Most of our neighbours just tell Rocky to rack off... and call his bluff... but a few understandably have a big problem with Rocky barking at them as they try to cross the bridge. Other neighbours are not so impressed when their purebred bitches are on heat and Rocky's amorous activities are not thought fondly received. He often comes home wet from being hosed and limping as if he has been kicked. MOTH utterly rejects desexing him though.

Anna (daughter no2) made an unplanned trip back to Gladstone after a huge fight with her father early this week. After many discussions with me, she did apologise to him and go home to him. For the life of her she couldn't understand how she could be in the wrong for allowing midnight parties at her fathers house for teenagers (boys too, alcohol and her Dad thought they had been smoking ... lol.. he would of been HORRIFIED)

During our talks she helped me at my work. Although she certainly is the self centred teenager who has a real problem with consideration for how her parents feel - she is delightful to work with. She can think ahead, she is never idle and she just always has been lovely too work with.

Jane (daughter no3) had caught the train to Rockhampton Monday evening basically as Anna was on her way down here. So - Anna missed a day at school and had to eat humble pie a little as she told everyone she was leaving never to return.

It would be funny really if I didn't get so upset when she cries.

Another day another drama?

My little kids at work were delighted with seven tutu's that my Mama made for me. I had told her how I only had two - and that often caused disputes with the children. Seven does too - there are not only 10-12 kids in my room but the other children soon spotted them and wanted them too.

I have deliberately chosen photographs with the children's faces not on them - but I still worry a little I should not use the photos. But I just want to share how cute and beautiful these children are... and how they make me so happy with their antics.
We attended a thank you BBQ last night for all the people (and their families) who helped with the build of a house. The house had some very clever design features and was lovely. William and I left early. The food was just being cooked as we left and the bubbles had flowed for three hours on my empty stomach. I rang a girlfriend and said "Come and get us.. I am too drunk." She will tease me unmercifully this week for that.

I guess I deserve it.

Missed Opportunity

2008-04-20T21:38:00.004+10:00

Whilst staying at Joy's, somehow in conversation my aunt came up. Joy has been amused by my Aunts tales and expressed her desire to meet her one day. I said I think she is coming up to Queensland near July and that we could have that opportunity. This link is to a classic tale of my Aunt's wherein she was messing with the neighbours heads painting flowers.

However.

On the long horrid drive home with my youngest two children and a workmates children, we stopped at a large service centre at Caboolture North (according to my credit card statement) to have lunch... and so I could rest.... (I hate driving)

I walked into the ladies rest room and at the hand dryer was a woman I thought I recognized. I stopped for a second and wanted the courage to say... something...

She was intently drying her hands and didn't look up as I stared at her. I walked to the end of the toilet cubicles and turned and said... "Lola?" but I may have said it too softly. She didn't .. turn around or react.... so I decided I was mistaken. I decided in the toilet the woman was WAY TOO SKINNY to be my aunt. (One should never be fatter than ones' aunts.)

I ... missed an opportunity to spend a little time with someone I love because I am a coward! I kept thinking about it as I drove that horrid long drive home. And the second thing I did after admiring MOTH's handywork was to send off an email asking her if she was there. Over 1000kms from home at a service centre in Queensland.

She was taking her grandsons to the Sunshine Coast on a brief visit to Australia for medical treatment for her daughter.

They do plan to have a proper visit to Queensland in June. Hopefully we will all be better organised then!

Restoring the kitchen cupboards....

2008-04-20T21:08:00.004+10:00

The real title of the post should be something like... My 101 unfinished projects that still are not really finished...

But heck! Small things amuse me. Ages ago I wrote this post about the kitchen cupboard we were restoring.... It actually is STILL not completed. But at the same time we dragged that old cupboard home.. a friend purchased a similar one.. took it apart and left it .. and finally she asked me to just take it.... She had broken one of the glass doors and given up.

We just chopped the top off it and had lovely plans for it... and instead just filled it up with junk and there it sat. So it looked similar to the other one for a year.

Occasionally I would lament that one day I would finish it.

The original one just needs handles.... and some more shellac.

When I arrived home exhausted from my 700km trip on Sunday night, MOTH had a clearly pleased with himself expression and was strangely silent. I knew something was up when I spotted the kitchen floor had been freshly mopped... still wet. He had been working on the second cupboard - putting a new top on it, adding some trim and starting the shellac/stain process. No longer the eyesore full of junk!

It was a very nice surprise and I appreciated his effort when of course he could of just gone playing in the boat.... Like I normally do when I have time off!

The dash to Tweed Heads etc

2008-04-13T22:40:00.007+10:00

My oldest daughter Sara had work commitments at Surfers Paradise last week. She was kind of joking when she asked me to meet her there. But when she hung up from the telephone - I thought why not.

After all I have wonderful friends there - and my work colleagues came to the party with a relief worker that I like wanting the days work. I don't normally like spur of the moment huge engagements but I wanted to see my oldest daughter madly. And knowing I would see Joy and the kids too... was just an added bonus.

Now... Micci is all grown up now. Which means she rarely answers when I call for Micci. She tells me not to call her that because it is the name of someone she doesn't seem to care for at school. I completely don't get it because I have ALWAYS called her Micci.

By grown up I mean she is tall and beautiful. Look at her getting cranky with me for taking her photo! Ah- so pretty. And she did my hair - straightened it with a hot thingo - Friday and Saturday morning and only just got a little tired of me asking everyone to pat me.
We were not very adventurous this trip. We simply went shopping. Here is William posing with a reptile display. The green tree python and the frill necked lizard is easy... but I forget what the yellow and black snake was. Mustn't of been able to kill you I guess?

This photo is Sara, William, Jane trying on something around the corner and Micci in the purple with her back to me.

This is Sara saying ... for goodness sake Mum ENOUGH.....

The girls are so tall now. Actually we had just shopped till we almost dropped. Us girls.

Three of my kids....

According to EVERYONE... it is only meant to take 6-7 hours to drive to Brisbane-Surfers Paradise. I seem to take 9-10. It takes me forever and I hate driving! My foot gets sore. I smoke cigarettes and hate smoking on them so I stop a lot to smoke. I get wild (angry) at other drivers. I don't feel that my competency as a driver has diminished I just.... seem to let driving take so much out of me. It makes me so incredibly tired. I feel like my right foot and my hands are so tense.

I bought a work colleagues children home from where we once lived a long time ago today. And I felt that as an extra pressure when we had cows on the road after a bend or some truck driver who wanted to ride my tail when I was doing over the speed limit anyway! I have NEVER had a speeding ticket and prefer to sit... maybe 3 kms above the limit normally.

Time and speed have never really been my friend.

Oh - and I have to mention this. My friend Joy? Her cupboards and drawers are ridiculous. People shouldn't have them so damn tidy. If I didn't love her so much I would worry about that. There is no reason to have drawers and cupboards so bloody neat. They just make your guests feel bad. And I didn't break one single thing this time! Maybe the lid to the coffee because it would not go back on. But just that.

Oh... goodness.. and when I got home... MOTH had.. done something wonderful for me... I will have to post that in a minute or tomorrow or next week. Bit like my driving actually. Anything over 100kms is really too long for me.

Fellow bloggers teaching me tricks!

2008-04-05T18:40:00.002+10:00

SzélsőFa often gives me pleasure with her writing and pictures.

But this is so clever!

I am not waiting for Easter - I think this would just be adorable for a garden luncheon! Or a brunch! Or my next picnic over on the islands?

Oh - and about hours!

2008-04-01T23:06:00.003+10:00

There are never enough hours. Tonight I attended a work... first aid.. thingo that you have to do every year to keep it current. Although I resented having to do it I ended up having fun because some of my workmates are very funny. I - am hilarious - even if I do laugh at my own jokes.

Anyway - had I been voted Dog... I would of made more hours.

I messed with my template again

2008-04-01T23:04:00.001+10:00

And lost my favourite links again. Buggar and damn. Will take me an hour to put them all back.

A delightful end to my holiday

2008-03-30T18:08:00.007+10:00

My intentions for these four days taken off work were honorable. I had every intention of completing my studies. I was going to paint all the trims brilliant and clean white. I was going to spring clean and be industrious and get all those niggly little things I want to get done... done... Ten days of getting things into order.

But I wrote myself that list.... and I guess I never really got past No 15 - drink wine, eat food and be entertained by my friends.

After Easter I thought with MOTH at work and William at school I would move onto the more serious parts of my list.

Instead I had coffee with Meg for morning tea, then lunches - Tuesday I cooked, Wednesday Chinese, Thursday Tapas at Chattin' Cafe with Kelly and Meg and Friday Yummy Noodles with Meg and Jill on Meg's veranda. Yesterday I prepared nibblies for Simona's hens night and attended for a little while. MOTH and I snuck out early (of course MOTH wasn't at the hen's party; that was downstairs -he was upstairs with the hosts husband) because we had no children at home and I am not very comfortable around strangers.

So - today was my last chance. And MOTH was annoyed with me that I wouldn't come boating with him early this morning. I did the washing and pulled out all my books and paper for study.

Yesterday it rained - glorious hard rain that melted the heat and smelt so delicious. So William and Damien of course went to the mudflats to play. We would too if we were 14-13. But three times those boys came home muddied and wet... so I had stuff to attend to here. The back ramp and laundry covered in mud. Urgent washing.

So - there I was being a good mummy/student/housewife type person. And I was feeling hungry and reluctant to cook something for one person. And no kids to grab and buy something and go feed the ducks. And as I hung out the washing there were hundreds of tiny yellow and huge black butterflies. Green tree frogs in the hippiastrums. The sky was blue and the sun felt wonderful.

So I called MOTH and asked him to pick me up from the boat ramp in front of the Yacht Club. He was about to come home - but was pleased I decided to join him. I said I would pick up takeout for lunch - and he indicated he wasn't all that hungry. I changed my mind on the drive to the ramp and went to the seafood shop instead and just bought oysters and prawns. And rushed down to the boat ramp to meet MOTH and Rocky the wonderdog.

The harbour was lovely today and we went over to Facing Island. While looking for a suitable place to eat our picnic we followed the four wheel drive track signed to The Oaks. I managed to fall over in a shallow long puddle of mud. My camera was rescued and the mud felt wonderful.

Some of our walk included walking past peoples yards... and kangaroos were plentiful. They bounded off when they spotted Rocky - who has to be the worst hunter on earth. I think they would have to tap him on the shoulder for him to notice them. (You can click on the photo to make it larger)
We walked the one lane roads of mud, the rocky beach and the sandy beach to find our picnic spot.
And we chose a shady cave that had fresh roo prints - they too appreciate some shade and comfort!
The little cave was a perfect spot - but I guess if we wanted it again we would need to take advantage of the very low tide today.
The three of us enjoyed our little island jaunt - and then headed over to Rat Island to see what we could see. The water is amazing and clear - and little fish everywhere. Just non stop looking and being enthralled. Another thing... just like listening to the song "Amazing Grace" (or for me "My Immortal - Evanescence can do the same thing).. that can make me teary and get a lump in my throat. It has NOTHING to do with religion.. it's an appreciation of beauty.

(OK - that appears to have come from nowhere but... my friend Tom challenged me in an email that perhaps I was religious because the damn song makes me cry - because I do sometimes display a distaste for religion and also my beautiful, caring, amazing friend Hope indicated I was rude and dismissive of her beliefs.. and I probably should discuss these issues but in the selfish light of the glow of my holiday - couldn't do it now. For the latter I am truly sorry - I really always believed I was too smart/clever/compassionate to allow anyone to feel that. I DO value other peoples beliefs and respect them. I simply don't share them.)
The water gives me endless pleasure. The seabirds. The resourcefulness of the critters. MOTH's willingness to take me where I want to go and so tolerant of my refusal to go when he asks me too and then accept my demand to be taken out. The ability to waste an entire afternoon with barely any conversation.
So - the holiday is over. And I did nothing but stroll through the sales, giggle with friends, eat, watch the garden and the critters, play with dogs, lay on the beds with magazines and books (I didn't finish reading any of them) cook, attend the dentist, the optometrist and the hairdresser and be indulgent at all three, arrange photos of my daughters and have whimsical dreams about their futures.

And tomorrow I get to sing and dance with two year olds, receive and give cuddles and make lots of mess and noise. I am 40 years old in July. It is about time I regained the ambitious me..... It is just she is so hopelessly distant from me. I just think.. play with the kids all week - have to pick up Anna, Shawn and Jane on Saturday - and Sunday.... go play! I just spent most of my savings in ten days. Without any major purchases. Just services and repairs.

Yet I feel ridiculously happy. Guiltily so. Oh well - there are Tim-tams hidden in the fridge. I am off.

The OTHER secret

2008-03-28T17:56:00.004+10:00

Because I have a damn big mouth when it comes to secrets (I cant even be trusted to buy presents for any occasion more than the day before - ask anyone who knows me... it is true - I have given my kids bikes a month before their birthday/Christmas just because I cannot keep a secret like that).... I was just damned lucky Anna had her big/little drama last week with Shawn.

To my beautiful Anna... anything that affects her is at least as big as Chernobyl.. she is however MARVELLOUSLY my daughter.

The REAL SECRET WAS.... (INSERT DRUM ROLL HERE) SARA IS PREGNANT!

Yep - my calculations have the due date as 7th November. I get to be a Nanny again - and this time I am not 33 years old with a 9, 8 and 7 year old of my own! This time she is with a man who loves her. A man who works. A man who has been a wonderful stepfather of 2+ years. (Gawd when I write it we so look trashy? Oh -- buggar we are!)

I chose this photo only because it is the only one that seems to give a tiny paunch to Sara's tummy. It was taken last November. I have my hand on Sara's shoulder.. MOTH next to me, Sara's Aunt (beloved family member to all of us) Lola, my other daughter's Jane holding the lollipop and Anna trying to stand far away from us.. My son William the slightly taller one than my grandson Jay holding the plastic bat. The second last day we were all together actually. We are at Jay's school after attending his concert. He wore black tights and danced to "shake your tail feather".

Anyway - it was a fortnight of worry and sleepless nights. Sara seemed excited in her initial call to me and I reacted overly happy. She then had to fret that I would.. judge? or condone her actions because she was frightened the timing was so wrong. She and her partner have been taking actions to save money and enable a future without to many worries - and a baby now is simply bad timing. I had to try carefully backtrack my happiness and excitement and let her know no matter what she decided was ok with me. And of course it is and was and always will be.

I normally communicate frequently with my daughters but this got to the stage where I was fretting she would think I was stalking her. I just felt her pain, confusion and fear so much! That is the shitty thing about being a parent! That never seems to stop!

I was really pleased though that Sara had told me it was a secret... and I rang her sister Anna later... and Anna knew I knew and we both giggled that Sara had been so funny as to tell both of us a secret. As if we keep that stuff? We had to keep it from Jane though - because had Sara chosen to not go through with it we knew Jane... wouldn't deal with that well. I couldn't tell loads of people I wanted to because I had to chose which people would .. understand the considerations. For me it was gorgeous that Anna and I cant keep secrets from each other.

Seventeen years of having someone around... oh you miss them when they are gone. We have been texting each other with our plans for bubs birth. We should probably consult Sara about them at some stage.

I am going to take Jay to the zoo again and probably the theme park thing.. so he doesn't think his sibling is getting all the attention. Anna and I will stay in a nearby motel and be horrid baby stalker type relatives. I wont have a day off work till the event so that I have plenty of days to sniff baby and dress baby and feed mother.

How exciting!

Sara had to think through so much... Poor girl. Thank dog that is over!

The secret

2008-03-21T21:41:00.002+10:00

I am allowed to tell now.

My daughter Anna has a new boyfriend. He is of Torres Strait Island origin. He thrills her, delights her and makes her feel like life is wonderful.

Anna's father cant know this ... because he suffers from the infliction commonly known as racism. Anna's father was away this weekend and so Shawn was introduced to Anna's uncle Paul who doesnt suffer from such dreadful inflictions.

Anna is beside herself with her lovely new boyfriend.

It is still a secret. I am doubtful sperm donor can use the internet. I am rather doubtful he is ever going to understand his beautiful children or be able to share their happiness.

Ten days off work

2008-03-21T16:35:00.002+10:00

Today was the first of my ten days off work. I have taken four days off next week and that gives me ten important days.

I wrote myself a list of what I want to do. Here it is.

Ten Days of No work. Goals and Desires.

1) Complete 8 modules Cert lll

2) Clean house

Including: Anna’s room Our room Kitchen (including cupboards)

General stuff Verandah

3) Sort out superannuation

4) Paint trims and doors

5) Personal shopping

Including: Me – Underwear, makeup, visit optometrist, casual wear, dentist?

Moth – shorts, socks William – black shorts, soccer boots?

House – curtains living room, towels, tea towels & a bin the dogs cant get in

6) Get cv joints fixed on hyundai

Including: Check on price for fixing paintwork – damage to door

New front tyres?

Price for airconditioning fixed

7) Clean cars

8) Play and relax in the garden with the dogs

9) Do the online first aid course for work

10) Write to my friends

11) Cook fantastic meals for family

12) Take walks along the beach

13) Go to RTA and get boat license

14) Really learn how to drive the boat

15) Eat mud crabs, drink wine and share rubbish stories with friends.

16) Not be dog tired and stupid at trivia

I made a dent on No 2 and attended to a little of No 8.

MOTH just came home with five mudcrabs. So we are about to head out and work on No 15!

Magnificent start actually!

I have a secret

2008-03-16T22:28:00.001+10:00

And I am not allowed to tell. The wonderful thing is that my daughter's are as pathetic at secrets as I am.

I also have some wonderful friends.

