Or my arse is on show.
Kinda similar!
I adore my partner. But he has the ability of my mother to absolutely speak over me. It doesnt matter what I am trying to say they just talk louder and over me. I usually attempt to speak another two times and if they keep speaking over me... I just stop talking - get very sad, they never ever notice and I find a way to go away quietly when I really want to scream.
I got terribly jealous last week when I read a home carer's diary of one of my kids. She takes the kids to feed the ducks and stuff. I don't. I am barely allowed to let them get dirty.
Hurts are Hurts. Little or big.
Ducks' Ditty
All along the backwater,
Through the rushes tall,
Ducks are a-dabbling,
Up tails all!
Ducks' tails,
drakes' tails,
Yellow feet a-quiver,
Yellow bills all out of sight
Busy in the river!
Slushy green undergrowth
Where the roach swim—
Here we keep our larder,
Cool and full and dim.
Everyone for what he likes!
We like to be
Heads down,
tails up,
Dabbling free!
High in the blue aboveSwifts whirl and call—
We are down a-dabbling
Up tails all!
I wish I was allowed to play with the kids like that.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Monday, June 01, 2009
Highs and Lows - Ebbs and weaves
I deleted this one because I worried I could get in trouble for commenting on truths! But it is funny how when you write something down and get it all into perspective - it just FEELS better. An action plan of sorts.
Or probably, in my case - inaction!
We are going to the Gold Coast to stay at a holiday resort in a tiny cabin for three days and attend dear friends engagement party on the Saturday night. We will go to Dreamworld on the Sunday and shop the rest of the time before driving home Monday.
That is my focus for the week. That and making sure my kids at work are happy. They will be.
Right! I better get ready for work!
Or probably, in my case - inaction!
We are going to the Gold Coast to stay at a holiday resort in a tiny cabin for three days and attend dear friends engagement party on the Saturday night. We will go to Dreamworld on the Sunday and shop the rest of the time before driving home Monday.
That is my focus for the week. That and making sure my kids at work are happy. They will be.
Right! I better get ready for work!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Redecorating - Povo style
Long time no post a waffle - I know.
Heaps has happened, and no Anna (my second daughter) still doesn't have her driver's license despite numerous threats of throwing her out of home, never giving her another lift etc. She has started a new dreadful habit when I take her out driving on her Learner's plates. She makes sound effects like "Woahhhhhhhhhhhh" when she brakes and "Arghhhhhhhhh" when she turns a corner or merges with traffic. The driving instructor is just going to LOVE that. Worse than when she used to take her hands off the wheel if she thought I was nagging her and say "Look Mum I am a good driver... no hands!"
My Mama gifted me with a patchwork quilt just before Christmas and since then Christian and I have painted our bedroom and started the decorating. The house we live in is about the same size as a postage stamp, so it is nice for me to have a retreat.
The frogs on the dressing table were a gift from Sara (oldest daughter) for Mother's Day. There is a story to that.
Yes - I know I have neglected that wardrobe for too long. I will give it some attention at the end of the month when I have some holidays. I haven't applied a coat of shellac to it since I let the chickens live in it when we first moved to Gladstone.
Oh - I could of turned that picture around and cleaned the mirror I guess.
The my retreat idea actually didn't work. When I come home and sit in my little chair... family tend to follow me in there and sit on the bed and computer chair.
We have also built a safe area for our outdoor setting and a few more gardens. Rocky (the dog) kept digging underneath our outdoor table and we were afraid he could topple it and it would kill him. And he also kept embarrassing me when I hosted any meal outside because he would flick dirt all over the guests feet.
Heaps has happened, and no Anna (my second daughter) still doesn't have her driver's license despite numerous threats of throwing her out of home, never giving her another lift etc. She has started a new dreadful habit when I take her out driving on her Learner's plates. She makes sound effects like "Woahhhhhhhhhhhh" when she brakes and "Arghhhhhhhhh" when she turns a corner or merges with traffic. The driving instructor is just going to LOVE that. Worse than when she used to take her hands off the wheel if she thought I was nagging her and say "Look Mum I am a good driver... no hands!"