Sunday Capricorn Caves driving

2008-03-09T18:17:00.009+10:00

Anna was distressed on Thursday night that she wasn't getting enough driving lessons in to full fill her requirements by May - when she will be eligible for her license if she has the 60 hours driving time finished. She wanted us to pick her up and bring her home... her driving home and visit down here. Her father (MOTH is stepfather who just raised* them since 1995 until 24th December 2007 when she went to live with father)got very annoyed with Anna wanting to visit us and this meant Friday morning Anna was once again crying on the telephone to me because that plan had to be cancelled. So MOTH said... we will drive up to Rockhampton (103kms north) Sunday and take her for a driving lesson and make a day of it.

MOTH is pretty pathetic when either of us cry. Nice really. Of course he would of preferred go play in his boat.

Anyway, we picked up the girls. (William went to a mates farm for the day - his own choice... the father actually isn't... very interesting for the kids I suspect/know)

We went out to Capricorn Caves.

We were told to go on a bushwalk - which we did. However we must of taken a wrong turn or something. It was very short.

The resident roo was pretty nonplussed to see us.

The entrance to the caves... the cave collapsed thousands of years ago... and our guide was very young but still interesting and informative.

The cathedral was lovely - they played Amazing Grace and turned off the lights into the blackness... just lovely. (I always get teary at Amazing Grace - always! and Anna told me she does too.... I wonder if that is just her and me?)

We took the photos and admired the little chapel that sometimes has weddings and carols at Christmas time.

Sometimes cameras are too truthful.... the crazy grimaces and red eyes?

Anna drove from the Caves to Yeppoon.. with a detour for a fisho...who offered incredibly cheap prices. On investigation it was pretty much all frozen stuff... that is why it was so cheap. At Yeppoon we lunched in the park, walked along the shops and visited some. We purchased a new shirt for MOTH for next weekend when we have an engagement party to attend. The beach was very windy.

Anna really needs more consistent driving lessons. Since moving to her fathers she has only entered two entries into her logbook. She needs that at least every week. I will look into professional driving lessons and ... I think I would like to go see the girls again next weekend too. Anna isn't sure if they can come home (to me I mean) at Easter because the father gets so cranky about it.

I had planned to go to Tweed Heads over Easter... but I don't feel very rich. But I also know a few days playing with my friend.. would do me good. Decisions! I have taken the week after Easter off work but I need to spend that studying this bloody course, painting the house and gardening. I need them for me.

I miss my girls already. MOTH was a little grumpy today (despite the Mr Happy t-shirt) I think it was just that he didn't really want to be there ... he wanted to do his own thing and it DOES suck when you have to do something just because you open your big mouth in a moment of pity.

Oh - and I dinged the Hyundai yesterday. I drove into a shopping trolley bay. Dinged the passenger side .. pretty bad. I picked up a girlfriends daughter from work... parked in a ... hmmm no it wasn't the spot it was me. I just made a mistake and ... put a very big ding on the car. I annoyed MOTH because I want the ding fixed, I think the CV joints are about to go (click click click when I turn left) and I want the airconditioning fixed. He wants to drive the car to the wreckers and get another. We paid $2000 for it three years ago and he feels.. it has done its bit. I feel - I like the way it drives. So we are going to argue about it. He feels the Hyundai is trash just because it is a Hyundai. I don't care.. as long as it is neat and tidy and drives nice. I like it when the airconditioning works.

I was going to tell Anna I did it for her... so she wouldn't feel so nervous. I forgot to - and just let her laugh at me for it. I just really badly messed up the angle I was driving out ....My girlfriends daughter will probably never accept a lift from me again. Don't really blame her!

*Raised - meaning provided food, shelter, clothing, dealt with vomiting during the night, toilet training incidents, taught to ride a bike, taxiied, attended school and social functions, taught how to work.... the list gets pretty endless. We did have father contribute $10 a fortnight for about four of those years.

Sara and the lobster.... first fiji report...

2008-03-07T22:12:00.004+10:00

She obviously forgot her sunblock? I wonder if she is intentionally showing us how she decided to look like the crustacean?

Here is her first report from home.

Hi! Here are some pic's of us in Fiji... Only got home today and have been up since 3am... We have so many pictures and video to go through! My favourite thing was probably snorkelling for the first time... All the tropical fish, sea slugs, snakes and coral... I'm heading to the Great Barrier Reef next, i've found a new obsession (hobby). Will send more when i find the good ones! Sara

Good. I live near the Great Barrier Reef. She can come snorkeling with Mummy. (Mummy spells snorkeling correctly)

We have been discussing this week how we need a bigger boat to go to Great Keppel etc. I need her and her younger sister to get their boat licenses too.

Wasting worries is not a good pasttime

2008-03-07T22:02:00.002+10:00

Seems MOTH is only missing a weeks proper wages - and workers compensation came through so very quickly. At first his boss told him that they didn't have any light duties...but MOTH drives his coworkers to and from work because they don't have licenses at the moment. His boss .... suddenly has found MOTH light duties.

I - being me of course - had drawn up three spreadsheet budgets; one for one income over four/five weeks and another for my income plus my guestimate of workers compensation and another for .. I am not really sure why but I was worrying about 2 months or more.

In reality I think we lost less than $400 for this injury of MOTH's. I wasted a heap of worries again. I could bloody well need them one day you know.

Got my boat license...

2008-03-03T21:25:00.002+10:00

Well.. as long as I remember to bloody go and get it from the transport department this time.

I really like their boat.

The new propeller

2008-03-01T20:46:00.002+10:00

Our boat propeller was damaged maybe almost a year ago. And MOTH laments often to me that he needs to get it fixed. But we never have time. The full time working etc.. you just never have time.

But he broke his hand and has time. And we kinda have money - although that wont last for long because he will be on workers compensation until his hand heals....so off he went to buy the new propeller.

And he cursed and cursed in our driveway because he couldn't fit it. I asked him to call some of his mates to see if they could help - I knew I would only get cranky with it - I really hate that mechanical stuff.. hold this turn that stuff. The jockey wheel fell off the boat trailer months ago .. so it would of all been hard and frustrating for him.

I am not very good at the cut up his food, remember he cant open stuff thing. He isn't very good at asking me to help. I have reminded him plenty of when I broke my arm twice and couldn't cope with hanging out washing etc....

He fought with the propeller with his mate that Anna (daughter number 2) and I call "FSC" behind his back. "FSC" is an acronym for three common swear words. I dyed my friends hair and she dyed mine and I pottered around the house .. did grocery shopping and generally acted as if our family isn't in crisis.........

MOTH came home confused I hadn't rang him and said where are you. I heard him swearing in the driveway before he left. I decided... I was better off amusing myself. My friend with the hair dye... can sometimes be a little mean to me.. but today she was not. The only possible mean thing she said was when she asked if MOTH's accident was a result of his smoking stuff...

I cant say I don't wonder that myself. Cant say I would be able to or willing to change anything if it was. There are sometimes simply variables you cant change. I also know I don't want to change him. I kinda like him just the way he is. I wish I wouldn't fret he would get sensible and leave me for a woman who will have his children and will... oh I dunno... hold the boat propeller or something like that.

MOTH bought the wrong propeller. It took him and FSC five hours to figure that out.

I looked at our superannuation and realised we have to contribute at least $50 more a week even given MOTH is younger than me to have just the basics to live at retirement.

Sara goes to Fiji!

2008-03-01T20:39:00.002+10:00

How exciting is that? My oldest daughter and grandson are in Fiji right now! Sara was a little worried about the 5.30 am start (she is after all - her mother's daughter and we dont do mornings very well)... BUT oh!

I KNOW they are having fun. I know it will be just beautiful. I am slightly jealous but more proud that they are having a wonderful time.....she promised to send heaps of pictures. She better!

Repeating...

2008-03-01T19:57:00.002+10:00

About four years ago MOTH and I did the recreational boat license course with this mob. It was a really fun day - and although there was a test and there was a lot of information to absorb - I remember laughing and enjoying the games and the prizes and oh boy did we love driving their boat....

Anyway - at the end of the day you get the bit of paper to take to the Department of transport to get your recreational boat license. You have six months to do that in.

And I NEVER TOOK IT IN. I just forgot. Or I would remember and I would think.. next week. Until... the date expired. Time just goes so damn quickly. MOTH got his - he fronted up at the office of transport and had it sorted out. Mine sat in a drawer. Actually by the time I found it I could barely READ the date but knew it had expired.

So tomorrow I am repeating recreational boat license. With a colleague from work and her husband who have just purchased a boat.

I have no desire to drive our boat. I just know I need this license to get the other marine licenses that I will want one day. I like being the passenger. But what timing! I organised this before MOTH breaks his hand. (Well I said to the woman I like at work - put my name down too and pick me up - that is very similar to organising)

But next social day out at Awoonga playing on the ski tube and looking at the waterbirds.. I am drinking - not driving. My license will have to be a secret.

Uh-oh

2008-02-28T22:42:00.003+10:00

Moth broke his hand today. Using a drill? to do.. something? it umm... jumped? and his hand broke. (I so should listen better!) I did listen (sorta) and fuss and get him drinks and dinner and help him feed the dogs (oh ok so I called William to do that)...

He came to my work just as I was busy with a two year old to get my car and he said as he walked out... that he was off to the hospital to get his hand x-rayed but I was concentrating on making sure this child was comfortable.. and didn't actually hear that bit until he had driven away. That is when I thought.. crap I probably should of offered to drive him to the hospital.

I got home to a house with NO ONE. And so I lay on my bed and read the last half of a book I kinda pinched from work (a parent gave it to another carer saying it was very good... my coworker/boss/friend nicked it and I quickly nicked it from her) The dogs laid with me and when the book was finished I napped with them... waking at 8pm to realise MOTH was still not home.

Youch. Neglectful lover. It was indeed broken.. in two places and he had spent four hours at the hospital alone.

I found him on the telephone on his way home via a more sympathetic friends house..... and somehow still managed to say "the wine is in the boot of my car will you bloody hurry"....

He arrived home with the doctors notes, his workers compensation forms and keys in his mouth and the wine in his left hand with a jolly great big cast on his right hand. Crikeys.. he really did hurt himself.

We went to trivia last night. I was going to cancel. See - I love trivia but the woman I work with and I have big mouths and we brag to everyone that we won that one time.... and a couple of other workers decided to come too. And one of them.. I get a little annoyed at work with. But you cant say... "No - you cant come because you annoy me" - that is simply too mean. But I didn't want to go. Yep - that much of a bitch I was gunna not go just so I didn't have to socialize with that person... My usual coworker seems to understand I am a bitch and convinced me to go...

I was completely wrong we all had a ball as usual. MOTH loves female company and he had a great time. We drank a couple of bottles of wine... and we had a few before we left too... and the meals are wonderful value ($11 for reef and beef t-bone with chips and salad and we have NEVER finished it all) The wine shouldn't of affected me so .. quickly... however when I woke this morning from the first proper sleep I have had in weeks... fully clothed in what I was wearing the night before I realised that I had.. blanks. I don't remember anything that happened after the motor car round. I couldn't remember coming home. I didn't wake with the awful feeling I had done something dreadful but I still didn't like having NOTHING..... I didn't know whether we had won or lost (we lost and came third apparently) I didn't remember being driven home... so I rang MOTH. He told me he felt like crap and was sick and couldn't remember anything about getting home but that he liked one of my workmates because she giggled a lot.

That is not good. Both MOTH and I were apparently legless drunk and cannot bloody remember anything past 10.30 at night. I wasn't sick - I just didn't like having this giant blank...... And I was hoping he could fill in the blank bits. My workmate filled in a few for me. I was obnoxious when she fiddled with my cigarettes and when my giggling colleague said she was going home I forced her to drive us home. I noticed this afternoon my cigarettes are all over the gutter and sidewalk.

Definitely not how the evening SHOULD of gone. The first thing I asked MOTH about was if he was hungover when his accident occured. He said no. I hope he was telling me the truth.

William told me this morning that we left the lights and tv on and he had to get up and turn them off. Poor little thing!

Oh - and Rocky the wonderdog keeps turning up at my work. Looks like MOTH has time to figure out how he escapes now. Except Rocky doesnt bother escape if he has someone home with him. The kids at work all can recite the story of the "very unhelpful dog Rocky who doesnt use his listening ears and stay home" and its really hard for Rocky who knows I am cranky with him but ten little people usually covered in yogurt and other deliciousness are so pleased to see him.

I ask the kids why they are peering threw the fence or window and they tell me.. "I am looking for unhelpful Rocky!"

Great. Just Great.

Karma got me - it always does

2008-02-25T19:49:00.003+10:00

See that big bump on my forehead? I did that too myself. Fifteen minutes before knockoff time in front of parents, 30 children and three of my workmates I stood up from talking to a child spun around and slammed my head into a pole. The whole pole vibrated. Everybody laughed. (Except one little girl from my room actually who will be receiving a very nice reward this week for being nice)

Yes, my nose is that big. No - my nose is not crooked it is just the damn photo.

Yes - it hurt. Yes - I felt like crying. No - I didn't cry in public - I went elsewhere to cry.

Its odd though. When I work with the women I like - work is more like play. I do get tired but it is a pleasant tired. When I work with some people.. I feel like I have been picking potatoes and dragging 30 kilo sacks in the hot sun all day. And I have never actually done that. Yet.

I have to stop feeling such horrid things about the workmates who don't deserve it. I KNOW they have huge problems. I KNOW they suffer things I cant even imagine properly. But I still get wild as hell when I feel I have to do my job and theirs because they have some strange agenda.

Overtired and feeling like my back was breaking.. I clunked my head on a bloody pole that has been in the same place for the past 9 months I have worked there and know it is there. And I wanted to cry like a child over it.

Silly really - I have never needed a man to bash me - I am quite capable of doing that for myself.

I am very lucky MOTH doesn't laugh and does be nice to me when I am being petty and horrid.

Quick blog about blogs

2008-02-24T22:15:00.003+10:00

The really wonderful thing about blogs and blogging - is the people you find and UNDERSTAND and love the stories and the connection that you find. I feel disappointment when I check some blogs and there is nothing new. I feel like I have been a bad friend (I don't know 99% of these people in real life!) when I check their blogs to find they have posted 174 new posts and I have to read throughout my entire lunch hour just to catch up!

PICTURES of ice on plants, funnies relating to other side of the world, recipes and travel stories....

It saves me a fortune too - I no longer need to read every magazine I see in the supermarket aisle.

No more whirling - back to the baby steps

2008-02-24T21:23:00.002+10:00

Thanks for the comments. Such a mismatch of feelings and nothing making too much sense but ... the comments made me feel a little better.

I shed tears again when I read Joy's blog but at least the sobs and choking feeling in the throat are gone. Her writing was way more elegant than mine but suffice to say she has always been better at the sane thing than I have.

And in comments! Carrie! Whom I love and who listened and made me laugh through a million baby steps with me and who I rarely catch up with anymore! See - life can be so wonderful - friendships may not be as intense as once... but they just live for so long!

Life is just so lucky and wonderful with friends.

I was able to walk with MOTH and my son William and admire the full moon.

I quit my second job. I did it mostly in temper but in hindsight I am glad I did. Even though it was just cleaning the childcare centre I work at I liked making sure it was lovely and clean. I knew where "accidents" had occurred and which toys had been in mouths etc.

The truth of why I quit lays somewhere between - I am an impossible bitch who likes things my own way to my coworker is neurotic and unstable. But either way - there is a stupid rule that we had to clean together and this.. inevitably led to my frustration. I am not afraid of being raped and murdered at a childcare centre after hours. My colleague finds my flippant attitude to being alone at the centre a real issue worthy of threatening me with the boss every time I forget to tell her I am going to the garbage bins or outside to have a cigarette etc.

I would of liked to clean for an hour... go home cook dinner and go back and do the other hour. My colleague would try to make me understand how she thought and I found it erratic. I know the crucial part to her thinking was what do the people in the top centre think - she thinks as long as they know we are there (even if we are drinking coffee and talking) that is fine...so she would want to stay until they left. I didn't give a rats arse what they think - if I cleaned the centre at 3 am that is none of their business.. but I guess the language and cultural barrier... and I have got a family and dogs that I would prefer be with...

Anyway it is best that I just quit it - 6 hours a week at $20 an hour isn't worth my sanity and the possibility my working relationship with this woman would hit a low... lower than even I can do... No matter how much I liked making sure the rooms were lovely and clean for the children.

My stress at my colleague was becoming so terribly high and it was scaring me that I could feel so upset at a person. Her like of washing up in cold water distressed me. Her use of loads of water and suds when mopping the floors distressed me. She will tell me the bathroom is clean when the skirting boards are visibly disgusting and there is POO IN THE LOO! She retreats when I decide to do it again and just spends the time in her own room and then I feel... like a mini tornado.

It was affecting how I work with this woman too because incidents during our day where she would be upset at another coworker ... could of impaired my judgement because I ended up feeling defensive about the other coworker and argumentative about her decisions.

I could have to do it for another week or so - I don't know how much notice I was meant to give. Guess I will find that out tomorrow. Babysteps and bite tongue! I do know the routine! I seem to forget too that when I took on the cleaning I did it for the reason of making sure it was clean. I can make sure my own room is clean during my working day.

And if it is not - I can blame the cleaners! Too easy!

The world is like an apple whirling silently in space...

2008-02-20T21:53:00.002+10:00

I am a little bit behind and confused at the moment. So many different hurts around me.. and sometimes I dont seem to cope very well with them. Time is my enemy - but I am my real worst enemy. I waste emotions and waste time...
I knew I was feeling.. somewhat sad this week and decided to take a sick day.
Very late last night I checked my msn email (which I almost never bother with) and learnt a friend had lost her son in a tragic... well accident is the wrong word. An accident is an unforseen event. It isnt an accident that if you drive under the influence of prescription drugs you can cause something horrible. My friend was not a close friend - but someone I love anyway.
I keep thinking of her beautiful boys and that... that one is gone and its.. so dog gone awful. I cant imagine her pain but I cant help shedding tears when I think of how... awful it would be for her.
I have to complete a course for work - it is a job requirment and my trainer was meant to be there on Monday to observe my performance. She didnt turn up. I did receive a note today that apologised and that the floods were the reason. I am completely unaware of floods between where the trainer is and where I am.
It is my little princesses birthday today. And last night she just cried on the phone to me and spoke about her life. She wasnt very kind to her friends in our conversation and she didnt once think to ask how I am.
A calamity of errors meant I didnt attend trivia tonight. I am pleased my friends did lose - it means I can pretend I am smart for another week.
I am very grateful that I have really wonderful friends and amazing people to love.
I just feel a little.. crowded? One of my friends has a marvellous sense of humour that makes me roar....she can delight me in many ways.
I am so glad I found blogs.
I think my Mama is being treated cruelly and I am scared at how to react.
I have a dozen people I am meant to contact and haven't.
I just feel rather lost...

What kind of flower are you?

2008-02-12T22:11:00.000+10:00

Trust me to be the poor man's orchid! Sheesh!

I am a
Canna

What Flower
Are You?

My day

2008-02-04T21:59:00.000+10:00

This photo was taken at 5.30 this afternoon - my knock off time. Ten new almost 2 year olds. (Click to enlarge)

Here I go again! All of them looked kinda shocked when I sat them on the toilet. Not one understood the concept of no feet on the table when we are eating. A few dont understand even the simplest directive. Sitting on the mat seemed a puzzle. Some showed interest in learning. A couple are deliciously cute.

They all like cuddles and books. We are going to get on just fine.

But... man am I tired.

The weekends go too damn fast

2008-02-03T23:44:00.000+10:00

MOTH caught crabs today. It was hideously hot and humid. I worried for a while that he wanted me to go with him - but luckily he found someone willing to go with him.
I do like fishing and being on the boat. But not in mad heat. Not in weather that can change at a second. I dont want to be rained on.
I wanted to go to the nursery but I never got there. I wanted to do some homework for the course I have to complete - but I never got there either. I did tidy house and do laundry - but not to vacuum or mop floors. I guess they will wait.
I rested and I cooked. I made chicken and vegetable soup and I tended my garden. Meg and the kids visited and William bought us meagre nibblies - I was not in the mood for catering. I think I agreed to catering for a seafood night Tuesday. I am just tired and cantankerous.
I will blame the bubbly wine a lovely parent gave my co-worker and myself on Friday. The gift was quite lovely - I guess that mum doesnt know how much pleasure her son gave me this past 7 months. But geeze it was nice to be given the gift and the lovely card....
I get to drink my co-workers wine sometime soon. She doesnt drink white wine - only red. And I am quite happy to swap!
The irony is in the fact that the gift was from the mother of .. one of my really smart beautiful children who is cared for beautifully. None of the more difficult parents or ... those who feel it is my job to bend over backwards - show such regard.
The careless mother who forgets her childs lunches; the mother who complains she collected the child with a dirty nappy (I am not in control of the children's bowel movements no matter how much I love my job) and not even the mother who delivers her child at nap time and completely stuffs up our routine? Nope - The woman who works full time and shows incredible regard, love and education for her beautiful child... takes the time to buy two bottles of wine and write two lovely cards. The woman whose child has provided me with tears and laughter and incredible pride. That child can name every colour, shape and animal. Recite the books verbatim...make me roar laughing if I get something wrong and the child gets frustrated with my stupidity. That child - has made my life so much more wonderful.
When I think about it like that - I have nothing to whinge about.

The betrayal of confidence...

2008-02-03T22:08:00.000+10:00

I mentioned in my last post that I had sent an email forwarded from my oldest daughter Sara that my youngest daughter Jane had sent her. It was a very uplifting letter - full of dreams of life and desires and ambitions fit for any young achiever.

As I also mentioned - I foolishly forwarded it to middle daughter Anna without being aware that she and Jane were at an internet cafe and that Jane had full knowledge of our... betrayal of confidence.

The reasons for our.. bafflement? wonder? amazement and perhaps concern about the letter are many.

Here is Jane's letter to her big sister.

Hey Sara!!

awww he is sooo cute!!!
Well i have
decide not to live in sydney anymore well not for a while any
way!!
when i finish grade 12 im going to schoolies then im going to
live in Gatton(thats where Tonia and Gary Live) because i want to be a wildlife
officer or something like that who works with like panda bears and stuff!! and
Gatton has the 3 best course...people all over the world come there just to do
that course..... but before i start there me and garry are traveling the
world YAH:) so yea i hope that works out! and while im studying at uni im gonna
work in child care as a part time job or something cause at the moment im am
doing certificate 3 in early childhood studies!!

i hoping to save
30 grand in 2 years....thats gonna be heaps hard but i gotta try lol.....because
formal, schoolies, car, Around the world and my new apartment and funiture and
uni course will be coming up in 2 years!!

i like my new
school alot and i told mum that and shes mad at me but nothing new there!! its
really hot here ...i wish i was in sydney though its cold there and i love
sydney!! its flodding here at the monet aswell but its not getting any hgiger i
dont think...its just around the river....we are about 50 meters away from it so
we were lucky!!

im looking for a job at the moment but i havnt put
my resume much place..only sizzlers and Sanity!!
im at the
bowling centre at the moment because its the only way we can use the internet at
the moment but it cost 7 dollars for an hour so i wont reply for a while
sorry :( well best be off then!! Cya :)
love you
say
hi to judy, Jay, Chris and judys kids...i think its david i cant
rem,ber the other gals name lol:(

welll bye!!
It is a lovely letter - albiet full of dreadful mistakes.... and she sounds so cheerful and looking forward to the future.... BUT....
Well - I had to drag Jane out of bed every day for school. Weekends and holidays she is lucky to even be dressed before 1pm. Her past jobs - I have to yell at her to just get her there 5 minutes LATE. Her apathy would make me fret to utter distraction... Jane always thinks large amounts of money spent on things such as her music lessons or gym or.. whatever would make her happy. And yet no matter how often I would try to give her something she has said she wants - she would always ALWAYS just put it aside and/or discard it. I know the girls printed out about 20 resumes in application for jobs for Jane. I was with the girls when Jane handed in hers at Sizzlers. I saw the envelopes all with prospective employers names on the front.
Their first day at school I rang to see how they went and got Jane on the phone. The conversation went like this:-
"How was your first day at school?"
"It was wonderful - I learnt more today than I did the entire time I was at Toolooa!" gushed Jane.
"Right, goodnight Jane.. talk to you later..." and I hung up.
I wasn't mad that she had a nice time at school - I was mad at the stupid statement ...I just didn't feel able to cop such bullshit.Anna rang back to tell me how her day went - but I did go to work that evening after my day off... and William and MOTH simply forgot to tell me Anna wanted to talk too.
Jane is mad at Me. And it isnt logical - but it is just the way it is. It is my fault she is over weight - I wont pay for the gym and drive her to swimming. It is my fault she doesn't have nice clothes - because within days of purchasing them they mysteriously dont fit her. Or clothes are disposable wear once only items. Something like that. It is my fault she got caught shoplifting because I wouldn't provide for her. (She was mostly stealing baby items) I wouldn't of bought her foundation - I admit that - because her skin is PERFECT. It is my fault she isnt a brilliant musician - I wouldn't pay for the lessons. I cant get this girl to get out of damn bed in the morning but had I provided these magical beans she would of been better off. In the past I have wasted money paying for drama classes etc that she GOT KICKED OUT OF FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR... and you dont get refunds. I dont have to do that kind of effort - the cajoling, nagging, bribing and screaming like a mad woman to get her siblings to attend their chosen.. things. I just have to make sure I have organised paying for the chosen thing, find a way for them to get there and turn up sometimes when I am meant to. Make sure their stuff is clean etc... Will and Anna just always make things easier on me....
I hope Sara wasn't REALLY MAD at me when she rang to berate me for showing them that she forwarded the email. I actually didn't realise I was dobbing her in because Anna is normally excellent at discretion. I really wasn't aware Jane was sitting beside Anna as I forwarded the email. I was terribly flippant - because I was just enjoying listening to Sara's voice for a minute or so.
But I found it .. amusing? that Jane took the betrayal hard. Because she has always been so brilliant at betraying her sisters (and my) confidence... it seems ironic that she should be able to make her sisters feel bad for betraying hers.
I am enormously worried that Jane seems to equate her happiness with money or .. fantasies about things that.. just aren't going to make her happy or be viable. She choses relationships with people that can't be good for her ... and her loyalty to those people becomes a defiance to me... There are times I wonder if I should pretend those relationships are fantastic so she can ditch them....
I love that girl. I just wish she could make things easier on herself.

Mud in your eye?

2008-02-02T22:34:00.000+10:00

I have a sty under my eye. A very large pimple like thing... under my eye. I knew it was coming ... but it is annoying now. I could have the flu coming but I am combating that with mad healthy eating and resting.

The sty - almost came in very handy. At work we were told we had to attend a staff meeting.. and suddenly the sty was a stroke of luck. I lamented to all staff I had contact with that I had a terribly sty under my eye that was causing me a dreadful headache. It was actually just annoying me and making me look rediculously ugly...
Almost handy - because the staff meeting was cancelled. Thank dog. Why we have to have them out of hours when we are not paid is beyond me.
I adopted a somewhat dramatic - oh dear - my eye... stance just so I had an excuse on why I didnt attend. I wonder if I could FAKE a sty next time?
I am rundown. That is why I get the silly stys. I know that. I was somewhat surprised when my mother told me... "Of course your run down - you dont like change and that makes you rundown." Oh. Just a rediculous ... "oh".

It is odd with my girls not being here. (Especially Anna - Jane has been at boarding school for sometime before the past 8 months so I am used to just the teenage girl turmoltuos stuff at school holiday time)
The clean bedrooms (not including William's "tornado look" which I am sure is all the rage... somewhere) and less work - still seem somewhat confronting to me. I get confused in the laundry when there is none. I dont seem to remember to cook for just three people. (The dogs are not unhappy with this part of the scenerio) We all stare at the telephone when it rings and wait for one of the girls to answer it... and we all look surprised when the telephone rings out.
"Maybe we should of answered that?" and we all look at each other accusingly. "Nah!" we all decide. Normally the girls would push us over to answer the telephone.

Monday we get all new kids at work. 21 brand new almost two year olds. The odd part is.. I didnt like accepting the children I have had for this past eight months.. are moving up. I know most of them are ready and just so eager and willing to learn different things. I am just that selfish.. that I didnt want to and dont want to let them go. I like waking up looking forward to playing with them. I like their laughter, their tantrums and their ability to learn. Hunting for lizards, spiders, frogs and bugs. Stick insects stuck on our clothing - and vying to be the one who has the bug on us? Touching jelly, dough, spaghetti and paint. Roaring laughing at hot and cold play... hiding behind my back as I call them and mock that I have lost them and then screaming when they jump into my view...
These new 21 kids have awful big shoes to fill. Well - awful small shoes really. (three of the 21 I have had for a couple of months and I know they are amazing so that is a plus)
I really worry... what if I dont like these kids like I loved the last batch? I worry that the two batches I have had... where simply amazing due to luck.. and soon horrid kids will come and that could make me love the job less... worse make me... soured at it? Oh dog let these kids be as wonderful as the last ones.
Let them be funny, and compassionate and caring and like to see nature. Let them be angry and sick and tired and FEEL so freely and let them let me be part of their days. Their little hands around mine and tears on my neck. The triumph when they get colours, shapes and animal names correct - let me feel that too. The understanding when we agreed shades of blue/purple/pink etc could be too close for just one guess.
I hope the new kids will be good at the hokey pokey. I hope they will all complain to me when I get it wrong. I hope they will be fussy about the jocks or knickers they have to wear. I hope they will all copy me when I say "oh dear oh dear" and I hope they will all say "he/she is being UNHELPFUL".... when whoever said that is probably being damn unhelpful themselves.
I hope their next room carers.. love them as much as I love them. And I hope I dont miss them too much.
My daughter Jane sent a very uplifting positive email to her sister today. Sara forwarded it to me in confidence and I mistakenly showed it to her other sister Anna... not calculating the fact that Anna and Jane were at a net cafe using the internet... and therefore I betrayed the confidences. Of course Jane would be completely oblivious that she betrays Anna's confidences all the time - often with pure spite....like the time she ran to tell me Anna had had sexual relations...or telling her father that Anna likes to party and drink alcohol with her friends....
Poor Sara of course felt dreadful that Jane found her accidental betrayal? and telephoned me to berate me for it. I am getting so awful I just find it so nice to hear my daughters voices that I dont mind being introuble.
William signed on again for soccer today. I paid the fees - bought new socks etc... and we went to lunch at the chinese restuarant together. I was surprised to find Will and I have never "had lunch" before. Not just the two of us. Other than at home or feeding the ducks at the park etc. His manners where lovely and I was really pleased. He commented that I only "had lunch" with his sisters. And that is really silly of me.. because he is a lovely lunch companion.

First day at school

2008-01-30T21:48:00.000+10:00

My son started High School this week. He is so tiny - and it feels like it was just a blink ago he was so little.

I took his first day off work so that I could support him. A little after 7 am his best friend rang and asked Will if he wanted to go with him. And I couldn't say no - who would you rather be with on your first day of school your best mate or your mother? And William's best mate is a wonderful kid and his mother is a lovely woman.

I felt pretty useless and silly though. Sitting there. Showered and dressed. Useless.

I took some forms to work and.. they indicated I was meant to be enjoying my day off work - so I went home. And watched lifestyle cooking until I felt like I was starving. Alone. I rang Meg to see if she wanted me to cook lunch but just my luck - her husband is home this week. I rang MOTH to see if he could have lunch with me too.. but I missed the time by a few minutes and it was too late.

I didnt do any of the work I should of done. I just sat alone. I felt guilty for this.

William claims his first day was wonderful. But everytime I look at his face I worry.

Soccer sign on Saturday.

Loving my kids is the easy part... living it is the hard part.

Australia Day weekend 2008

2008-01-28T22:39:00.000+10:00

Saturday I drove to Rockhampton to be with my girls. They were quite over their... distraught evening of the other night. Odd how I frown and appear nervous as my youngest daughter kisses me.

Makes me wonder what faces I was pulling in Juvenile Court. We went to Sizzlers and gorged ourselves stupid.

Although I understand and completely accept it is time for my girls to move on - I absolutely loved having a few moments with them again.

The Fitzroy River is due to flood this week and we walked the banks to examine the differences.

The father of my three younger children bought Anna this little Barina... 2001? model for $7000.. and my little princess... horrified him with her driving.. and now she isn't allowed to drive it. Now of course .. sperm donor shouts at her... "You drive like your mother!" (OOPS)

....and I forgot - many years ago he and I had arguments about how you drive a manual car and I HATED him driving my cars...I had to sell a dear little car I liked once to buy the second property... and I remember using that argument on myself... oh.. sperm donor treats the gears horribly on the dear car... at least it will be better treated elsewhere.

She was awfully upset and told him she wanted to return to me or anywhere. He rightfully told her... "No way Anna.. you owe me $7000 and you stay till its paid back." And she cried till I didn't think she could cry anymore. And I felt her pain. Every sob, snort and tear.

Reality checked in with her school report when she went to enroll in the more prestigious schools in Rockhampton and they simply said... no thanks. Rockhampton Highs principal apparently gave her hell and told her she was obviously stupid so should attend tafe and not bother them. Her indignation and fury...that I completely understand... but I dont think she understands - yet that was part of my over reaction to her complete mess up of her first senior year at high school. She feels the school is beneath her, and doesnt understand yet that it was her actions that landed her there.

I miss her like crazy - but there is no way I am arguing with her father who has done the right thing. She has to do the right thing alone this time.

We walked the swelling banks of the Fitzroy River. If you click on the picture and zoom in you can see the many .. things floating down it.

We teased each other on the banks of the river every time we heard a ripple about crocodiles. Six years now and I have never seen one in the wild. And trust me - I am always looking.

Rockhampton is always a little hotter or colder than anywhere else. But - oh - it was so muggy. And the mozzies where so large!

We watched this family drive their boat up the river and giggled how MOTH would do the same stupid thing. You have no idea what a flooded river has in it... but you would still drive your beloved boat up it to see.

No wonder I am always a little crazy.

The goanna - or the lace monitor. I love his/her fat belly. I dont know how to sex a lizard. Odd that.. I can tell the sex of many other animals.

At the zoo they had moved some of the animals. Last time Rockhampton had floods both the zoo and the croc farm accidently lost their crocs. I dont think crap like that happens any where else in the world. The inevitable.. that they cant think about. I often ponder if only stupid people are allowed jobs in the north.

The salt water crocs were moved ... the freshwater's were still there on Saturday. The sign in the casuary pen said they were moved due to the floods.. but I noticed they were actually in a pen lower - near the koalas. I just cant imagine relocating a casuary would be an easy job.

Mind you I probably only visit this zoo to hurt myself. I abhor the treatment of the chimpanzees there. The two males are so bored and so able to be annoyed by revolting humans. Why did they get two brothers? Why did they never get them a female? Why do they let idiots upset them with their antagonism?

But I like to watch them and look at their hands and then mine. I like to sit there and wonder what they must wish for. And they amaze me because they too sit and stare at me. Always, a member of my family makes me move along.

This isnt a particularly good shot of an emu. But I like emu's.

And of course the dingo - and that of course just reminds me of one of my own dogs.

Rocky loves the new linen I bought.

William starts High School tomorrow; the last of my babies.

Life is just.. harder than it should be.

The numbers arent good

2008-01-24T20:55:00.000+10:00

Four of the people I care about and love.. are unhappy over this past 24 hours.