My Mama gifted me with a patchwork quilt just before Christmas and since then Christian and I have painted our bedroom and started the decorating. The house we live in is about the same size as a postage stamp, so it is nice for me to have a retreat.
The frogs on the dressing table were a gift from Sara (oldest daughter) for Mother's Day. There is a story to that.
Yes - I know I have neglected that wardrobe for too long. I will give it some attention at the end of the month when I have some holidays. I haven't applied a coat of shellac to it since I let the chickens live in it when we first moved to Gladstone.
Oh - I could of turned that picture around and cleaned the mirror I guess.
The my retreat idea actually didn't work. When I come home and sit in my little chair... family tend to follow me in there and sit on the bed and computer chair.
We have also built a safe area for our outdoor setting and a few more gardens. Rocky (the dog) kept digging underneath our outdoor table and we were afraid he could topple it and it would kill him. And he also kept embarrassing me when I hosted any meal outside because he would flick dirt all over the guests feet. Anna always complains that I never finish projects and there is some truth in that. But I have a new waterfall and fishpond and the birds are well cared for!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ok - somewhat calmer
I feel a little bit silly waffling like that for the past few blogs.
Our dog Rocky has to be desexed. I have to pay for him to be registered as a dangerous dog and he gets a special dangerous dog collar, a muzzle and signs that have to be erected on our fence warning of the dangerous dog.
Shame I am not allowed to put signs on the neighbours fence warning that they are idiots.
Nothings going to change. Rocky will still be ... the dog on my bed at night, my warner of intruders, my greeter at all opening of any doors.... and we can afford this. Actually - I consider him worth every cent... times a million really. I wish he liked baths but other than that... he is everything I like in a dog.
Damn shame he chose to shake the little dog. But I know he would do it again.
I adore my family. I wish they wouldn't fight. I wish some of them wouldn't choose to live so far away. It's not all days by the water having fun and mad meal times. Some of being a family happens to be... arguments and nasty comments and selfishness.. raised voices and tantrums and restless nights on the sofa until the dogs drive me nuts and I have to creep back into my own bed.
The simple fact is.. I love them.
BUT.. get this. My works gone a bit crazy of late. Insecurity that I think is due to outside pressures that myself and my coworkers have no power to control has .... hmmmm dampened spirits?
But our numbers of children have been low - and without children we don't have jobs. That has been picking up daily for us. But our boss has decided to shuffle the workplace arrangements to "REDUCE THE TENSION" (that's what the crazy memo says) there has been a shuffle of assistants to begin in two weeks. And I love working in my room with my group leader... and I adore the age group I have. I will be moving into the Kindy room.. so to 3-4 year olds. Most of these children I had as 22 month olds until 30 month olds and I loved them all. The woman who is the group leader in that room is lovely. So where is the catch? That woman goes on maternity leave soon. I have mucked around and not completed the qualifications I need... and it is most likely I will have to work with someone .......... for want of a better word... yucky.
I work with two year olds.
Sometimes I find their language quite appropriate.
Arghhh and Gah.
Oh - as my little blonde haired two year old often tells me... "BULLSHIT". She said that too me today... and usually I tell her not to use that word and chastise her... all I could do was nod and tell her that I agreed... it was.
Oddly enough.. she then didn't say it again.
The children are going to get a new person to look after them that I find quite cruel. Part of me thinks being with my old kids will be lovely. But I like what I do - who I work with and the wonderful age my kids are.
I really only have a few assignments to finish and attend to some idiot posters that I just hate doing for the course. I decided today I was going to have tomorrow off sick and do the damn things. And when I got home... I realised my partner has tomorrow off due to the rain and my kids will be home. If I stayed home.. I wouldnt get anything done. I would be taxi, cook, companion and mediator. Hand holder and appointment maker, general cleaner and tongue biter....
It is bullshit. I love working where I do and I should of attended to my studies. I just get too damn busy at home .... Rain is forecast for the rest of the week... how ghastly.
Our dog Rocky has to be desexed. I have to pay for him to be registered as a dangerous dog and he gets a special dangerous dog collar, a muzzle and signs that have to be erected on our fence warning of the dangerous dog.
Shame I am not allowed to put signs on the neighbours fence warning that they are idiots.
Nothings going to change. Rocky will still be ... the dog on my bed at night, my warner of intruders, my greeter at all opening of any doors.... and we can afford this. Actually - I consider him worth every cent... times a million really. I wish he liked baths but other than that... he is everything I like in a dog.
Damn shame he chose to shake the little dog. But I know he would do it again.
I adore my family. I wish they wouldn't fight. I wish some of them wouldn't choose to live so far away. It's not all days by the water having fun and mad meal times. Some of being a family happens to be... arguments and nasty comments and selfishness.. raised voices and tantrums and restless nights on the sofa until the dogs drive me nuts and I have to creep back into my own bed.
The simple fact is.. I love them.
BUT.. get this. My works gone a bit crazy of late. Insecurity that I think is due to outside pressures that myself and my coworkers have no power to control has .... hmmmm dampened spirits?
But our numbers of children have been low - and without children we don't have jobs. That has been picking up daily for us. But our boss has decided to shuffle the workplace arrangements to "REDUCE THE TENSION" (that's what the crazy memo says) there has been a shuffle of assistants to begin in two weeks. And I love working in my room with my group leader... and I adore the age group I have. I will be moving into the Kindy room.. so to 3-4 year olds. Most of these children I had as 22 month olds until 30 month olds and I loved them all. The woman who is the group leader in that room is lovely. So where is the catch? That woman goes on maternity leave soon. I have mucked around and not completed the qualifications I need... and it is most likely I will have to work with someone .......... for want of a better word... yucky.
I work with two year olds.
Sometimes I find their language quite appropriate.
Arghhh and Gah.
Oh - as my little blonde haired two year old often tells me... "BULLSHIT". She said that too me today... and usually I tell her not to use that word and chastise her... all I could do was nod and tell her that I agreed... it was.
Oddly enough.. she then didn't say it again.
The children are going to get a new person to look after them that I find quite cruel. Part of me thinks being with my old kids will be lovely. But I like what I do - who I work with and the wonderful age my kids are.
I really only have a few assignments to finish and attend to some idiot posters that I just hate doing for the course. I decided today I was going to have tomorrow off sick and do the damn things. And when I got home... I realised my partner has tomorrow off due to the rain and my kids will be home. If I stayed home.. I wouldnt get anything done. I would be taxi, cook, companion and mediator. Hand holder and appointment maker, general cleaner and tongue biter....
It is bullshit. I love working where I do and I should of attended to my studies. I just get too damn busy at home .... Rain is forecast for the rest of the week... how ghastly.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Rocky was declared dangerous
The council's letter stated that he had attacked a person.
That of course was bullshit.
The councils spokesperson said that it was just a typo.
The horrid little man said that Rocky's,,, puncturing the little dogs neck was dangerous and not necessary and I became instantly annoyed and thought of all the parents who have attacked me verbally because their kids have bite wounds, skinned knees or bumped foreheads and told me it was my fault.
The fact is... dogs are dogs. They behave like dogs. Children are children. They behave like children.
If you are a dog lover.. dont move to Gladstone. The pound keepers will put your entire dog in with a on heat pure bred bitch. We witnessed the pound keeper then kick our own dog to try get him off her.
Oh I am mad at MOTH for letting Rocky get the little dog. But I cant stay mad at the little dog no matter how often he barks and be's horrid.
Rocky has to be desexed now... and council will give him a dangerous dog collar... a muzzle and some signs for our house to say he is dangerous....and we have to pay large fees to register him.
I am so mad at MOTH. As he and Anna fight I just get more and more demented.
That of course was bullshit.
The councils spokesperson said that it was just a typo.
The horrid little man said that Rocky's,,, puncturing the little dogs neck was dangerous and not necessary and I became instantly annoyed and thought of all the parents who have attacked me verbally because their kids have bite wounds, skinned knees or bumped foreheads and told me it was my fault.
The fact is... dogs are dogs. They behave like dogs. Children are children. They behave like children.
If you are a dog lover.. dont move to Gladstone. The pound keepers will put your entire dog in with a on heat pure bred bitch. We witnessed the pound keeper then kick our own dog to try get him off her.