My youngest daughters had a mad reality check. And I fall for their tears and sobs every single time. Anna had to learn responsibility for her actions in the cruelest way. And the bad parent in me wanted so much to just tell everyone to shove it... and cop the costs she has incurred and deal with it later.

Jane - she... realised I love her and am not quite as dreadful as she thought.

My Mama and my colleague. They hurt and have very real problems.

I am your eternal waffler.. I never know what to do. I just know I would love to sleep.

Alvin and the chipmunks

2008-01-19T20:25:00.000+10:00

This link says it sucked.

I just loved it! I had to drag William and Moth to see it. They both would of chose something different but I was feeling selfish - and insisted on this movie. I heard them snort and giggle too.. they did like it. Neither of them will admit it though......

I laughed, I got teary and I just adored the naughty chipmunks. I liked the music and I liked listening to the reaction of the children in the seats around me.

Trouble found me again.

2008-01-17T19:24:00.000+10:00

Pouring rain this week. Mostly steaming hot - sometimes cool enough for me to search for my cardigans. Once again I have packed them somewhere so safe - I cant find them.

Ok - this story starts a few days ago. And let's face it I always say stuff that gets me in trouble.

A staff member came down to our side of the building to have a cigarette explaining that she couldn't go out the front because a large brown stray dog was at the front door. I immediately went to the front of the building because that description fits my dog. I should of used my brains - Rocky wont really leave the house if it is raining. Silly me.

I get to the door and a young employee says to me "Oh - good Melissa kick the dog and make it go away - I am scared of dogs." I haven't seen the dog yet - and I am riled instantly because I suspect it could be mine. But .. also I would am riled because who the fuck would advocate kicking ANY dog.... I see it isn't my dog... I call to the employee to get a pen and paper so I can write down the rego number .. she does and I pat the dog... and go back inside and ring council and then the owner (only got the answering machine) and go back to looking after my amazing children.

The employees words have.. settled in my head and they bother me. Asking me to kick a stray dog sheltering from the rain. I have always liked dogs more than people.

And I like this young employee. As a matter of fact I have gone out of my way to shelter her from other colleagues and make her learning period easier. I have tried to make things easy for her on many occasion which involved my own sacrifice of coworkers that I know can do the job. I swapped my proficient and reliable relief staff with her so that I could let her learn within an easier work environment. (My room doesn't have any children that have behavioural challenges at the moment - pure chance 3/4 of the kids in the room she could of been left with have been in my room before)

She is a young girl - very naive. Sometimes her stories amuse me. Always I have tried to help her and protect her. I guess she reminds me of my girls. She is pretty, compassionate, seeking a wonderful life and I think she has seen sadness but her ability to care about her family.. has always enthralled me. She is both confident and nervous in her new adult hood.

I bit my lip when she said kick the dog. I said nothing - and fumed alone. But the day after - I said "My opinion of you has lessened since you told me to kick that poor stray dog"....and I didn't allow the discussion to go further - she did try to tell me she was afraid of dogs because a dog attacked her when she was little etc.. and I just... barked at her to pay attention to the children.

Anyway - there was .. further trouble at work not related to anything I do and somehow during this trouble the young girl told the boss that I had said this - and that she felt workmates where awful to her. My... very direct and very real comment to her would of certainly made it feel worse. So the boss tracked me down.

Instead of discussing this privately the boss decided to discuss it whilst my children were sleeping and whilst three other staff members were in earshot.

I certainly received a dressing down and I absolutely deplore being personally confronted... but to me the arguments all got a bit mad...

It was definitely the bit about "my opinion of you has lessened" that made my boss angry with me. Apparently in the workplace this is not tolerated.

But it is simple to me. My ability to like her has simply... lessened.

My boss used the argument that as I am an animal lover I have no right to inflict my beliefs on others..... I felt that actually it is against the law in Australia to treat animals cruelly that this argument fell shallow.

I also felt I have a right to my beliefs - and one of my very strong beliefs is that to kick a stray dog is wrong.

My boss used the argument that the young girl said this in jest - she was joking and not being literal. I felt that didn't sit well with me because she had to tell both me and the boss about the awful childhood dog attack incident.

My boss then tried to use the example of what i would do or say if someone joked about kicking a child or running over/harming a cat.

This argument is going mad and my mind is now racing from... keep defending yourself to...... do you really want this job.. you don't Need it... You aren't here for the money...

But I am watching one of my children sit up and not cry and start playing with the little girl on the bed next to her... and that is amazing because that little girl has been so very unhappy with her separation anxiety.....

I am absolutely losing the plot because I wouldn't tolerate a joke about kicking a child either and in fact - I have often avoided people who make nasty comments about harming animals. I know funny - I LOVE funny. I don't find harming an animal or joking about kicking a kid funny. I would think less of the person.

And I still think I have the right to think less of a person for a careless comment.

So the boss brings it back to me.. and I know shes implying the work party at Great Keppel Island wherein I did absolutely get drunk, be obnoxious and opinionated and fall asleep first in the wrong damn room and generally make a drunk ass of myself. She says.. what if I said to you "my opinion of you has lessened" because of SOMETHING you did on a private function type matter.... and I think.. well... if I liked you and valued your opinion of me.. I would try to find a way to fix your opinion of me. I would not try to outdrink my other funny workmate at the next social club gathering. I would stay sober and be bored .....

If I didn't particularly value your friendship/whatever I would really not give it too much thought at all. I already have too many friends. I never get anything done. Plenty of people dont like me. Their loss - not mine.

My boss decided to call in the opinion of a coworker during the arguement and she said to her "If someone said go kick a dog outside in joking would you think less of that person" and the coworker is firstly being put on the spot and secondly... shouldnt of been privvy to my counselling session... Coworker replied No. Boss asked her a second question that escapes me now.. and coworker also replied no. Which vindicated the boss's attack on me....

How do I feel? I now simply have a lesser opinion of the boss and the coworker. I never really had an opinion of the boss...

Anyway in order to simply dismiss the confrontation I decided to admit defeat and that I was terribly wrong and wont do it again.

I am feeling rather guilty for lying that badly. I cant imagine I wont react the same way again. I do know that I found my bosses arguments about the jokes about kicking children and running over cats quite disturbing.

The young girl who felt it necessary to tell the boss how mean and awful I was today worked with me for lunch relief today. And I couldn't find it in myself to apologise to her. I could get in further trouble I guess. I was very polite and acted as I always do within the room - excepting I decided it was best that I didn't add any friendly personal banter/chat. When I noticed she had served one of my kids a can of spaghetti instead of the sandwich the mother had lovingly prepared... and usually I would tell her.. Mum would like to see the sandwich eaten because she has prepared it and the spaghetti would be a ... in case she hasn't eaten the sandwich thing.... I decided any helpful input from me at this stage isn't a good idea.

It was quite horrid getting roused on in front of my colleagues. And amazing how the boss was so pedantic about me having to concede it was all very much my fault and I shouldn't be so mean because she sometimes wanted to be mean but couldn't be....

I really felt quite challenged at the directions of the entire argument.

I adore working with these kids. It is also a mad time because soon the children leave me for the next room and I get a new batch of them. And the kids at my work are just so clever, so beautiful, so willing to learn and so very loving.

Anyway - don't joke about kicking dogs, children or harming cats in front of me.

Oh - and I wont attend any more work social functions. If they can be subtly used against me in future... fuck that. I already know which of my work colleagues I enjoy the company of.

Woops

2008-01-14T21:53:00.000+10:00

I went to add an email address to this - for the person who commented today... and I accidently deleted my template.

Blah. Took me over two hours to get back my favourite blogs to read.

I probably missed some of my favourite reads. It was just looking in History got so confusing!

Blah.

More motherhood insanity - and life goes on

2008-01-13T20:39:00.000+10:00

There are many times in life it is just too difficult to thank everyone that helps you. But lots of people have came forward with advice, support and understanding over the happenings of the past month. They all had their impact and they all made me think.

But again - the one I love best was "Most people don't tell about these types of happenings in their family .... or the kids don't get caught. Don't make Jane feel like a criminal .... just tell her that you are disappointed but know that she wont do it again ... and expect better honesty of her .... then bury it ..... that's all I can say ... cheer up .... life goes on "

Of course - trouble is - it's a bit late. I already did my absolute best to make Jane feel like a criminal. But it certainly helps me to lessen my anger at Jane and to once again feel like a mother who just wants the best for her children - and their happiness.

I will take Jane to lunch soon and send her some money. I didn't mention that directly after the court hearing Jane and I went to lunch. (Or did I?) But yes - that is what I did. I was so hungry and I didn't feel like a sandwich or whatever so instead we went to lunch as I chastised her to remind her I wasn't taking her to lunch for her actions.

I really suck at the discipline stuff.

Daughter No 2 came home Friday morning. Anna (17 in a month) wanted to attend a friends birthday party on Saturday night and conned me a little with an expression of her desire to have quality time with me. I could see she wanted to join her friends on Friday evening and gave my .. permission? That isnt the right word she is old enough to make her own way now. Blessing? Thats too odd and way to religious sounding for me to be able to stomach. Well - I could see she wanted to go and I was actually bored of almost 17 year old beautiful teen talk after an hour or so... so it was fine that she could go.

Awful pattern here - although I whinge about her going out and partying all the time and neglecting her studies etc... I also understand it a little. And indulge her a lot. Made sure she had what she needed to be safe and also socially acceptable within her crowd.. and waited until midnight when she texted me to tell me from her friend Madison's phone to tell me she was sleeping over. Arghhhhhhhh. Found sleep sometime after 1 am I guess. She arrived home at 10 am somewhat sick and tired. I made her come grocery shopping with me.

Yesterday we celebrated the 53rd birthday of a work colleague and friend of mine at a restaurant with another friend and my daughter Anna. A leisurely enjoyable lunch. Many giggles, lovely food and wonderful company.

I probably shouldnt mention my friends age - but the fact is Dinh is from Vietnam and has never had children. And no one would guess her age over 33. It would be easier if I hadnt grown to love this woman. Then I could hate her for being so incredibly beautiful, elegant and not just admire her for her incredible achievements.

I had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch and came home wonderfully mellow - and napped whilst MOTH fixed.. something he said was broken on.. the boat or the trailer. Anna could not nap because he was using.. a power tool that is noisy but I had no trouble. When I woke Anna was ready to attend her party and MOTH was in the shower getting ready for us to visit our friends to plan today.

Dunno that we did a terrible lot of planning though! We just enjoyed their company for a few hours and came home.

Today MOTH left early to secure the better BBQ spot out at Awoonga whilst Anna and I slept in to arrive at 9 am at the dam. I got up around 7.45 am and packed food, utensils, tablecloths etc for the day and woke Anna as late as I felt I could. I didnt look at the clock when she arrived home last night - I just remember being pleased she was home.

We picked up two of Anna's longtime friends and went to the dam to enjoy our friends, the water, the boat and... well just the outdoors.

The girls lounge around the BBQ area. That is Courtney with her back to us, then clockwise Anna and Madison and in the hammock behind Madison is Laura.
Our boat and the tube... and our friends awaiting their turn while I wait at the BBQ area.

Our mess - and yet another day that was wonderful. Good friends and good times. Driving a very old boat with a little tiny 18hp motor around having fun...

Courtney was my daughter Jane's collaborator in the shoplifting... err stuff. At first today, she was horrified she had to spend it with all of us. But at the end of the day - she was a ski tube hog as best we can be!

Anna and her friends were quite disturbingly interested in the birth of Nicole Riche and Christina's babys! They furiously texted for more information disgusted they were away from technology to find out more! I thought at first as they shouted at each other that Nicole and Christina must of been friends of theirs! When I realised who they were talking about... I had to remind myself to shush.

My daughter Anna's move to her fathers is looking promising. He doesn't allow her to go out at night and he is promising her the world. She cooks dinner every night and helps with his business. She doesn't swear around him and he is promising to buy her a new car. He is enticing her with.. many promises. He loves having her so much that she knows she would break his heart if she ditched this deal now. And - it could all work out fine. She can.. have both worlds if she plays her hand right.

I like her company. And I miss her. But even today - we get home at 4pm and I go to work to do what I have to - and I get home and I have to clean everything from today and put it all away and cook dinner... and my little princess sleeps. It is madness I should be expected to provide a day out for not even a thank you and no help.

But that is simply motherhood. I love all my children. No matter how much crap they deal me with. No matter how many times they shock, disappoint or humiliate me.

MOTH has been quite sick since we got home. Vomiting and... well I kinda paid attention. I ate everything he ate and I feel fine. Hope he is alright. I have gone in every so often... and made sure my lovely new sheets are still clean. Gave him water, a towel, a bucket and said.. "Oh heck don't tell me please".

And our camping gear is kinda packed up and ready for our next big adventure at Baffle creek in two weeks time.

Court day

2008-01-09T20:54:00.000+10:00

I didn't sleep very well last night. I watched the clock this morning from bed terrified of sleeping over. But I felt so ridiculously tired.

Jane had a shower and then I told her to look at some clothes for her to wear to her court appearance today.I had asked her Monday and Tuesday to find something suitable but the sofa and the bedroom, television and PlayStation2 and xbox were far more important.

We had a .. small altercation wherein I lost my temper at her... distaste at wearing things I suggested and in the end she resurrected the same blouse I bought for her for her first job interview with a top I bought at the post Christmas sales and my navy blue work skirt. She looked beautiful.

That damn blouse - I bought it for her on this awful day we went shopping for job interview clothes. It was on sale - 50% off and just less than $40. I thought it was a bargain, and she did get the job. And then - I found the blouse in a bag for the opportunity shops and I.. lost my temper. Worn once. Perfect condition.

"Why the hell is this here?" says me.

"Because it's ugly." says Jane.

I guess she didn't get that I spent double on it than what I would spend on myself and that I expect clothing to be somewhat more durable than once only. But I didn't react with nice understanding Mummy - I reacted angry and annoyed and ...

I have done that maybe 30 times this year alone. I have been annoyed at Jane for being asleep as the rest of us went clothes shopping and I have just selected things for her whilst shopping that also met the fate of the opportunity shop bag. The time I got her sister Anna to buy her school uniform shirt because Jane just would not go and purchase it for herself. The fury because had I given my other children my debit card and told to go get a uniform they would of been there so quick my card would of been smoking - but Jane would retort to me... You expect ME to walk to the uniform shop? She would roll her eyes and simply go back to what she wants to do...absolutely believing that if she only has one uniform and it isn't clean then she can just not go to school.

And I guess I was a real bitch of a mother. I would become more determined to make her act for herself. In the end Anna just asked me for the debit card and she went and bought it and we hid it until the next time Jane said... "Can't go to school - my uniform isn't clean - you wont buy me enough."

Ok - that is the self pitying shit my dear girlfriend tells me is completely unbecoming. But it all rocked home hard again this morning.

We arrived early because we wanted to use the duty solicitor. I did make toast but I forgot to ate it and fed it to the dogs cold. So the wait ... made me hungry and less than nice tempered. I was lucky I guess that my friend and colleague was there - our beautiful naughty daughters causing somewhat odd family time. I had to laugh at that... when we discuss how we should go camping, playing in the water etc time together as families.. we didn't mean at the courthouse.

And the wait was certainly easier with companions.

The interview with the solicitor was... horrific. Once again - Jane indicated the reason she stole was because I didn't provide. (You have to remember that the majority of the stuff these girls stole was BABY CLOTHES - and no, neither of them are pregnant.) The solicitor pointed out to Jane that she was dressed beautifully today and that Jane's statement that she had to steal looked rather.... ridiculous.

I just wanted to slap Jane's face.

I mean that and I completely understand why it sounds so awful. Fancy wanting to slap your own daughters face!

But at the same time - I felt so terribly guilty. Maybe I should of driven her to the shops when she woke at 1 pm (actually they are mostly shut then anyway - I work fulltime)... Maybe I should of bought her the designer clothes she wanted and not said... I will pay for the basics if you want designer names you work and pay for your own... Maybe I should of moved houses and given her her own beautiful bedroom... Maybe I should of provided her own computer and satellite tv channels... Maybe I should of been more tolerant on those awful shopping trips with Jane wherein after four or five hours and nothing was good enough...

After all - I didn't really NEED to go to lunch with my friends. I didn't really NEED to spend the money we were given on a new dinner setting. I didn't need to have the one hairdressers appointment I had last year that cost $150 (lets face it i was upset at spending that money too - I shouldn't of done that) I probably should of cooked more and not bought pre-prepared food. I shouldn't of got mad at her for using our cash and buying her school lunches instead of making her own like the other two children did.

Maybe had I indulged her... maybe I shouldn't of said... "You are not wearing that". Maybe I should of paid for her gym membership that she was sure would make her skinny again. Maybe I shouldn't of got cranky at that and said "Oh for heavens sake just get off your butt and DO SOMETHING" and you wont be so damn big.

I definitely shouldn't of told her she is resembling her auntie and her legs look like tree trunks.

Maybe I shouldn't of got so frustrated when she told me she couldn't cook because she doesn't know how. Maybe I should of understood when she tells me she doesn't want to do any work in this house because she shouldn't have to. Maybe I shouldn't of got so wild when she told me she didn't want to help clean the house because she wasn't paid for it. Maybe if I paid for the piano lessons, dancing lessons and gym - she wouldn't of stole. I didn't because every other time I pay for stuff from her she gets kicked out for bad behaviour or just doesn't turn up.

The day was utterly heartbreaking. I could of simply been such a horrid unproviding mother... I didn't need to make her go without when she was being difficult. I could of.. found a way to let her have her own way.

The girls didn't get a conviction recorded. They have to attend what is called a " Youth Justice Conference" wherein representatives of the store, Jane and her fellow shoplifter and us parents and court officials discuss the impact of their actions on the community.

It was five hours of... patience. But my patience has all but ran out.

I love my daughter (s) like crazy. But this is just too hard.

The day this stupid stuff happened Jane was meant to meet me at the mall. I couldn't find them - and I walked around for hours. I wish I had of walked further, rang her maybe? Of course I could of rang her... but I just figured that would embarrass her. I knew she .. wouldn't like my intrusion. Jane seemed so happy with her new friends.. I didn't want to.. intrude on that. She was awake - out of bed and going out with friends.

MOTH has always been my rock. But when I got home from cleaning the centre today - he wasn't home. And although sometimes I absolutely CRAVE being alone... I so didn't want to be this afternoon.

I rang the youngest three's father.. and he indicated Jane was simply being... me. Which infuriated me. I never ever stole from a shop. (I did however - errr help myself to money out of my father's underwear draw and sometimes manipulate situations .. to my own benefit especially where my step mothers shop accounts where concerned) Sperm donor was delighted in having Anna with him though. Her cooking dinner and secretarial skills have made him very happy. He will never get she is capeable of so so much more. Jane is not going to be pleased at this.

I was never a teenager that gained weight through inactivity.

Was I nicer to her siblings? Did I make her entire life miserable? I feel a little afraid that I did. I shouldnt of put conditions on her getting stuff. I shouldnt of felt she had to earn any money. I DID fall apart when she was little and I wasnt much use to anyone for a few years. All I did was cook dinner and .. attend to the urgent stuff. I should of bought the Rollups and mass produced food and not insisted on home made food. But I also feel I wouldnt of had that awful fight with Anna for spending every night out had Jane not... been here. I know William stays home when Jane is away and sleeps at his mates house when Jane is home.

oh - Dog - I am not saying this is all Jane's fault.

I dont understand why Jane has no recollection of the good times. I dont understand why she only remembers the ... worst of me. I never understood why Jane only watches her sisters and me being fools and never joins in. It is awfully good fun to sing and dance badly sometimes. And yes - I really suck at being trendy... and I am not fashionable and I will not wear my skirts on my hips (fuck I cant find them anymore!) and I do get impatient shopping....

But I do feel my absolute failure. It was my job to make Jane a nice life. I absolutely didnt manage to give that to her. It was horrid at court today. All the people there were with juveniles. The wear and tear. The horrid language. The mothers who looked.. just dreadful. The tattoos, piercings and apathy. My old neighbours ... smoking in defiance. The dreadful realisation I was one of them. My daughter stole from three stores. The anger in her ... was directed at me. Why I chose to not let her just have what she wanted is beyond me. I could of been nicer.

MOTH has new found friends at his new job. So when I got home from my second job I was alone. And quite horrible because I thought he would be here.

At least tonight I can, and am, crying.

I too hope my pity party is over. But I cant pretend I feel anything other than terrible sadness.

The charges my youngest daughter incurred

2008-01-07T22:40:00.000+10:00

That on the 15th day of December 2007 you did unlawfully take goods away from Target Gladstone.
That on the 15th day of December 2007 you did unlawfully take goods away from Kmart Gladstone.
That on the 15th day of December 2007 you did unlawfully take goods away from Big W Gladstone.

It keeps making me feel absolutely sick. But I know damn well I am not ill.

Hurry up Wednesday. I want this all over.

Treading water - breathing and trying to appear sane

2008-01-06T22:36:00.000+10:00

I mentioned before that I dyed my hair back to dark brown on Christmas Eve - the colour it was before I went very grey when I was very young.I was 27 when I went 70% grey. And it was pretty much overnight. I had the stray grey hairs from a late teenager.. but suddenly... when I lived in a beautiful cottage on a beautiful hill with my children and William would stop breathing.. I realised my hair had gone madly grey. My dog at the time was Suzie - and oddly she too went grey the same day I realised I had. I guess we both sat and watched the sleeping baby together. Rocky seemed somewhat uncomfortable with me at first - maybe the smell of hair dye? Dogs aren't meant to see colour?

I know I have sounded like an endless pit of self pity lately with the dilemma with my two younger girls. That does bother me - I don't believe in self pity - I do believe you make your own bed. It just wasn't the scenario I wanted. And yes - who the heck do I think I am to think I can dictate how things happen.

Oh - that reminds me. The only after Christmas sales purchase I made was a set of good sheets on severe markdown. I normally only buy markdown crap sheets. These are heaven. I have been washing them in the morning and putting them back on the bed at lunch time rather than using my old ones. (MOTH and I sleep with Rocky and - well Rocky is not partial to baths.. he can be downright gross sometimes) Very small things can amuse me. I like my new sheets that were marked down .. to the same price I would normally pay for five sets of sheets.

Yep - I am that much of a peasant!

And my mind really does waffle that badly. I can start thinking about some awful news event and within seconds be thinking of fairy floss.

The lime tree and the parsley. The coriander seeded - after a ridiculous harvest that I couldn't use or give away - and I replanted some today.
The mass of green in the garden - and I tried to make myself cull some stuff to give something a chance to grow - but I actually managed to feel sorry! for all the plants and decide to just let them fight it out themselves. Except the rosemary in the black pot - I am giving that to a friend because another rosemary plant went crazy in the bigger vegetable garden.
I pulled out most of the tomatoes and capsicum - they are just falling off rotten? I planted carrots and potatoes ... maybe they will fare better with this mad weather?

The basil has gone mad - I made pesto.. well sort of. I didn't have pine nuts but I had semi dried tomatoes and roasted capsicum and eggplant in the freezer so I just... mixed it all in the blender with olive oil , garlic, some olives and some anchovies and Parmesan cheese and it tastes fantastic - and it just smells so nice....
And I am running out of ideas on what to do with the rest of it. I hacked away at most of it these last few days. I did kinda use Trundling Grunts recipe as a base and I noticed he said it freezes fine.. so I was wondering if I could just freeze the basil with oil? I should Google it.. but couldn't be bothered yet. I will think of it when the damn stuff all dies back I guess. I just put the "pesto" I made in jars in the fridge.

My girlfriend Robyn was in Rockhampton this weekend and we had hoped to make the trip to see her. But I took Anna's phone as my own (contract thing) and MOTH took my old phone - and we emailed everyone i thought may need it. I neglected to get the numbers of my friends off MOTH's phone - and it meant I couldn't contact her to organise anything for today - Sunday when we could of met up. I told Anna and the other kids we would meet her so they were all disappointed. I did email Robyn's sister telling of my error - and I did keep both phones close to me. I also sat up making food for a BBQ that never happened...

And that was kinda odd because Robyn has been a little pissed at me not making the effort to visit her. I never really understand anything I guess. The time I did want to visit her.. she couldn't because she was out of the country. I did suggest that I needed accommodation (it was my cousins wedding) and she had a boarder and it was inappropriate. And that is fair enough.

The times she visits me... are on journeys to visit family. She also has the luxury of cheap train travel... I THINK the tickets are like $5 each way within the state. I don't. My trip to Sydney.. I spent almost $5K. And I had cheap air tickets for only $3 each.

I wasted a couple of hours desperately looking around for anything that had her phone number on it so I could tell her I wanted to be there but couldn't ... well not couldn't. I could of. I was meant to be in Rockhampton. But I didn't want to go if there was a possibility of me sitting around all day waiting for someone. That is how selfish I have got.

My daughter Anna was looking forward to our visit to Rockhampton. So I disappointed her too.We all would of loved to see Robyn and the kids. William hurt his eye yesterday - and although I packed the camp/BBQ box and made rissoles for the day.. when I woke this morning I just thought... buggar driving all that way for nothing. And I never heard from Robyn today...and I really am getting cross when demands are made of me that don't seem necessary. I cannot afford to visit Cairns. I wont do things that make me feel uncomfortable.

I told Robyn that we had new phone numbers. I told her that we would make it to Rockhampton today if that is what she wanted. I wasted my time preparing for that visit. Anna and William would of loved to see her kids.

Anyway I managed to feel guilty over that too!

The mother of the shoplifter waffles on

2008-01-05T20:34:00.000+10:00

Thursday afternoon was meant to be Jane's police interview over her shoplifting charge. She caught the train down from Rockhampton to attend and I had given her many talks on how they wanted to see she had remorse and if she did.. she would only be given a caution/warning and not be charged.

I had to start work early by an hour so that I could attend the interview at 4 pm - and I felt physically sick over it all. I have a terrible headache behind my eye that wouldn't leave me.. my stomach felt queasy and I am not much good at being fun. I don't think I was terribly good fun playing with the kids because when I am being a frog jumping over the floor making frog noises being distracted by my own worries makes me forget where we are up to.... and I don't realise the kids have changed me into a lion - and lions don't make frog noises.

When I got home - the police had called and due to staff shortages our interview had been cancelled. Fantastic.

Friday morning MOTH called my work at 6.30am and said I was sick. I probably wasn't so sick that I couldn't of worked. I just didn't feel like facing very much (and there is a monster at my work that can bring out the worst of my temper and feelings)and wanted some peace. Even if it was just making pesto from the abundant basil out the back yard.

My friend (who is also the other shoplifters mother) rang me to tell me they had been given an interview that day... and I rang to see if we could organise the same. They agreed to fit us in after explaining their very busy schedule and how they had staffing issues (yeah - no shit.... I too rearranged my working hours and probably ended up causing a staffing issue at my own work for it)but out of the brilliance of their hearts they would fit us in.

I just sat and smelt my basil seeing my plans had changed. I tried to suggest that Jane's attire for the interview wasn't.. great but she grumped at me so I decided to let it go. I would of liked her to dress... nicely. A skirt? a nice shirt. Something demure and elegant. She chose a mismatch of colours and writing and a colourful bikini top covered with a t-shirt that to me looked as if she was on her way to the town pool. I suggested some of my own clothing... but resisted the urge to yell when she snorted at that suggestion.

I told myself to concentrate on the big stuff not the little stuff. Because I always feel like I am yelling at Jane. I mean it - always. Even when I am not yelling at her I FEEL like I am because I am getting uptight about the mess she has left on the kitchen bench/bathroom floor/bedroom/living room cushions she is walking over that shouldn't be on the floor.. etc etc. I get uptight when I get home from work for lunch and she is in bed. I get so tense and annoyed when I find she has washed one skirt and one top and nothing else. I start feeling like throwing things when I find the clothes I bought her less than a few months ago are in the garbage bin or find a pile of her dirty clothes under her bed when she is insisting she has nothing to wear.

The investigator at the Police station is an immaculately presented and attractive woman who takes me for a chat before the actual interview. She explains that she needs to see remorse etc and that she will appear hostile and may offend with her portrayal of a police officer reprimanding a young person who has committed a crime. I explain that it is actually Jane's nature to appear taciturn and to look at the ceiling when an adult is chastising her - and she advised she wasn't going to allow Jane to do that to her. I had a few minutes alone with Jane where I told her.. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CEILING - ANSWER HER TRUTHFULLY AND LOOK AT HER... MAKE SURE YOU DON'T BE RUDE TO HER... TELL HER YOU ARE SO SORRY AND WONT DO IT AGAIN!!!

And just like you see on the movies - the interview begins. The tapes are put in the huge machine (our government must get ripped off pretty badly - why the hell the huge machine to do something so tiny?)The Investigator also writes in her large handwriting the minutes of the interview. Jane's rights, what this interview is for etc - and then into the sordid details of what happened that day these two naughty, beautiful (and very loved) girls decided to amuse themselves shoplifting. Three stores. What they took. How they concealed it - undoing the packaging, acting casual, stuffing it in their bags and what their intended use for the item was. My concealing my fury at Jane taking long black pants and socks for work (when all she had to do was say she needed them - ok maybe they wouldn't of been the same ones Jane stole - but for all other purposes Jane owned three pairs of long black pants and our sock collection... well that's bloody legendary. Ok - I concede some mornings finding an EXACT pair can be somewhat difficult)

Jane looks at the ceiling. She taps her fingers indicating she is impatient. She rolls her eyes and answers questions with.. yeah yeah... and hmmmffffppphhhh (that is an actual sound - just trust me) she gets impatient and rude to the interviewer and says "what do you want me to say?" and "well - I don't know it was just for fun" and I do my best to stop myself from crying. But the damn tears wont stop anyway. I know shes blown it. I can see the Investigator getting annoyed with this spoilt brat who treats it as a bore a joke... and some dreadful adult forcing her to yet again do something she doesn't want to do. This takes hmmm.. from 1.52pm to 2.33pm. The investigator leaves the room obviously annoyed and I desperately want to flee so I can cry somewhere by myself. I suddenly wish she hasn't left me alone with Jane because I want to slap Jane's face myself. Wouldn't look awfully good me assaulting a minor at a police station.

I say to Jane.. "You have blown this. Don't you understand you CANT have a criminal record because you cannot work with children if you have one?" Thinking using something I KNOW Jane loves and cares about.. might jog her to rethink her actions. She retorts with a definite snarl "I have changed my mind I don't want to work with children."

Fantastic. Now you are not just a thief but a liar too. And the person your lying to the most.. is yourself.

The investigator returns and I fight back tears again when she says.. Jane will be charged..she shows no remorse... and I can do nothing but nod my head.. I agree completely with her. My tears are just my utter humiliation that I am responsible for raising this... person that at that very moment I like very little.... who at the same time is someone I love so very much.

I found comfort in my friend who is also suffering at the actions of her shoplifting daughter. And my daughter Anna (who is in Rockhampton with her father) was.. remarkably understanding and considerate of my feelings. In a telephone conversation she managed to make Jane cry and I am still not sure how or why that happened.

In the ensuing argument with Jane where I berated her for her inability to show remorse and make this proceed to the next level - Wednesday morning at 8.30 she goes to court to be charged with three counts of shoplifting... she once again indicated it was all my fault - her childhood was terrible, she had to cook and clean at age 5 (a remarkable accusation when you consider the fact she can do neither now... she has no clue how to organise the simplest of family meals and her idea of cleaning is to shove things under something)I was a drunk (there is truth in that) and I never liked her I only liked Anna and William, and that I spoilt William rotten.

The latter is not true. Oh - I could of spoilt these three kids rotten there could be truth in that. But that I favoured them over Jane is not true. It was just easier to be with Anna - and you know what? Anna COULD cook/cater for a large party. Those years Jane was at boarding school.. life was easier for the four of us. Jane's return home has been hard on all of us. This house is too small. Maybe I should of got a bigger house. But I dont feel comfortable rewarding Jane's bad behaviour with what she wants.

William had apnoea and has bone tumours. And there is no... end to that. Fucking great lumps that impede his movement and make him suffer... that he tries so hard to never show me... he isn't nearly as spoilt as I would let him be if I could... she is probably damn lucky I stayed as drunk as I could for weeks after his tumour removal...(I only bothered to be sober for doctors appointments or any time I had to drive) It wasn't a pretty time. I didn't cope very well.

I probably retaliated badly. I asked MOTH to put the cable tv in William's room today. Another furious moment at my beautiful daughters selfishness... She doesn't get that these kids didn't get expensive boarding school. She doesn't get that I really resented spending money on shrinks and doctors visits and having to attend endless school interviews because of her bad behaviour... that i always felt pressured to drug Jane... and refused to do it so it felt to me that I was battling too many battles. She doesn't get that Anna and William were there threw all of it... and must of been as disgusted at my behaviour... but never showed it like she does. They never tattled on my ... indiscretions. They just... hung round me and talked to me. Touched my shoulders and patted my head. Picked me up when I fell over. Reminded me to wear clothes when I felt it necessary to yell at the neighbours.

I remember one night watching "The Osbourne's" on tv and Ozzie was throwing bricks or rocks at the neighbours for playing dreadful music. Which I can relate to. However.. Sharon (who had to be as intoxicated or close) came out with a bag of bread and persuaded him to throw that instead. And as I roared laughing I also cried because.. that's a little like us.

This crime of Jane's bugs me like no other. I abhor stealing. You cant need to steal in Australia... its impossible. To starve in this country you simply have to be an imbecile. You can steal if its to feed yourself or your family, or to obtain necessary health stuff. Here - that's all available to you. Free. The second person in the street will give you bread and a can of baked beans. No hospital will refuse you. Jane was stealing utter crap - baby stuff and makeup and clothes. The baby stuff for people.. who don't need to steal it. The makeup - nope I cant forgive that my kids are capable of working for luxuries. The clothes.. oh heaven that is just bullshit. I can understand lots of crimes. It doesn't mean I condone them - it just means I can understand them. I can understand assault when someone has been so ghastly that.. harming them makes sense. I wanted to slap Jane's face at least twice yesterday and that is definitely assault.

I can understand murder in a few cases - for instance years of abuse that makes someone... react with a crime. I can understand verbally abusing someone.. because I have.. had occasion to want to do that myself or.. probably did it. (ok so I have absolutely verbally abused some people) I have mooned people in public before in a mischievous mood. Preformed lewd acts .... ummm.. wow. Trespassed... I do that on a regular basis when I am fishing. Two of my absolute favourite fishing spots are called "No trespassing" and "Trespassers will be prosecuted". MOTH laughs at me and kisses my head when I tell him I want to go to "No trespassing". MOTH only kisses my head when I am acting weird. I know that.

It was utterly dreadful to watch my beautiful daughter become this awful, angry teenager with a chip on her shoulder that lets her believe stealing was ok. It is utterly humiliating to admit it has to be all my fault. I wasnt a good enough mother. I let her down .. many times. I shouldnt of cooked - I should of bought the stuff she wanted. I shouldnt of forced her to exercise. I shouldnt of just caved in when she got kicked out of drama or anything else she was enrolled in... I should of argued I paid for the lessons she should have them. But at the time I just felt... they kicked her out for her bad behaviour so I have to cop it.

I am so unbelievably angry with her. But the same part of me that wants to shake her and tell her... stop stop stop... wants to hug her and tell her she is so terribly loved...