Oh I am mad at MOTH for letting Rocky get the little dog. But I cant stay mad at the little dog no matter how often he barks and be's horrid.
Rocky has to be desexed now... and council will give him a dangerous dog collar... a muzzle and some signs for our house to say he is dangerous....and we have to pay large fees to register him.
I am so mad at MOTH. As he and Anna fight I just get more and more demented.
Absolute paling in comparison
The news is constant with the awful stuff happening in Victoria. I remember the fires in my own hometown of Cootamundra and the ones recently when I wasnt there but I still worried....
I guess its just awful selfishness that I still worry about my own ... much lesser problems?
Jane is in Laidley... and I havent spoken to her yet. She rang Anna for the money she lent Anna but I declined to get into that telephone conversation. I hear both sides...
Today William got offered a soccer trip to the UK that would cost me... about 8 k... and I semi lost the plot because I just cant afford it. And that makes me feel bad.
On the weekend MOTH took me too Brisbane to attend to something stupid I did... and made us hurry.... (We had to pick up a computer that somehow I got wrangled with fixing when really I have never claimed to be good at hardware stuff... I barely manage with software stuff... but I wouldnt quit... and I took it to a friend who knows more and then... it had to come back.. and its still fucked)
MOTH drove through his hometown where I lived with him for a while and I didnt cope very well. I was still terrified of the place... and just so glad I escaped.
My dog Rocky was declared dangerous. I will add to that in a minute with a seperate title. My daughter Anna and my partner are fighting in a way that upsets me ... so awfully that I am scared to speak and I wish I could run away.
But I cant... I have work, my family has to live and pay bills and someone has to cook and clean...
The kids at work are lovely and so alive and clever. I love this job. It makes it so sad knowing I cant keep doing it - I cant afford to, and if I could afford to I am growing so tired of this town that I just have to leave soon. If I want things to get better I have to go back to administration. I don't think I can be a legal secretary anymore because now I do answer back. Childcare doesnt pay. Most of the workers are lovely... but oh my goodness worrying about the others is just... horrid.
My tears are selfish. I shouldnt expect to have decent relationships with the two children I barely had any impact on raising. I shouldnt cry over them.
I just dont have $8000 to send William off to the UK for soccer fun. And if I did have it... I think I could take us all for that amount of money. I am the queen of free or cheap. But he just never asks for anything.
And It felt awful telling him.. I just dont have the money. I dont have anything. I pay off a car every week I never get to drive. I dont think anyone would lend me the money to buy another one...I dont get to say what time my windows are drawn.
And the only time I got excited because I thought I had a friend of my own... she only wanted to hang around me for what MOTH can provide. And that stuff... annoys the crap out of me.
I know I am whinging way more than anyone should be allowed to... but I got one more. My apologies for my waffling.
I guess its just awful selfishness that I still worry about my own ... much lesser problems?
Jane is in Laidley... and I havent spoken to her yet. She rang Anna for the money she lent Anna but I declined to get into that telephone conversation. I hear both sides...
Today William got offered a soccer trip to the UK that would cost me... about 8 k... and I semi lost the plot because I just cant afford it. And that makes me feel bad.
On the weekend MOTH took me too Brisbane to attend to something stupid I did... and made us hurry.... (We had to pick up a computer that somehow I got wrangled with fixing when really I have never claimed to be good at hardware stuff... I barely manage with software stuff... but I wouldnt quit... and I took it to a friend who knows more and then... it had to come back.. and its still fucked)
MOTH drove through his hometown where I lived with him for a while and I didnt cope very well. I was still terrified of the place... and just so glad I escaped.
My dog Rocky was declared dangerous. I will add to that in a minute with a seperate title. My daughter Anna and my partner are fighting in a way that upsets me ... so awfully that I am scared to speak and I wish I could run away.
But I cant... I have work, my family has to live and pay bills and someone has to cook and clean...
The kids at work are lovely and so alive and clever. I love this job. It makes it so sad knowing I cant keep doing it - I cant afford to, and if I could afford to I am growing so tired of this town that I just have to leave soon. If I want things to get better I have to go back to administration. I don't think I can be a legal secretary anymore because now I do answer back. Childcare doesnt pay. Most of the workers are lovely... but oh my goodness worrying about the others is just... horrid.