And it really all makes me feel sick. I dont have a temperature.. and there is nothing wrong with me. But I would love to crawl into my bed and stay there.

On Wednesday Jane has to show the magistrate that she is sorry. It wouldnt be that hard. She could say something like.... I am so sorry what I did I thought was fun but I have humiliated myself my family and destroyed a girls employment - I feel so sad and will never ever steal again.... but she WONT...

She will say... fuck you all your boring me ... i will just stare at the ceiling...crack my knuckles and pretend to play keyboard....have a few random stabs at my mother who couldnt cope well when my brother was small...and remember nothing of the good just the bad... I never did provide the shit Jane wanted.

And it breaks my heart.

Goodbyes and till we meet again

2007-12-26T21:28:00.001+10:00

The dogs only enjoy the left over food part of Christmas. They just don't appreciate being dressed up. Dotti chewed the pom pom off her hat while I was talking on the telephone to my mother.
We had a pre Christmas lunch with my workmate and Friend Fersie on Sunday. Fersie comes from the Philippine's and although her English is good sometimes there are certainly discrepancies if not damn mistakes. I asked her if her boyfriend liked seafood and she said yes. Frank is from Greece and due to being raised on seafood he considers it...peasant food. He explained this in the most eloquent and not insulting way. It is my description that sounds rude.

I was delighted to find my friends fiance.. a witty and intelligent conversationalist, extremely polite and capable of not reacting too badly as I kicked a bone from under the table under the cupboard hoping no one would see... but he did. I saw his face - he saw it.

The dogs also beat the back door consistently during lunch. Until Rocky grew tired of being ignored - climbed the 8 foot fence, again hurting himself, and banged on the front door.

So what was my menu for this person who didn't like seafood? Yep - prawn cocktails, followed by mud crab caught that morning by MOTH, turkey and roast veggies (thank fook I didn't decide to go salmon cutlets as I did consider) and parfait glasses with red wine jelly with blueberries, strawberry mousse, chocolate mousse, banana custard, mango frozen yogurt and topped with pretty chocolate sticks.
I had not met Frank before - although I have heard about him from Fersie who I have worked with for the past six months. She was very coy and cautious about telling me about him.. but he really was lovely and so caring with her. Fersie leaves soon with Frank and I will be the sorrier for it. Working with her has been a great pleasure. Sometimes I would help with her assignments and she has made me laugh and have to think harder than I normally allow myself to bother.

I think best of all is the contentment in sharing a workplace with someone you like, trust and who knows and understands your idiosyncrasies. Who you know cares as much as you do. And she never messes up my side of the cupboard. Ever. Cause I understand my mess. No one else does.

Anna also joined us for lunch. I had invited her to dinner but she was being thrown a goodbye party by her friends and naturally that was more important. I was a little worried inviting her to lunch because this was my celebration of Fersie's completion of her course, a Christmas celebration and a goodbye to Fersie.

I worried Anna would attempt to make it all about Anna. She arrived very hungover. Her apathy was upsetting but I am getting better and better and either holding my tongue or forcing back my tears. Although she was being amusing, my guests could tell I was annoyed at her behaviour.... and at one stage Frank challenged her.. and asked her... in 20 years when you have a child you love and your child is doing the same thing you are doing now.. how will you feel? He pressed her for an answer.

She boldly sat straight and stared back and said "I will be the coolest mum ever - I will allow my child to go out every night and I will be like.. XXXX's Mum and buy all the booze for their friends too, and I wont carry on like Mum".

We all looked at each other and knew we would remember this.

Two people I am going to miss very much. But the one on the left has been missing from my heart for enough time to let that grief go. The one on the right - well hopefully she will return.
At the dinner table Anna, showing all the class her mother did NOT teach her... had this to display to us. She claims it was done slipping on cat urine on the stairs where she has been staying since our altercation... and was done whilst in a sober moment not an intoxicated one. Sounds just lovely. Free accommodation for three weeks included with all you can party and drink - and slippery stairs. Go figure. No wonder I am not considered fun.

Bet she thinks her mother wouldn't post that on the Internet!

I do hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

We went to a friends house where we were treated to great food, company and cocktails.

My three youngest children left Christmas Eve for their biological fathers house while I was at work. I returned to an upside down home. They took the printer which Anna and I had agreed would stay with me... but apparently Anna was so under the weather she didn't even bother to come home to help pack the stuff into her fathers 4x4. And what Jane threw in the bin would of made me cry if I could just remember how to let the tears actually flow.

MOTH seems to panic if I am distressed and can only resort to .. adult activities that I feel least like.

I dyed my hair back to dark brown Christmas Eve -(the original colour prior to when I was 27) to try amuse myself. It felt funny looking in the mirror... the brunette is someone I know but someone I... don't feel connected with. And those dreadful lines around her eyes! She was a nicer person than I am too... she cared more and was sure she could do more. She thought she could make everything wonderful and everyone happy.

I haven't done peering at her. Just looking and watching in the mirror.

I had a hangover at work today

2007-12-19T22:55:00.000+10:00

Yep. A rip roaring,head thumping, gut wrenching, pore seeping colossal hangover. I do remember it being 2am and the only thing I could find to drink was some wine a friend gave me about 6 months ago that I wasn't particularly fond of. I also remember listening to Cat Stevens on You Tube and thinking I should be asleep.

So of course we were short staffed and had capacity room and every one of my small charges wanted to play the drums, bang puzzles on tables, request me to read books that had too many words and a couple of them threw in some pretty spectacular toileting accidents for good measure.

I swear they knew I was unwell. They only wanted me to play my normal noisy stuff today.

Mind you - getting twelve children to make Kookaburra noises is awfully funny even when your head does hurt.

And although my colleague was amused by my demise she showed lovely consideration by buying me greasy food, mints and body spray.

I taught the children to point to pictures of elephants and tell me Miss Cheree is an elephant. She had already tried to get the children to say the picture of the gorilla was me... but they dobbed. Tomorrow when I will be perfectly healthy and my head wont hurt - I am gunna teach them how to trumpet and pretend their arms are an elephant trunk when she comes into the room.

Still yelling

2007-12-19T22:27:00.000+10:00

Jane (daughter no3 aka the newly inducted shoplifter) came to my work this afternoon after finishing her shift at the supermarket to inform me that I had to pick up her (confiscated) mobile phone from High School today or else she would not have it these holidays. My commitments after my day shift today are 2 hours cleaning. I quite like this arrangement because I like the fact that I know where toileting accidents occurred, who had the running nose and where they played and what toys need to be attended to and I like knowing it is clean. I stick that pay cheque in a separate banking account which is for a purpose I haven't decided yet.

I told Jane I would go and get it as soon as the shift finished as long as she started vacuuming as soon as I left so that my duties are not affected. And she did. And she did a very good job. And I collected the phone at the 11th hour and returned to finish my duties.

When we got home Jane went straight to bed in her work uniform. I had to wake her because we have a power outage tomorrow - and she wont be able to do her normal use the washing machine and dryer for her stuff - it has to be done tonight.

I spent maybe 15 minutes talking to my girlfriend Roxanne... and whilst I was talking/typing I was aware Jane was cooking her self deep fried potato chips for dinner. MOTH and I had eaten - Lamb vindaloo and rice which my youngest children do not like. MOTH queried Jane's cooking - and she mistook it that he was hungry. So she cooked an entire 1 kg of chips. She then drowned them in a brand new bottle of tomato sauce without checking to see if there was another bottle. Not once did she ask anyone for assistance or direction. When I saw the two plates of cold fried chips swimming in tomato sauce.. I started yelling. When I saw the empty 1 kg bag of chips on the floor - I got louder.

In the fridge there is ham, garden salad and coleslaw. There is eggs, cheese, cream and vegetables. Beautiful watermelon and peaches. In the pantry there is bread, packet noodles & pasta and rice, cans of food suitable for heating and I am not kidding - it is loaded with food. In the freezer is portions of Sunday nights spaghetti bol that are suitable for microwaving. Pizza bases and suitable portions of meat for one or two people.

I KNOW that the chips cost is negligible. $2 or $3. It is the choice and the wastage that makes me lose the plot.

She has chosen to go live with her sister and father on the 24th December. She stays here so she can do her shifts at work so she has money for the holidays. She attempted to give me a list of things she needs/wants for my shopping tomorrow.

I am hating just waiting for this date... And it is pretty insane getting wild over a 1 kilo of chips.... and a beautiful girl that cries over her weight problem.

Headaches, new beginnings and Police appointments

2007-12-18T21:03:00.000+10:00

Arghhh... ok have to start from somewhere!

Can't I waffle on about how we stripped off the 9 two year olds today and filled two large water troughs with water from the fire hose and added bubbles and plastic boats and water squirters? (guns/pistols are not allowed at our daycare however we insist they are neither and are indeed "squirters" and we make sure we install the word "squirter" into the children)

Now THAT was fun. The roaring laughter, the squeals, the wet little people, the cool lovely cuddles as they tried to squirt water always directly in our faces..... the "Missalissa look at ME" as they splashed and sploshed and made me laugh until I snorted.

I have had a dull headache above my left eye for over a week now, and it wont leave me alone. I am doing my best to not think about my daughter no2 and daughter no3's choices. But it is kinda hard.

I also have a nagging worry as I tend to my two year olds that I am a real pretender and no mother of a thief should be trying to teach these precious little people what is right and wrong, what colour or animal is that, what sound an animal makes, what is happy and what is sad and how to recognise their names the alphabet and their numbers.

When their parents collect the children I find myself wondering what they would think if they knew - and worse! Horrors! It is a small town and they will probably hear about it. And how would I explain it? I accept a Xmas gift from one of my small charges... and stop the tears from my eyes because the truth is I never managed to stop THAT kid from stealing his friends lunches at the table EITHER!

Yep - on a scale of shitiness.. I feel pretty damn... shitty. And I am going to excuse my deplorable choice of words in that last sentence. Why? Because I spent an hour or more reading the dreadful use of English that my teenagers use in text messaging, myspace and such other web page type things today. Here is a verbatim example.

well can u tell mi y u and jane did it????

cuz i have no effin idea!!!!

and yea i kno i was in the wrong 4 lettin u 2 go through mi registar

bt friends dnt dob friends in that is y i did not say anything cuz u were mi friend!!!!!!!!!!

and tell jane i hope she is happy cuz i mst prob b gettin charged for wat happens!!!!!!!!!!!

so i lst mi job and gettin charged 4 it!!!!!!!!!!!!

then when i went in the interview room at wrk and lied to the police officer so i could cover u and jane up bt then he new that i was liein so i told him the truth..............

so wat is happenin to u and jane?????

plz right bak

That was from the poor girl who lost her job when my daughter chose to shoplift on Saturday. The girl this was addressed to whom Jane was sure was her new best friend and greatest friend ever - has now decided it was all Jane's fault and Jane stole everything and she is the innocent bystander. And I worry that Jane is feigning her sorrow and guilt for my benefit.

Last week I wrote this email to my daughter no 2 who is staying at her friends house right now.

Dear Anna,

I have been advised that you have organised with your father to remove your belongings on the 24th December and will be staying with him for a while. On hearsay it is alleged you will then reside with your friend who has recently endured their own family displacement and I trust and hope you will manage to be a viable part of that household and not cause them any distress.

As I will be at work on the 24th December I would appreciate an inventory of what you plan to take, as a matter of courtesy. I will have it out for you on the 23rd in the carport.

I will attend the meeting with Mr. Wyer on Friday and advise Toolooa High School of the situation wherein I find it impossible to support your behavior and although I am completely aware of what has happened to your school work that it is not in my power or discretion to make any changes in that area. Your socialising every single night until the early morning hours and treating our home as a motel cant be tolerated. You have made the decision to act like an adult and therefore can have the responsibilities of one.

I wish you luck and happiness.

I have decided that in light of your recent (well, that is for argument too) behavior and in the consideration that I am not financially willing to support your mobile telephone usage (something that has never met my approval) that you will have to return the current phone. I am considering allowing you to have my Motorola telephone that is fully paid for and you can organise some kind of payment plan that suits you. The telephone in your possession that is a contract in my name I need back this weekend.

Again, as a matter of courtesy, I would appreciate a rough estimate the vodaphone telephone bill will incur.

Jane and William have elected to spend Christmas with your father and I have encouraged William to spend further time with you and your family. I will appreciate the time alone and the lesser work and costs involved with just 2-3 people.

I am completely aware of how you think making me suffer for protesting your bad behavior by your absence will allow you to feel self righteous and indignant about my cruel words... but the fact is I am just as strong as you are ...and I don't need your behavior bringing me unhappiness, worry and unnecessary work or expense.

You want to party every night - even on a Monday night because "it is school holidays" (without your expletives) and I am staring at a letter stating you'r efailing the most important exams of your life even though you have the comfort of a home, people who love you and leniency at every single angle.

I am not sitting up on a Monday night worrying about you. You have chosen adulthood - may you embrace it and may it not be cruel.

Thank you for the good times. Thank you for all the times you made me laugh and smile. For every poem recited, song sung, dance danced and time you choked my throat and made me blink back tears at how beautiful and cute you are. For the times you made me feel loved and the times you tried to help my sadness at the big bad world that can be so mean. And best of luck with your choices - may you find happiness... sometimes it does come from the places we expect least. Our door is always open - it just cant be open 24/7 for how you chose to behave. But if you need me... I am always easy to find. I am going to miss you.

I love you always Anna.

Organise for the phone swap and the inventory of what you are taking on the 24th. I will make sure the stuff is outside on the 23rd.

Mum

She responded with this.

Dear Mum.

ok the phone will be returned to you. It can still make calls but 3 of the buttons do not work.
Do not worry about giving me the motorala i will organise somthing as the nokia is pretty damaged. If i return the phone u should use the sim as 50 dollers will be taken out everymonth unless u cancel it.

Im not shore were im going to be living permenetly i just no im going to dads for christmas.

If u do not want to attend the meeting that is fine as because i dont live there i need to organise being a independeant student. Im still going to the meeting as im finishing yeat 12 there

Are u saying william is to be living with dad aswell?

Love Anna

Bit of a worry really. And to think she actually did pass English?

Everything is a bit bewildering for me at the moment.

MOTH of course is my rock. Even if he can be an annoying rock. He thinks the way to cure any form of my unhappiness is sex. I agree - it is a useful mechanism to relieve stress. But, sadly he thinks that if my misery is great - then the solution is more sex. I convinced him to take me to a restuarant and buy William and Damien takeout pizza tonight.(Jane too of course - it is just I am not feeling particularly generous to her at the moment and she is just lucky the boys don't annoy me - she should be eating boiled rice and cabbage)

Mostly because I know at a restaurant he cant hassle me. The food was nice though and the no washing up was nicer. MOTH is a little weird when I have major problems - he just doesn't seem to be able to cope. So he tries to compensate by also demanding my attention. And I am perfectly aware smacking every one's nose is not an option.

Damn shame that.

The dogs are reacting just the same though. They think the solution is to sit on me. Rocky climbed on the dining table tonight in an effort to gain my attention. I went with the flow and fed him a couple of my Christmas present chocolates. Put fairy wings on Dotti and watched her try to chew it off her back. She doesn't really make a very good fairy.

Both my parents sent me lovely notes and gifts this week. My mother likes to stay in touch and so her kindness was somewhat anticipated. My father, however has almost never been guilty of showing affection - so that was kind of a shock. Damn shame his note included his pride in my beautiful girls. I managed to lose the cheque enclosed and I think that is probably a good thing.

And, believe it or not, only a few tears have escaped. I think I need time alone so I can let them go. But right now - my commitments to work, this family, my friends, my colleagues and even the dogs don't allow for such an indulgence.

Oh! MOTH told one of my friends about Jane's shoplifting. And I have had to endure her pleasure in my failure. If you have a friend who works and has just an hour for lunch - don't take your children to her house to laugh at her demise during that time. It is extra mean. The lunch hour recipient cannot eat - because she couldn't eat in front of people and couldn't be assed cooking for you and yours...and she will be starving later when she is working a 9 1/2 hour day.

And it is easy to gloat when you feel more secure. Trying to force me to concede that your advice that the child encouraging Jane was bad... wont endear you to me. Normally I try to let it go that this friend loves to see me (or anyone) failing.. and sometimes I can just let it go.

But this particular week I could of killed MOTH for telling. He of course, cannot understand why I bit his head off for telling her the truth about where I was Saturday afternoon when I should of been preparing for their visit. Why he couldn't of just said I had a case of herpes/ syphilis or gonorrhea and had to go to hospital is beyond me.

It would of been easier to live down.

Pride is an awful thing. Swallowing it is just dreadful. It has all just made me feel terribly tired. And I cant sleep I have too much to do - and when I do have time to sleep I just cant. It is dreadfully easy to convince yourself that your children are magnificent and not see their faults. It is awfully difficult to listen to anyone tell you that your children have faults.

The police called today at work for Jane's interview. My friend and colleague and also the mother of the other shoplifter involved took the call and the dates for the appointments with the police detectives. Jane could be just cautioned because she has no priors. But it appears she has taken the blame for the lot. The interview date is when she will be at her fathers - so we will have to organise for her to catch the train back for it or maybe the interview can be at Rockhampton. I dont know. I guess that is just another thing on my urgent "to do" list.

I am never sure if Jane shows remorse or if she is just acting what she thinks I expect her to act. But as she stares at the ceiling when I mention anything connected to any of this... I wonder if she actually thinks about anything at all. Maybe my daughters were simply beautiful in white nighties at bed time and ... along the way I forgot to teach them stuff I really should of.

I still refuse to believe Jane needs drugs. I still refuse the labels and I still utterly believe she is just (on occasion) a naughty little girl. Her alleigences are misguided and her devotion to children and people with their own problems could be commendable if they were directed in the right direction. I dont think she understands that her own behaviour could jeapordise what she is actually best at.

I think I just indulged Anna too many times so that she can be as rude as she wants to me. And it all just went way too far. She is advertising her move to Rockhampton as happily as one can - even though she has thrown tantrums every time I have mentioned I want to leave this town for the last four years.

Do not kow tow to your children. Seventeen years goes so very fast. By all means consider their happiness.. but dont make that the ultimate decision. Because the little ingrates will bite you. And so they should if you were so stupid.

Time goes by.. so quickly

2007-12-16T20:47:00.000+10:00

Well. I don't know where to start! So very much has happened and some of it extremely unpleasant.

So - in a nutshell.

1) I broke my toe. No wonderful funny interesting story for you - I just kicked it on the way back from getting a drink of water in the middle of the night and broke it. I am a sook - and it caused me a great deal of misery.

2) MOTH lost his job. But in true form - he got a new one he seems to enjoy immensely. I don't think they do a terrible amount of hard work at this new job and he now works basically the same hours a week I do...

3) MOTH has been catching mudcrabs galore and we are in order to purchase a new bigger boat shortly.

4) I attended a work party at Great Keppel Island. The very first time I willingly took myself away from Anna, Jane, William and MOTH and went out with girls. (Ok women) I never did that - I always just stayed with them. When the children did visit their father I always just stayed with MOTH and usually at home. The island was beautiful. My workmates can drink me under the table. Which they did.

4) William graduated Primary school and we bought him a new push bike. Combined Christmas, well done for school, getting ready for high school and just... thanks for being a son who rarely causes me grief - type of gift.

He contributed some of his own money towards it and I have a feeling his bike cost more than my car is worth.

5)Anna (daughter no2) and I had a terrible fight wherein the result is she has now moved out of home. More on that later. But the fact is she is of age to move out if she so wishes - she refuses to live under our rules and her school work is so dismal, her "me, me, me" philosophy became unbearable and no longer amusing. It certainly isn't the ending I wanted but in saying that.. I can see she is eager to begin her adult life. I need to adjust my life to accepting that. And I have some good ideas on how to achieve that.

6) Jane (daughter no3) must of felt she was somehow missing out on something here - so she chose to shoplift for the local scumbags yesterday at our local mall. (Incase anyone is curious and knows the situation - yep believe it or not the Yowyeh girls) She and my friends daughter chose to steal baby items to the value of around $150 from the store. The girls are to be formally interviewed this week and Jane can hope she wont be charged and just cautioned because she has no priors. That is up to the detectives discretion though.

A horrible addition to the story is that the girl on the checkout at the store they stole from was instantly dismissed on the assumption she knew the girls and what they were up to. The poor check out girl was (I feel) just a victim of knowing naughty girls.

More embarrassing humiliating stuff. And a wonderful way to spend your Saturday afternoon and evening.

7) Anna decided to go live with her father in Rockhampton and complete her studies there. I heard about this on the grapevine.

8) When I chastised Jane for her stealing - and told her she was welcome to join her sister... she opted to take that option.She has told me she has resigned from her position at the local supermarket.

9) Both girls are acting self righteous and content in their decisions.

10) I went and bought myself a beautiful dinner setting - I figure there are definitely going to be benefits to this. I had to use Mastercard because it takes me a couple of working days to transfer cash into my working account.

I am sad - I am scared for them and I am surprised at the finality of something I always knew was going to happen, just didn't expect it yet. I always thought Anna was way smarter than this. I also suspect both my girls are just thinking of their best interests and that their father is suddenly feeling generous and offering them monetary value stuff.

Confessions of a bad citizen....

2007-11-25T20:14:00.000+10:00

I truly had every intention of voting yesterday.

As I made sure youngest daughter was ready for her first real day at the deli at the local IGA supermarket - I thought to myself... must vote today.

As I crept back into bed and had some extra sleep because it is weekend.. I thought to myself - must vote today.

When I got back out of bed to tidy the house for the inspection of our fire alarms by the landlady - I thought to myself - must vote today.

When I went to the butchers; came home and unpacked all the meat for the freezer and returned back out to the supermarket, unpacked that and started the washing - I thought to myself - must vote today.

While my house was full of boys playing on the Xbox and PS2 and I was tripping over them trying to organize the house - I thought to myself - must vote today.

After cooking lunch at the washing up sink I thought to myself - must vote today.

Organizing some pictures I wanted to paint on the windows at work for the children as I waited for the girls to finish work - I thought to myself - must vote today.

Whilst taking Anna on her driving lesson (and enduring a couple of very close calls to parked cars - she has SO got to learn depth and measurement type stuff) and explaining why her theory of putting the blinker on 300 meters before a corner because that way it is only gear change and steering she has to think about is still just not the way to do it.. we actually drove past a couple of polling booths and the one I was going to get her to stop out she seemed a little stressed by the drivers of cars opening their doors as she drove past... and I told her to go straight ahead. Once again the intention was there.

While attending one of those awful buy stuff "parties" (such a terrible use of the word party)and then visiting the art show at the Botanical Gardens (which turned out to not be the one I wanted to see - that one had shut yesterday) I thought to myself - must vote today.

Then buying some seedlings for the garden and discussing silicon for our leaking boat, and coming home and fiddling around with that stuff - I again thought to myself - must vote today.

I started cooking chicken parmigiana and the fresh carrots and beans from our garden for the family - and again I thought - must vote today.

At the dinner table - William's friend Damien was sleeping over and he asked me ... "Who did you vote for?" and I looked at the time....

OH SHIT. I think that is gunna cost us $150.

Joy rang me at 10 pm really excited about the Labor victory. She was so excited and at her local electorate Labor candidates celebration party I decided it wasn't the right time to confess my crime. When she rang I was in the middle of resizing Finding Nemo characters to paint on the wall for the two year olds at work.

Then earlier I checked on some of my favorite blogs and of course every other citizen at least has an opinion.

I am a Labor supporter usually. I wasn't all that fussed with the Labor candidate in our electorate because of my families dealings with his family (ok namely I didn't like his sons visiting my daughters late at night when they were only 13, I find the boys rude and obnoxious and I once attended a job interview at his office and found his attitude egotistical and obnoxious and reminded me why I hate working for lawyers) On the other hand - I should be the LAST person to point the finger at parents for their children's behavior, and I am aware this candidate does do some lovely charity work.(So do I actually - I am the eternal volunteer it is just I really don't seem to have any ambition other than a bigger boat and more holidays)

I still had every intention of voting Labor. And it is the thought that counts. At one stage I agreed to hand out flyer's at the polling booth for an hour too - but I managed to avoid that person ever since and they didn't find me.

Shit. $150. I could of bought lobsters, smoked salmon, oysters, prawns and bubbly and still had change and shared it with MOTH & the kids and even a girlfriend or two and her family..... Shit...

I noticed Scorpy and others had interesting comments both for and against Howard. I always admired his eloquence. I think I am a Labor voter simply because I find it difficult to admit I am probably more a Green's supporter and I come from a working class background and hope that the Labor party will protect me and mine more so than the Liberals. I do understand how horrid it is when you cannot fire someone because of rules and unions etc but I would more sympathize with an individual who lost from the Industrial Relations changes.

Or - I just no longer give a shit about politics. Any system is always going to have flaws. The flaws are more likely to give me a headache than anyone. But - I reckon if I can still float on the water and look at the birds.... if I can still play with the kids and marvel at their intelligence.. if I can still appreciate good food and seek company that will make me feel comfortable.. that will do...

Meet my nephew Logan

2007-11-25T19:33:00.000+10:00

He is wearing Anna's brand new hair extensions she bought the day with Jeanette at Paddy's markets.

I said to him.... "Do you go to preschool?"

Logan said... "Yes!"

I said ... "How many days a week do you go to preschool?"

Logan said... "100"

Hmmm... I bet we have all had weeks just like that.

We were playing "I spy" in the car. Logan said.. "I spy with my little eye something beginning with P"

Jane - "Purple flowers!"

Melissa - "Patterson's curse!"

William - "pretty flowers"

Christian - "potholes!"

Jane - "pigs!"

Melissa - "park brake"

William - "passengers"

etc

etc...

We give up..... the answer was ROAD. Don't play I spy with someone who cheats! (Or cant spell yet, whatever!)

When Christian took Sparky the dog into the Dog on the Tuckerbox statue Logan seemed fascinated with the money in the fountain. So I gave him a handful of change to put in it himself. He quickly stuck it in his pocket. I asked him if he was going to throw it into the water... and he looked at me like I was completely mad and said "No way!"
Okay in that photo from the left is my youngest daughter Jane holding my nephew Logan, my Dad, my son William, my brother Peter holding his youngest son Kyle, Christian (who strikes that pose for every formal photo?) my daughter Anna shivering in the cold but refusing to wear sensible clothes, my oldest neice Miranda and Sparky the dog.

The younger nieces were at Barellan attending a swimming carnival this day of our holiday and we met up with them later at the Temora Aviation Museum that was pretty interesting and worth attending!Raquel and Azelyn amused us in the evening gifting us pretty finger puppets they made and telling us stories.

Logan also gives me kisses and cuddles on command. Most impressive. (So delicious you could eat that one!)

Meet Sparky

2007-11-10T21:27:00.000+10:00

Sparky is my brother's border terrier. Sparky is dreadfully cute. Sparky has already won an award for "Best trick" at a dog show. His other trick that I doubt my brother and sister in law have shown is ... he humps his bedding. It is hilariously funny.

I probably didnt have to drink all that scotch when I visited my brother and sister in law. But .. oh dear oh dear - Sparky was funny as all heck.

Meet Seth

2007-11-10T21:14:00.000+10:00

Seth is the water dragon lizard that lives at my daughter Sara's house. He has never lived in the wild and his preferred abode is in Sara's shoes. He didn't like us very much.

Wonder why..... We liked him. Oh - he wont eat cockroaches either. When I offered him one I caught he looked at me ... rather annoyed and ran away.

Yep - Seth didn't like us very much at all. Maybe we smelt bad?

Meet my Grandson

2007-11-10T21:11:00.000+10:00

Jay is a "chip off the block" for sure. I already miss him heaps.

He has his grandmother's ability to pull funny faces. A trait that will serve him well.

In the middle of our holiday

2007-11-02T21:33:00.001+10:00

Our first day was driving to Tweed Heads to our dear friends house - and the second day at Wet & Wild. We had a ball.Wednesday morning we flew into Sydney and where met by my daughter Sara and her partner Chris. Three of my family opted for the Harbour Bridge Climb. I am way too wasted to work Sara's scanner so we just took a photo of the photo!
Sara, Jane, Jay, Chris and I ate lunch at the Harbour View Hotel and took photos of the adventurers as well as offering wonderful words of encouragement. (Ok so we laughed at their funny suits and waved our alcoholic drinks at them)
Then we all caught the ferry back to Manly and home to Sara's.
Today we visited a art exhibition and my cousin Jeanette gave us a wonderful guided tour of Sydney. That is William and me at one of the art thingos. Made me miss my dogs.
My oldest two daughters...... I find them both so very beautiful.
My daughter and me.... and a few extra (or 15) kilos that must go as soon as I .. have time.
My cousin Jeanette and me at Bondi Beach.

I have loads and loads of photos. Be scared. Tomorrow we head to Cootamundra. It just continues to be exciting.

Almost ready

2007-10-29T00:25:00.000+10:00

MOTH went out camping last night to catch mud crabs mostly. He came home with 7 bucks and complained about all the Jenny's he had to put back. I think 7 mud crabs are a positive sign to the start of our holidays.
Poor MOTH though - he now views the holiday as dragging him away from crab season.

I made tags for our luggage and supervised William's packing. I washed and searched for our itinerary details that went strangely missing. The latter caused a terrible mess... and I have just spent ages putting everything back where I pulled it all out of. Everything is now organised and fine.

I made labels for the dogs too that explain we are on holidays and where we live. MOTH did enhance our already 8 foot high fencing because we are worried about them.

The problem is.. the dogs don't like them at all and are trying to chew them off each other and themselves already. Buggar.

I want the house clean before I leave and... I cant see that really happening. This pc tower is going to a dear friend for some more ram, a better video card and I want a new tower now... in readiness for Vista which will happen... sometime later. So I will drag Anna's tower out here for our dog sitters to use because I have asked them to feel free to play on the Internet and watch the pay tv - just so that my dogs have some human company. And air conditioning - it is already very hot here.

One day to see Bernie and Natalie and Joy and the kids! Wednesday morning to see my daughter Sara, Chris and my grandson Jay! Five days to see one of my cousins and maybe my aunt can make it too! Six days to see my father, stepmother, brother, sister-in-law and the kids! Eight days to see my mother.

I am so excited it is ridiculous! And it is almost 1 am and I better clean the kitchen and get to bed.

The beginning of my holidays...

2007-10-27T15:32:00.001+10:00

And I have the flu. Don't stand near me when I sneeze - it is disgusting. I do recall earlier in the week the little people at work sneezing into the playdough and putting their arms up for me to cuddle them as they were covered in sneeze. I actually recall thinking "I am over being sick now - I don't need gloves or to refuse them their cuddles".

MOTH has gone camping over on one of the islands at The Narrows with a friend. I have packing, further planning and cleaning the house (so that the burglars don't think I am a slob? I guess....)

We should be leaving here around 11am for the drive to Tweed Heads with plenty of stops. Monday night at Joy's and then to Wet & Wild. I suspect MOTH doesnt want to go to the theme park - but if Joy and the kids are coming I think I can hang around for a while!

Best I stop fiddling about, sniffing and dripping and go do something constructive.

Wishing for the Little things

2007-10-24T22:26:00.000+10:00

For heavens sake Little things (I tried to spell Marylana over a dozen times before I gave up and declared myself an idiot speller)please add me to whatever has to be added to.

I miss your eloquence, honesty and I.. well I just like reading your blog and wondering how much fun we would have if you lived closer.

Anna got her learners permit this week

2007-10-21T21:24:00.000+10:00

Wednesday afternoon Anna got her learners permit to drive. She rang me very excited from the registry office as she waited for the license to be issued. As they handed her her license she complained to me on the telephone the photograph was not flattering. Then she made her way to my work to show me and my colleagues her prized possession.

She got herself to and from the Department of Transport after school. My daughter is in no way perfect but I love the way she does what she has to.

Today I took a break from some homework I have to do as a job requirement and took the kids to the Botanical gardens for lunch and to feed the ducks etc. MOTH left early for fishing and by midday I was sick of sitting and answering boring questions.

Anna and Jane babysat one of the kids from my work last night and were paid handsomely for something they thoroughly loved doing.

Time for your driving lesson Anna!

She is doing very well - learning in a manual and being bored to death with the start/stop, feel and learn the clutch and the gears... stall, kangaroo hop and sometimes get it right. She has not complained or gotten frustrated at me yet. Unfortunately she can tell when I get frustrated with her. I think that is because it IS Anna - and I don't tend to hide my feelings to her. I hide them to anyone else. I get worried when she stalls too often because MOTH raved on and on about how the clutch was due to die soon and the cost of driving for so many hours. Shortly afterwards though he filled my car with petrol and is definitely competing with me on which parent can be available for driving lessons.

MOTH and I are actually competing on who gets to take her out most often for her lessons. We are sadder than I thought.

By late next week she will be on the roads confident and competent. With a proud mother and stepfather beaming happily at our success.

In Queensland she has to complete 60 hours of driving before she can get her Provisional license and drive alone. So every day MOTH and I fit what we can into driving with her to complete her log book.

One more week till our holidays and during them my father will take her for lessons too! I don't want her driving an automatic car until she has mastered a manual no matter how easy they are to drive.

I want my studies to be in advance before I go. I hate doing them because they are so boring. It is kiddy stuff that we all know so there is little to interest me whilst doing it.

I want detailed and informative information for my replacement at work to ensure that my gorgeous children are all cared for as well and smoothly as possible. It is odd how anxious I feel about them. I am pretty sure writing threats to my replacement as to what I will do with them if they make any of my children even remotely unhappy is not a good idea. Somehow I will have to just convey that feeling to the workplace.

William attends school camp on the week we return and I need to organise some things for that.

I will need to cull Anna's packing by 90%. Otherwise the plane wont take off. I think Jane will pack nothing as usual so that we have to replace everything she needs. William cannot be trusted to pack even his shoes. I put presents for my grandson in a safe place and now I cannot find them.

Sara spent her 22nd birthday in hospital with cysts on her ovary - and I wish we were already there.

I havent managed to assist Jane with healthy eating or exercising - but she did walk herself to her job Saturday morning even though we offered to drive her if she woke us before 6am. She wasnt too unreasonable this weekend. She had a mosquito on her arm today and I slapped it - and told her "There - now you CAN tell people I hit you." I dont think her boss is paying her - but I cant discuss it with her because she gets so angry with me. OK - all I could do is tell her not to do it. I am a rotten example there because I often do volunteer work.

Last night Meg and the kids came around and after a shared bottle of wine we made fools out of ourselves on Singstar (Playstation game) and had heaps of fun.

Meg and her kids are going to look after our dogs while we are away. Although I trust them - I am anxious for my spoilt dogs. They dont like to be alone. They are big and dumb and spoilt. They act as if I have committed crimes when they are alone for four hours. I come home from work every day for lunch mostly to tend to their personalities. They like climate control and sofas and blankets. Food warmed and snacks in between meals. Dotti cries when she has fleas. I lazily let the dogs chase the car instead of walking them as often as I can/should. They often chew up or dig up stuff if I am late or in some way negligent.

Shame the kids at work and the dogs cant come with me for my holiday. I would feel so much better.

Happy Birthday Sara

2007-10-11T21:22:00.000+10:00

Sara turned 22 today. My oldest daughter... With a baby of her own.