My tears are selfish. I shouldnt expect to have decent relationships with the two children I barely had any impact on raising. I shouldnt cry over them.
I just dont have $8000 to send William off to the UK for soccer fun. And if I did have it... I think I could take us all for that amount of money. I am the queen of free or cheap. But he just never asks for anything.
And It felt awful telling him.. I just dont have the money. I dont have anything. I pay off a car every week I never get to drive. I dont think anyone would lend me the money to buy another one...I dont get to say what time my windows are drawn.
And the only time I got excited because I thought I had a friend of my own... she only wanted to hang around me for what MOTH can provide. And that stuff... annoys the crap out of me.
I know I am whinging way more than anyone should be allowed to... but I got one more. My apologies for my waffling.
Monday, February 02, 2009
She didn't listen.....
Saturday night as it grew late and my friend was about to leave, Jane told me that she had something important to tell me. My friend left some ten minutes later and Jane springs on me that in the morning she catches the train to join her Uncle on the extreme outskirts of Brisbane - who has agreed to help her return to school.
She kept asking me to respond... but I had nothing to respond with ... I can't say no - she will anyway. I can't say "Go with my best wishes" - because now I have to explain to MacDonald's here why Jane isn't here to accept the shifts she went to go and get... after much coercion from me. Because I don't believe she wants to go to school for the right reasons and I don't believe moving 700 kms away from her parents (not just me and her stepfather but her father too 100kms north of us)is for the benefit of the family... and because I just know too well the trauma and expense of setting her up for a new school or beginning only to find she .....
Gah.
Poor Uncle. I wonder if I ever told him how difficult it is to get her out of bed before midday? Jane gets chance No 107 (I could be overusing poetic license a little again) at basic attending school.... and achieving somewhat harmonious living.
There is an even more sinister side to it all from me than just Jane's continual betrayal and bad choices. And the ghastly bit is me. Not only do I feel the frustration and hurt at what she does... but the fact that I actually breathe a sigh of relief because it simply is easier with just Anna and William - makes me feel so very terrible. What an awful mother. I find my own daughter such a conflict.. so very strange to me... unpredictable, taciturn and absolutely unable to care about the feelings of the rest of us....that I am actually relieved (when I am not worrying about her safety) that the house is just back to us.
Anna explains it as it has always really just been us - and somehow I understand that. Doesn't make it less sad.. just makes it a bit easier to concentrate on the positives..... William just knows to come for a hug sometimes and head back to the Tardis. (That is what we have always called his room).
I don't understand or like or.... have enough patience with the self harm - the sleeping all day, the churlish remarks, the refusal to help with chores without a song and dance worthy of a slavery story, the fact I worry more than any parent should that she could be stealing.. and I feel suitably revolted in myself for feeling all of this.
And I don't know what to do to stop it all.
So instead I deal with Anna's mad plans to go blonde, attend soccer sign up with William and just deal with my week at work as best I can. Hoping no one see's too through me as a failure as a parent to two of my kids.
Monday, January 26, 2009
It isn't easy being a parent
The house we live in is the same size as a postage stamp.
Ok - Sometimes I take poetic license to extremes. But it is small.
All my younger children are home again.
That is good - because I love them and I like them near. That is also bad because three bedrooms , two proper adults (well we like to think we are), two largish dogs, one teenage boy and two teenage girls in a three bedroom house poses problems. A normal family would probably say - well the two girls share one room and the son in the other. That doesn't work here.
The girls would kill each other.
Jane got fired from MacDonald's. The maintenance worker told of the girls giving away free food... thus misappropriating... and I guess stealing from their employer. Of course it is stealing. My apologies there.
Jane tells me she wants to go back to school. Firstly we sent her to boarding school because she was difficult to make go to school... then I did the six months drag her out of bed and make her go to school thing... and then she quits and works full time... and its not that I don't think she is smart. It is not that I don't think she is smarter than most people.
It is just that she has blown chance after chance after chance.... and this time... sure come home.. sure Mum will fix it... but this time you need a vocation choice... even if it isn't her immediate choice...
And Jane don't listen to the others who tell you.... oh its ok Jane I stole - I cut myself and I didn't fight depression and fucked up.
And Jane don't listen to your stepfather who is just fed up with my antics and my children's antics and he just wants a decent boat.
And Jane don't listen to your older sister who acts like a little cuckoo bird.. you know she stinks at sharing.
Just once Jane.. listen to your mother. Just stick at something, I don't care what it is really - there are avenues to anything if you really want it... and just don't .. just don't steal.
My horror hasn't left from the first time. (Stealing I mean) First my absolute denial... when someone close warned me she was I said... No Way - not one of my kids. Then the betrayal... I stole because my parents wouldn't give me what I needed... when she was stealing stuff for babies and dolls....???? The... absolute horror of the whole thing... the female detective losing her temper with her when she refused to answer or rolled her eyes... her own solicitor getting cranky at her for her spoilt behaviour....
And this time... knowing I cant say much... but knowing just from her attitude that she doesn't seem to understand that giving her friends free food from the company... is stealing. I cant say... FOR FUCKS SAKE DO NT STEAL.... I cant make it worse.
But I gotta pretend every things just fine as I figure out how to get her some other kind of training/job... then Anna's and William's (albeit smaller but still real) problems and not lose my temper at my own job.....while my partner faces instability in his job.
She slept all day today and when she did wake... she asked me for a driving lesson just before she knew I had friends due to arrive. There was no fuel in the manual car... and it takes me ages to prepare for guests. If she had of asked me in the morning there would of been no problem.
I just feel so bad... I never make her happy.
Ok - Sometimes I take poetic license to extremes. But it is small.
All my younger children are home again.
That is good - because I love them and I like them near. That is also bad because three bedrooms , two proper adults (well we like to think we are), two largish dogs, one teenage boy and two teenage girls in a three bedroom house poses problems. A normal family would probably say - well the two girls share one room and the son in the other. That doesn't work here.
The girls would kill each other.
Jane got fired from MacDonald's. The maintenance worker told of the girls giving away free food... thus misappropriating... and I guess stealing from their employer. Of course it is stealing. My apologies there.
Jane tells me she wants to go back to school. Firstly we sent her to boarding school because she was difficult to make go to school... then I did the six months drag her out of bed and make her go to school thing... and then she quits and works full time... and its not that I don't think she is smart. It is not that I don't think she is smarter than most people.
It is just that she has blown chance after chance after chance.... and this time... sure come home.. sure Mum will fix it... but this time you need a vocation choice... even if it isn't her immediate choice...
And Jane don't listen to the others who tell you.... oh its ok Jane I stole - I cut myself and I didn't fight depression and fucked up.
And Jane don't listen to your stepfather who is just fed up with my antics and my children's antics and he just wants a decent boat.
And Jane don't listen to your older sister who acts like a little cuckoo bird.. you know she stinks at sharing.
Just once Jane.. listen to your mother. Just stick at something, I don't care what it is really - there are avenues to anything if you really want it... and just don't .. just don't steal.
My horror hasn't left from the first time. (Stealing I mean) First my absolute denial... when someone close warned me she was I said... No Way - not one of my kids. Then the betrayal... I stole because my parents wouldn't give me what I needed... when she was stealing stuff for babies and dolls....???? The... absolute horror of the whole thing... the female detective losing her temper with her when she refused to answer or rolled her eyes... her own solicitor getting cranky at her for her spoilt behaviour....
And this time... knowing I cant say much... but knowing just from her attitude that she doesn't seem to understand that giving her friends free food from the company... is stealing. I cant say... FOR FUCKS SAKE DO NT STEAL.... I cant make it worse.
But I gotta pretend every things just fine as I figure out how to get her some other kind of training/job... then Anna's and William's (albeit smaller but still real) problems and not lose my temper at my own job.....while my partner faces instability in his job.
She slept all day today and when she did wake... she asked me for a driving lesson just before she knew I had friends due to arrive. There was no fuel in the manual car... and it takes me ages to prepare for guests. If she had of asked me in the morning there would of been no problem.
I just feel so bad... I never make her happy.
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