I don't have to wish her happiness and love. She has the brains and beauty to find her happiness and know she is loved.

The exciting bit is only 2 weeks until we will all be down there together again. I last saw them in February for daughter No 2's 16th birthday.

Two weeks till we drive to Tweed Heads and visit our beloved friends there. Then fly to Sydney and my daughter, her spouse and my grandson - Harbour bridge climb; the girls head to Justin Timberlake's concert and the whole touristy thing there! We are going to visit my cousins and maybe see some Aunts and Uncles. Then hire a car and drive south to see my father and step mother and show my kids where I played when I was young. Then a magnificent feast at my Mama's in Bowral. The zoo and sushi train with my grandson. The whole tourist thing with the kids in Sydney.

Mostly - just chilling with all my kids and some music and giggles. Arguing about what is fashionable or daggy - in anything and everything.

It is so close now it is kinda scary. I keep fretting over my itinerary. I have prepaid many things. Two weeks just doesn't seem long enough.

Different storms...

2007-10-11T20:33:00.001+10:00

Hot and muggy all day. But right now it is gorgeous with lovely rain and a brief electrical storm and display earlier. I love to watch storms. I guess everyone does really.

The storm waited until I was home from work too.. which meant that the afternoon was outdoors - so much happier kids! I want the rain to stop before morning whereas MOTH of course wants the rain to continue - he doesn't work in the rain.

After work we took a workmate to the local mall to show her how to use the digital camera photo kiosks. My workmate is from the Philippines and has recently bought the camera so she can show her mother back home the photos. A week or more ago I went to her house to help her set up her printer.

At the mall MOTH found a keyboard at Big W that was priced ok - and Jane has wanted one for some time. The discussion was about putting it away for Christmas. I knew that was unlikely to happen - I always ruin secrets like that because I cannot wait. I didn't of course - and gave it to her immediately on our return from home.

She was so pleased she cheerfully cooked and assembled hamburgers for dinner. Smiling and gracious checking that the family members had enough to eat!

It feels weird because of course the past behaviour doesn't warrant any treat and certainly not a big one. I want her to behave just so I can buy the rest of the PlayStation2 Singstar games! We bought her that for her birthday and we all have had fun playing on it.... I look forward to the rest of the games and I NEVER play games on the machines.

Wonder if tomorrow morning Jane will happily get out of bed and get ready for school without a major carry on? Maybe she will speak to us and not spend hours in her room or try to sneak onto the internet at midnight? Maybe she wont fight with her siblings!

MAYBE it was money well spent. Or ....MAYBE I am still a complete schmuck.

The school holidays

2007-10-10T22:23:00.000+10:00

William spent the first week with his father in Rockhampton. Oh - look Tom is currently running second in the trainer premierships! Next holidays I should make all the kids visit!

Actually I tried that these holidays - but the girls refused to budge. I was aware he had won a few races.

I took William and his mates to the movies.. Jane declined to go to and so I let William take another mate with him.

One lunch hour of mine my kids Anna & Will (and Damien) met me at work and we went to KFC and then to the duckpond to feed the critters.

My youngest daughter had been fighting with her siblings and refusing to dress or get out of bed before midday so sadly she didnt attend this with us. I have a feeling it hurts me more than it hurts her.

Anna and I work at places 200 metres apart - and she started work when my lunch hour finished. Because of the nature of school holidays the lunch was hurried because I had to be late... long boring story about rubbish that shouldnt happen.

Just another reason I like dogs. And small people.

We went ski tubing and picnicking. That was mostly fun but there was a little bit of a disaster. Well - ok in my mind a big disaster.
When my friend and her daughter indicated they wanted to go on a boat ride and I used what I thought was tactful comments about how the two year old couldn't go on the boat because of the lack of a suitable floatation device..... it didn't work. And so when I realised he was indeed on the dam without it I... went and called MOTH in and blasted the snot out of him. I don't need words to blast MOTH anymore - he was completely aware how mad I was. I gave him a mouthful later just because I can.

It was MOTH's birthday.

When my grandson was here.. that law wasn't so strict. You certainly had a duty of care and had to carry floatation devices... but the law has changed since. My son Will is somewhat short for his age and attracts the attention of those who patrol such laws... I suspect the floatation devices we bought for my grandsons use would not pass the laws now about children on boats. But anyway we didn't have them. I think they are here but I don't think they would pass the new laws anyway. I know they don't have the ratings on them they need to pass the laws. By new laws I am talking two or three years old. And we just didn't risk my grandson on the boat three years ago.

I know accidents almost never happen. I know all of that. But I do know if they happen the consequences can be huge. I have lost the ability to take mad risks.

I was really wild though. Had MOTH been pulled up with mother and child without the required stuff - he does his car license as well as his boat license. I took it all out on MOTH. It is his license after all. His fine. Trust me these people aren't gunna pay you back the fine.

And I guess I started the day wild enough that the child didn't have a suitable car seat.

Believe it or not the whole story gets worse. I will write about it.. but I think just hashing this tonight has been enough.

It was meant to be a fun day. It ended up a disaster day. I stood there thinking what the fuck am I doing? I am allowing disasters to be a potential by fostering relationships that are not healthy for me. I adore MOTH and he thinks he is doing what I want when he accommodates my friends.

I don't care how brilliant a mother you think you are. How brilliant a swimmer or diver. You lose your kid in a dam that big... you are toast. Sink in it yourself... it isn't long before you cant see daylight and it is so so big. My daughter and I spent ages buying and tying my grandson into his floatation devices. We bought two cause we couldn't make up our minds.

And I might be being pessimistic. But I also read the paper and always cry at the small children lost out of stupidity.

I KNOW my friends love their kid. I KNOW my friends have many lovely qualities.. but I am wild with them. Really wild.

And I dont want to be wild.

How a lousy $50 messed up my week

2007-10-10T22:03:00.000+10:00

Over the holidays my youngest daughter Jane babysat some children that attend my works after school care program. I was surprised and somewhat concerned when I noticed Jane had some financial issues – she refused attending the movies with the family (I was shouting but her attitude meant I didn’t elaborate that fact) and then another issue with the girls requirement of expensive footwear when I will only pay for basic footwear – and Jane went without. I suspected the mother of the children she babysits had not paid her and therefore I was annoyed with the mother….

My annoyance reached a crescendo that highlighted my madness on Monday morning when the mother rang at 6.20 am and asked Jane to babysit the children as they were sick – even though Jane is attending her last formal year of junior high school and school resumed that day. By the time Jane informed me of this fact – and I am heading out the door to pick up a workmates 3 year old and start work at 8 am myself…the difficulty of being able to pick and choose your fights with a troubled teenager.. and with a few words chosen straight from the gutter of the fishdocks I didn’t choose to drag Jane to school and let her proceed to her babysitting job.

Even though I had a hankering that something was very amiss with Jane’s finances.

Turns out Jane had lent one of my friends $50 and this had caused her poverty during the school holidays. Apparently one of my friends had taken Jane to a mothers group Monday week past and had a transaction declined at a store. Jane offered the money immediately.

Another example of Jane being the beautiful person that she is. Jane can be taciturn, willful, deceitful, hell she can tell damn ass lies about us…she can be lazy, she can be violent towards her siblings; but…. Sometimes – especially with children, animals sick or the elderly she can be so caring and lovely. Give you her last $50 (it nearly bloody was because I was getting ready to give her boss a mouthful for not paying her)

Jane did not tell me about the transaction because… well I am not entirely sure why. Why my friend didn’t tell me about the damn thing… annoys me too. My friend is not particularly good at remembering her debts. I cringe when she asks me to buy her cigarettes or something and she will pay me back. There is a good 50% chance she will somehow forget or manage to jip you with some “deal” to repay it. Always a good chance you wont see the money when it was promised to you. It IS only money and I remind myself that is not what is important to me.

Anyway – I put the money into Jane’s account. And I fielded a weird phone call this morning before 8am from my friend requesting stuff she insisted on lending me months ago that I am sure went back inside her resume folder I was working on at the time. She had wanted me to use it for a selection criteria for myself that I was not very interested in doing. It was the worksheets and information from years ago when we both did a volunteer course for a local organization that I thought was all crap then.

There is more. And in the weird way of blogging it will all probably come out back to front. Life feels like that a bit to me at the moment. It is completely back to front to go to work and see smiles and receive hugs to the knees, giggles and growth and then to feel hammered when I go home… to three teenagers fighting all watching pay tv, playing on the internet or on xbox or ps2 telling me what they want (that they interpret as need). Sometimes I take it out on the dogs or MOTH. Not that they are perfect either, and of course I am so far from perfect it horrifies me….

I wonder if it is too late to teach MOTH and the dogs not to eat on the sofas? Sure would beat yelling at them. I don’t know why I never remember Dotti is deaf when I yell at her.

2007-09-30T21:04:00.000+10:00

Robyn visited us this weekend. Travelling without her children (Josh playing tennis tournaments and Sheridan on a school excursion in Italy) she arrived shortly after I got home from work Friday. I was tired as usual but pleased to see my friend and eager to catch up. Robyn's life direction seems so apart from my own that I had worried seeing her this time would be difficult. It wasnt at all. Talking to someone on MSN or occasionally getting distraught text messages or phone calls is not the same as in person. In person... she is still beautiful, compassionate, caring , funny and someone I enjoy being with.

So naturally enough we went fishing on Saturday.

That is her foot and line.... behind MOTH has caught something odd that fights well... are you guessing?

Only a baby but with the tail and barb and quite annoyed anyways....
You have to click on that photo and zoom.. the tail was quite long but I guess the damn thing wouldnt stay still and the flexibility of the tail so good... it was all curved up. Line was cut and off he swam.

We drove up Calliope River, fished a little, talked a lot and enjoyed the scenery.

Robyn is a fisherwoman who will adhere to the no fuss fishing rule some men like - and will sit over the boat and tinkle when necessary. I wont and require being taken to a public toilet or at very least a sandbank that I can go find a private place. We had been out since 11 and it was close to 4 pm when I decided I wanted to go home. MOTH is completely aware it mostly means I want to go to the loo.

He made a choice to drop me off at the boat ramp - I did consider objecting but felt I was being unfair to take my friend for a "quick" cruise up to see the harbour in the boat. So - without money, phone or shoes I climbed out of the boat and headed for the public toilets while they drove off for their cruise. And the damn sandflies swarmed me. I had nothing to get away from them... no insect repellent, no keys to get into our car, nothing. And they bloody hurt. So I decided to start walking... wrote a note in my lipstick that MOTH and Robyn could barely read... it meant to read "silly standing in sandflies.. walking".

My feet are ridiculously tender from working in sandshoes every day. I was bad tempered but still... in an understanding mood... the sandflies cannot possibly be MOTH's fault. The forty five minute stranded alone on a god damn boat ramp and walking along a highway in bare feet however.... somewhat made me worse tempered. I actually know in his head he was doing the right thing looking after the happiness of my friend. He has NO idea how I felt or how scared and vulnerable and miserable I felt. And little things like this have happened forever during our 12+ year relationship.

You would think I would of learnt by now how to not let myself be so vulnerable.

At home best attempts to restore temper... and .... well I am still scratching.

Robyn left for a family function this morning at about 7.30 am and to continue her journey that I am sure will be lots of fun.

We have been babysitting our friends Hope & Christian's dog Joe for the past fortnight and they came to reclaim him this morning too. So - I made kebabs with steak, mushroom, capsicum, onion, cherry tomatoes and marinade, cooked sausages and eggs and heated baked beans.... and we made it into an occasion.

Christian and Joe in the background. (MOTH's name is also Christian and my oldest daughters beau's name is Chris - just to create extra chaos..)
It was a pleasant brunch. Holiday snaps and tales shared. The white dog is of course our Dotti.

And the food and wine flowed just as I like it too.

Both my friends have wise and helpful advise on what to do with my troubles with my daughter and somewhat inharmonious? home. I choose to thank them both and dismiss the suggestions anyway.

Catch of the day

2007-09-23T19:23:00.000+10:00

Moth and I went fishing today. This is our catch.

The bat fish up the top will be used next weekend (or the weekend after) in the crab pots as bait. The others were eaten tonight.. stuffed with parsley, coriander and kaffir lime leaves and baked on the bbq. Served with chunky potato chips and salad - freshest lettuce leaves straight from my garden.

Five hours of just MOTH, Rocky the wonderdog and me on the water.

School holidays again. My son William has gone to his fathers in Rockhampton. His father won three races last thursday so hopefully is feeling generous to his kids!? The girls are staying home due to work commitments... I just hope things go smoothly. It is the best I can do!

Cant make this post sound sane... it isnt

2007-09-20T19:37:00.000+10:00

It has been a very odd time. My reactions to my youngest daughter's actions are far from perfect. There are occasions I can be compassionate and eager to find solutions... and other times when I have to compete with my own blind fury at her actions (most notably the cutting herself but there are other incidents of self injury .. it could make me rave on forever) and stop myself from shouting at her "You bloody IDIOT!"

A couple of occasions I have indeed blurted those words. And although I regret them for the hurt it causes her.. I still meant them?

A horrid night wherein one of our verbal arguments led me to tell her to move to her fathers.... to which she accepted... and I think both of us immediately regretted but neither could back down.

I went fishing with MOTh early the next morning and wished I knew how to use the new mobile phone texting thingimigig... I wanted to text her sisters to convince Jane to change her mind.

Life continues to be busy... and mostly happy. But it is head banging how Jane keeps making decisions that make no sense and have no logic and can be so absolutely terrifying.

In an effort to win friends and influence people she told people at school she was bisexual. Jane hasn't got a clue about her sexuality yet - she thought it sounded cool. It means she has to endure further ridicule at school. She is using the family drawer money (money that is for bus fare and milk or bread or urgent supplies while we are at work) to buy tuck shop instead of packing lunch meaning that her siblings have no access to these funds. She lays on her bed or the sofa and refuses to do chores until I get home from work prompting huge arguments with her siblings. They accuse her of assaults and deceits.... They strike and or dissent in their own ways.

MOTH feels challenged because my attention isn't being spread to the levels it should be. I am annoyed when I get home and the house is a mess and I am not putting my usual effort into cooking for my family. My efforts towards our personal life are pretty lacking too. Sometimes I just go straight to my room with the dogs and beg for privacy from the human family.

I sometimes feel odd as I walk home tired from work and realise that my normal reaction to being home - elated and relieved and happy has been replaced by fear and a desire to turn around and walk back to work.

I dont understand why Jane was put on such a strong anti depressant in the first place. (She has taken herself off it three times now and this time I have again decided.. no drugs)

I THINK that Jane decided to become depressed because she was impressed by the attention a fellow student was receiving who suffered depression. I cant MAKE Jane exercise. I cant MAKE her feed the ducks, go for a swim or a boat ride, listen to music and talk crap for hours with a great friend or take joy out of the little things in life that can make you so happy. She claims the cutting herself is because she finds herself unattractive and fat. She cannot lose weight lying on the sofa or bed. It is very hard to look attractive with slices all over your body. She can have moments of being a wonderful loving daughter who can make me laugh and make me proud of her.

She can send me into a blind fury where I want to slap her.. and hard. She can take apathy and laziness into levels never even thought of before. I can offer her my debit card to walk into town and buy the clothes she claims she needs and cannot seem to launder herself or remember to put in with mine and her siblings every evening... and she wont ever take the offer up. Tells other people how horrid I am that I refuse to drive her.

My car is actually in the shop being fixed. I forget what is wrong with it. It is expensive anyway. A gasket or something like that.

And if you tell me or any other member of my family.... here is the money - go get your new stuff but you have to walk maybe a kilometre to get it.. you wont see us for dust! Martyrdom doesn't sit very well with me. It can however send me into a fury.

And her sadness just kills me. Her cuts just hurt me. Her belief she is not beautiful absolutely sends me insane. Her life indoors; the every single morning battle to get her out of bed and go to school; Anna and William getting wild at her.... MOTH losing his temper with my not doing anything about it.... It is simply very very hard. I cant force her.. I am a little frightened of her myself.

We are dogsitting a friends dog at the moment. Surprisingly, Jane seems to enjoy looking after this dog. I have had to treat all three dogs for ticks and fleas...Poor Joe was rotten infested with both and my friends seemed to think a cheap treatment would work.....

This dog is not used to life as one of us... and is nervous but excited at living where ever he wants... The owners did tell me not to let him inside for more than an hour a day.... but what the heck where they thinking? So Joe has endured two baths and one expensive flea and tick treatment. My dogs have taught him that there is no need to flee from humans and infact the place for all dogs to stand sit or lay is in fact.. directly where you think the humans could be wanting to be. Joe has learnt beds and sofas are definately better than the holes he dug in the backyard to sleep in. Joe dug out all the aloes from out the front garden in the first few days. He made a bed out of what we call the paper plants out the back. But now he just sleeps on the sofa. Or with Jane. Jane spent the first few days protecting him from our dogs who dont mind a good dog fight.

Anyway - the kids at work make me forget all of this for a little. We paint and playdoh, we toilet train and we miss heaps, we pull faces and we delight in bugs and flying insects, we laugh and we cry; we count and we can name colours & shapes sometimes...the kids copy me when I say "Oh dear, oh dear" and it makes me roar and soar laughing.... I pat their backs to make them sleep and later if they think I am sad or angry they try to pat my back....and I love every second of them. When it creeps into my head one day they will be teenagers I make myself think of something else.

I have also taught them all to tell me that I am a very good singer.

Thank Dog for small children.

Somethings are just too hard to understand

2007-09-11T22:12:00.000+10:00

I have thought of many things I would like to write about. Some good, some bad. Some I found funny, some I found sad.

But my youngest daughter has continued with cutting herself...last week her stomach and her legs... and I find it hard to focus on anything for long. I found out about that lot by noticing her MSN nickname was EMO EMO CUT CUT CUT....